Alan Cumming Sings Sappy Songs

Hello all!

I was asked to write a short review of the last theatre production I saw so I decided to post it here. Enjoy!

In October of 2016, I saw Alan Cumming Sings Sappy Songs at the London Palladium. Cumming is an actor that most will recognise, though many less will be able to name him. His work ranges from children's comedy to slick drama to controversial musical, so it should come as no surprise that his self-penned (along with pianist Lance Horne) cabaret is equally as varied. He bounces easily from light and entertaining to soulful and moving in the blink of an eye. With his arms raised high, Cumming pulls us into his world with a cheeky smile and a rhythmic pop of his hip.

The set up is simple; the stage is bare save for a piano, drumkit, microphone and single chair for the cellist. Everything we experience is fabricated by the group on stage, without the aid of glitzy backdrops and snazzy soundtrack. Though Cumming describes himself as 'an actor who sings', there can be no denying the hours of work that has gone into honing his voice. He has a strong tenor voice, and each song has obviously been rehearsed countless times. Refreshingly, he sings in his native accent and perfectly enunciates every word, ensuring you don't miss a single syllable. Even Complainte de la Butte, which he performed in the original French, is so well executed you felt that you understood every word, regardless of whether you spoke the language.

There was a real sincerity to his stories and Cumming possesses that rare gift of being able to perform to an innumerable audience and make each individual person feel a unique connection to both him and his tales. It feels as though you are simply having a gossip (and, my, is there gossip!) over a glass of wine, not sitting in a crowd of hundreds. Whether he is weeping for his strained relationship with his father or reliving an hilarious jazzy number about condoms, you follow unquestioningly into his world and are all the better off for it.

Regardless of his ever-growing prowess as a singer, the real power behind each tune is the acting. Cumming received some very salient advice from long-time friend Lizard Minelli - revealed through a very amusing anecdote halfway through the show - that the way to perform when you are first and foremost an actor, is to act the story within the song, giving it a beginning, middle and end. Cumming clearly took this to heart as the songs become condensed plays between his truthful and intimate tales.

Both inspired and inspiring, Sappy Songs is as moving as it is funny; a perfect blend of comedy and tragedy, reaffirming that same duality that we see in life. A wonderfully entertaining evening with a very charismatic actor that gives you lots to think about without weighing too heavy on the mind. An honest, touching and delightfully dirty piece of theatre.

Xx

25.01.17

Hello all,

This is getting written a bit later than usual, I suddenly had the urge to dye my hair. I'm giving it a few days rest then it'll be getting done again, hopefully to the colour I want it! Right now it's an interesting copper-blonde-rose-black (I call it Coppondé) combination which I'm quite enjoying. I remember people at school being super embarrassed when they bleached their hair and it went orangey but I think it's brill!

Mum attempting to photobomb

I'm not sure why the back is so resolutely dark - I'm always careful to dye everywhere, especially since it's so short but there you go. Looks pretty cool, imo! Mum was complaining it was too dark with the blue-black so I thought what the hey. She's decided she likes it like this now, so she doesn't want me to colour it anymore. Bloody awkward!

You can't really see but my roots are WHITE

As usual, I've been watching a lot of Netflix but I've tried to balance it out this week with a bit of reading. I got a nice mix from the library last week from Serious Reads to comics and a few things in between. I've always loved reading but I've allowed myself to become incredibly lazy and just stick the telly on because it's easier. Or rather, not easier but noisier, which helps keep my brain nice and distracted from other things.

Still, I feel like I've reached somewhat of a plateau in terms of learning and bettering myself so I've decided to give myself a kick on the behind and start reading again. I've always wanted to know more, to experience more and above all to be able to explain more. At school I was always excited about the idea of One Day. One day I will know thousands upon thousands of words. One day I will be able to talk in great detail about intellectual topics and keep up with incredibly clever people. One day, one day, one day. This was all fine and well when I was at school as I was in full time education, but since then I've sort of just been sat around hoping to magically absorb things out of sheer keenness. The osmosis of enthusiasm, I suppose! If you have a goodreads account, feel free to add me as a friend!

I watched Netflix original Beyond which is sort of what would have happened if Diablo Cody (Juno, Jennifer's Body) wrote some kind of X-Men, Chronicle crossbreed with a Fargo-esque baddie. There were some interesting ideas but it felt a little like we were just hearing the same question over and over instead of actually getting to an answer. We do eventually but because it's taken so long it's all a bit rushed. Perhaps it will be expanded upon in the next season. It was interesting enough and the Man in the Yellow Jacket was a really nice piece of writing but I wasn't totally blown away by it. The Realm was very, very pretty but I got a bit tired of everyone having a smart answer all the time, it's just not realistic to me.

