Can you believe it's June already? I always find time such a strange concept. It feels like March and October at the same time. So much has happened and yet not enough to make it feel like months, does that make sense?
Voting is Important
Anyway, for those of you not in the Twitterverse, I must extend my apologies for not blogging last week but I had a bit of a shitstorm regarding my laptop and couldn't do it.
Basically, I'd had my laptop for two months but due to moving and internet problems etc I'd only been using it for a couple of weeks before it started doing a scary thing where the whole screen kind of broke off into small rectangles of static/incorrect pixels. Looking at the screen as a whole you could see what it was meant to be, it was like one of those square puzzles where all the sections have been rearranged but about 300 of them.
I finally acheived my 14 y/o self's dream aesthetic
I wouldn't have minded so much if, upon encountering this problem, PC World repeatedly tried to shift the blame onto me for being a silly little 'woman' who just couldn't possibly understand how the magic clever box works. Of the three times I've been to PC World this year, I have been ignored, patronised, bled on (really!!) and generally treated as though I am an inconvenience. I asked if I could exchange it for a more expensive laptop (and give them more money!!) and was told no. I asked for a straight up refund and, again, was told no. In the end I had to settle for them repairing it. I was told 'it might take a week, it might take 28 days' and sent on my way. No apology, no substitute machine, nothing. When I did get it back the repair sheet said that they'd had to 'tighten some screws' but they still tried to imply it was my fault for fiddling about with settings. Because obviously software has a direct effect on the actual machinery! Absolute blame-shifting bollocks. Now that I have my laptop back (and have purchased a much better one elsewhere) I will never shop there again. I ended up finding a laptop with twice as much memory capacity and a muuuuuch better processor for less money so I won that one, ya fuckers.
[CN: Mental health]
I had a meeting with my CC last week, and the new CC who will be taking over from her now I'm in a new area. It was a bit of a bad note to leave things on and I'm trying hard not to let that mar the whole experience for me.
As you probably know, I've been working with my CC for a while now trying to organise my meds and therapy to help me work on my PTSD and depression. On the whole, this has been the best experience of many that I've had in this field. I finally got medication that works pretty well for me, I got a CC for the first time which really helped me feel like I hadn't just been forgotten about and even helped me with getting doctor's appointments and the like, and I saw a psychologist who actually listened to what I had to say instead of just deciding he knows best. So yeah, she's basically been like a superhero as far as I'm concerned.
I did me an exercise!
But then she showed up on Friday with my new CC and I find out that I'm not getting any therapy after all, my sleep clinic referral still isn't sorted (the referral my psychologist said he would recommend back in January!) and I can't get any help arranging transport to my DSA meeting for uni prep. So that was a bit of a slap in the face. I understand what she was saying about it being too late in the year to begin a long course of therapy with me moving in September, it's just so frustrating that because it's taken so long for everyone to arrive at a conclusion about what to do with me, it's now too late for anything.
So now I'm sat with a stranger in my house who clearly doesn't know anything about my history (she kept asking questions that original CC knew the answer to) and being asked 'is that okay?' about something I can't change and, obviously, am not okay with! I just felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do, decisions about my life have been made for me and I just had to sit there and be told. It's not a nice feeling.
I was really hoping to have something by the time I went to uni - a proper diagnosis and treatment for my sleep, some therapy groundwork to help me get started, but instead I'm left with yet another assessment that went absolutely nowhere. Honestly, I must be the most assessed mind in the country by now. Time and time again, I get some kind of psychological assessment to be thrown by the wayside and forgotten about only to repeat the process a year later. And people wonder why I don't sound hopeful when they offer a plan to me. I'll believe it when I see it, I've been left out to dry too many times.
It perhaps didn't help that this last fortnight I've been really struggling. My physical health has been compromised recently - I've magically injured my wrist by doing absolutely nothing, and I've had some kind of flu/cold thing that's made it very difficult to breathe and swallow. On top of that I've been sleeping more often than not and my mood has taken a very determined nosedive.
I tried to explain this to them but I feel like they were mentally already walking out the door so it didn't really do much. Obviously it's not their fault, their job isn't to wave a wand and fix my life for me, but as the face of my care unfortunately the brunt of my frustrations ends up pointed at them. I'm frightened that, for one reason or another, my meds are no longer as effective as they used to be. It took me almost 10 years to settle on these ones, I don't want to have to go through that again! And if I'm like this now, what am I going to be like in another week, knowing now that I'm not receiving the help I thought I was waiting for? What about the week after that? I can't begin to explain how scared I am of spiralling out, the feeling of being left out in the cold is not a pleasant one, especially on top of the depression I'm already feeling.
[/CN]
It was such a lovely, intimate gig. I'm really glad I made the effort to go. It was a wonderful experience that will be with me for a long time.
At the weekend, myself and my lovely friend Paige went to Gateshead to see my my pal Kara's awesome band Syd.31. I wrote a review of their debut album a few posts back and finally got to see them live. Everything I saw only further backed up my initial thoughts from listening to their album. The album is original, unique and a lot of fun. It's a taste of what's to come and a taste of what you could experience seeing them in person.
Every drum beat is amplified, every scream more raw, every guitar riff distorted and pressing in on your ears until it fills your head with their message - we are the freaks and we're not alone. They played like there were thousands of fans screaming their name, and I think I speak for the entire, modestly sized crowd, when I say that Dr Magic connected with each and every one of us, pulling us further into the gig, almost compelling us to jump and scream with him.
One of the most tragic misconceptions about punk is that it's hard and scary and not fun. Syd.31 give a huge middle finger to that notion, they may be thrashing and screeching but they're doing so for us. They're bringing us into their world, giving us a home, a community, a sense of belonging as we build up a sweat dancing and moshing to the words that entwine around us poking fun at pride and vanity and fitting into your label. Why shouldn't you like Busted? Why shouldn't you sing along to Aqua in your pants? Why shouldn't you send a message to Maggie Thatcher's clone by headbanging to a Mancunian industrial punk band in the backroom of a pub? If that gig taught me anything, it's to find what you love, grab it with both fucking hands and when someone tells you you don't fit ask them what are you so afraid of?
Photography by Will Binks
A fabulous week for music, by all accounts.
I finally finished work on my Spare Oom (barring a few of mum's possessions that haven't found a home yet) and I'm in love. All my DVDs proudly on display, all my consoles set up and ready for action and all of the people I look up to adorning the walls and watching me work. I wish I could take this room with me to uni, it's my perfect little safe haven. Mum has now renamed it the Middle Aged Lady Room so I'm not sure why she doesn't feel more at home in it to be honest!
Fairy lights make everything better
Aside from the days when I didn't have my laptop, recording is going really well and there's lots of goodies for you to watch on my channel! I'm excited to get back into it now with my new machine. I bought myself a cheap mic so hopefully that will deal with some of the sound issues I've been having as well. I got a message from a total stranger saying I was one of his favourite youtubers which was so lovely to hear. The people who regularly watch my vids have been really supportive too and I can't thank them enough for sticking with me as I learn about my newest endeavour!
A final positive to end on; I've been making some really good friends on twitter of late. I've been following cool queer feminist types for a long time but never counted myself among them. I mean, queer and feminist, sure, but I never really thought I had anything of value to add to the conversation. They were just people I aspired to be more like. Now I'm chatting to them and making friends and feeling more... worthy, I guess. It's nice. Plus new friends is always good! The positive of laptop trouble is that I've also been talking to Lily and Mel way more and reaffirming our really strong connections. It's good. I'm very blessed with my online friends, I just wish I got to see them more in real life too!
Xx
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