I also watched Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency which stars Elijah Wood and Samuel Barnett, both of whom I love so I was very excited to start watching. As far as I can tell, minus the aliens it's basically America's answer to Doctor Who - eccentric English guy walks around talking a mile a minute and more or less kidnapping an assistant to solve shit. Unfortunately, it rather lacks the charm of Doctor Who because Dirk (Barnett) may talk as much as him, and with the same level of enthusiasm, but he doesn't actually know anything. In fact, he's really bloody annoying. This is very deliberate as we see him through Todd's (Wood) eyes and he doesn't like him very much. It's all a bit hectic and frantic which distracts from the fact that nothing much is actually happening.

Most of it makes about as much sense as this

You may wonder why I kept watching if I wasn't really enjoying it and my answer is that though the main plot was a bit sub par, the supporting cast and subplots were much more intriguing. Dirk and Todd are joined by Farah; a badass security guard who will kick your ass and then hide in the corner out of sheer embarrassment when she says something dorky. What a great combination! As well as this, Todd's sister Amanda makes friends with the Rowdy 3 (think the nihilists in The Big Lebowski) who like to smash shit and have a good time. They're the good kind of skinhead... though not actually skinheads.

By far my favourite though, is holistic assassin Bart (Fiona Dourif - Brad Dourif's daughter!). Rough and ready, Bart meanders through life killing everyone she bumps into... because the universe tells her to. If there's one thing this show does well, it's mixing two characteristics together in a way you'd never expect, like the tough but anxious Farah. Bart is a sort of... talking wild animal. She's not house trained. She clumsily but effortlessly dispatches of people without breaking a sweat but ask her to turn on the radio and she's as helpless as a baby. She's delighted by the most everyday of objects, having never encountered them before, and you can't help finding her utterly adorable. She's a filthy, gruff voiced, cold blooded teddy bear.

I'm glad a did stick with it though, as though it may not be my favourite series in the world, finally understanding all the ins and outs of a rather complex plot was very satisfying. If you're a Who fan you may indeed enjoy this and it looks as though season two will be continuing where the first left off, which is in a much better place than it started!

I watched Spirited Away with Mel because she's never seen it before. I warned her it was weird but she apparently didn't believe me! She's finally booked tickets to come see me for Valentine's Day (yuck! Soppiness!) so I'm massively excited for that and I have Made Plans. I've also accidentally stolen some of her socks... oh well!

Last but not least, I watched the 1992 version of The Borrowers with Lily which I'd not seen before. You'd never guess there was only five years between that and the John Goodman version, seems more like fifteen, which is about 300 in movie years. This one was a lot more true to the book, which you can really tell by the attitudes of the characters! It's a bit twee and British in that way that we're still portrayed in American films - all tweed and Brief Encounter accents. I think I must have see every version of it now though, so that's kind of cool.

On Saturday, mum and I went out on the toon... shopping. I used it as an excuse to practice drawing my eyebrows - as I'm still not very good at it! - and catch some Pokémon. I managed to catch a few things and hatch an egg! Very exciting until I saw what was inside... Bloody Weedles. To make myself feel better, when I got home I gave myself a quiff and put on an excessive amount of lipstick. My labret is still healing but it's definitely getting better! Still finding it a bit difficult to eat apples but unhealthy things are easy, it's a sign!

On Sunday, it was cousin-sitting duty again and mum and I set off bright and- well, dark and early! Cousin was as excited as always to see us, he's one of the happiest creatures I've ever seen, it's rather delightful. I'm finally starting to feel like I know what to do with him - before I was always a bit 'I don't want to baby children but I can't talk to them like adults therefore I am stuck' with anyone under the age of 10 but I think I'm getting the hang of it now.

He got a little kitchen set for his birthday (with a microwave and a sink and everything, very swish!) and I taught him how to flip pancakes with a mini football in a frying pan. He was absolutely cackling with joy and it seems to be his new favourite trick. I also must thank Holly (who is a very talented artist and musician, please do check out her work) for teaching me how to make an owl sound with my hands as he now thinks I'm a wizard.

We went shopping as it is his mum's birthday today and I found a really cute pair of goldfish earrings that match my uncle's tattoo pretty well! We also went to the park where I got him to knock on a fairy door in case someone was in. The look of wonder on his face was priceless - who could be inside this tiny little house?? At one point he fell over and just lay there flat on his back with his arms and legs in the air like a pantomime horse, it was hilarious!

I was a bit embarrassed at first because we've had to succumb to the child leash - my cousin has an alarming habit of running into the road at any given moment (he still tried when we leashed him!) - but he absolutely loved it! He made a game of running ahead and pulling it taught then stopping still as a statue until we caught up, then shooting off again... into the road. It's hard to just hold his hand when we walk around because he's so excitable he just wants to run everywhere at once and no matter how many times we tell him, he just doesn't have any sense of danger when it comes to cars.

When we got back he crawled into my lap and we watched Room on the Broom and Stickman which was an emotional roller coaster, let me tell you! He's not usually a child who will it still for more than 30 seconds so I was pleasantly surprised when he sat quite happily with me for almost an hour!

It's really amazing how much he develops every time I see him - he's using proper sentences now, though he still can't quite say my name, bless him. He's a bit vain - like his cousin! - so we sat down and he sent video messages to my friends on my phone before watching them back 400 times.

Once home, I slipped into something more comfortable and cuddled up with the cat on the sofa with a book. Heaven.

Speaking of my name, I have to say a huge thank you to everyone who's made the effort to make the change and also everyone who says it suits me! Hawke is a super cool name and I am a super dork so I have no idea why you think that but it's appreciated all the same! I actually had a dream last night where everyone called me Hawke with no prompting/correcting which was nice. It's been my 'secret name' for so long it's kind of taking some getting used to now I'm actually using it.

I've been doing a fair bit of gaming this week as well. Mum's suddenly taken an interest in LA Noire but she hates actually playing games so she sat and watched me do it instead. It served me pretty well though as I've been a moody little bugger this week. I wonder if it's a sign that my depression is getting better that so often now I'm bloody furious. I always thought of myself as pretty chill, other people have said it to me often enough too but the past couple of weeks the slightest thing will set me off and I'll be angry for hours. I don't think I've secretly been ready to blow at any second beneath my depression all this time so I'm not really sure what the cause is, but I also feel like I've been understandably angry (as in for good reason) so perhaps it's more that instead of punishing myself I'm not allowing myself to feel rage over things that... well, ought to be raged over.

I think a lot of it stems from growing up and always being labelled the 'bad influence' child. I don't think I was a bad influence, I was always polite and spoke to everyone's parents (no one ever spoke to my mum!) and the 'worst' thing I ever did was steal a brussel sprout from ASDA when I was four. Despite that, I always did my best to be as sweet as can be and convince people they were wrong and that they should like me after all. I guess I've just reached the point now where it's suddenly hit me that even though I've done nothing wrong, I'm the one doing the leg work to make it right. It's hard work and a thankless job, let me tell you. Now that I've realised that I'm really hoping I can just stop doing it because people who have decided to dislike me before ever meeting me don't deserve all that effort and they can suck my dick tbh.

And on that note, I suppose I should mention the thing I've been trying to avoid thinking about. It's finally happened. Obama has stepped down and... and... yeah. I am genuinely terrified for so many people, including myself and I'm not even in the same country as the fucknugget. I am so proud of everyone who has participated in protests this week and I hope we will all continue to do so. I'm currently coping by making as many jokes as possible so if you're feeling as helpless and overwhelmed as I am by the situation, perhaps this will help...

America will be great again, but when will senpai notice me?

I leave you with this beautiful image. Until next time!

Xx

18.01.17

Hello all

It's been a bit of a weird week, really. I've been really spaced out and dissociative for most of it so I don't know how much I'll actually have to write about, to be honest! As usual, I watched a few things and popped out once or twice with mum, though a lot more briefly than usual due to being so weak. I did, however, manage to send Mel An Art in the post because I am adorable. And clearly not an artist of any description!

The problem with when I get spacey.... out of it... whatever you want to call it, is that I get very physically weak. As you can imagine, this isn't a great state to be in when you're planning a six mile hike! So there were no great outings this week, but I did go to the library and came back with a ridiculous pile of books like the nerdy kid in a 90's teen comedy. Or Giles.

To get to the library you have to walk past the local bored teens who, in their great wisdom, have decided the best place to hang out is in the doorway to the bank next to the library. I mean, to be fair, I can't really think of anywhere else they could go. ~In my day~ we just wandered around in a huge loop all night. Except that time we went into the Co-Op and I innocently bought a box of cereal while everyone else shoved bottles of vodka down their skinny jeans! I only found out when one of them asked me if I wanted to feel his 'big glass cock' and I obviously didn't understand the joke. When we were leaving, they had started playing music on their phones and I gave them a collective heart attack by yelling 'Shakira, Shakira' when Hips Don't Lie came on. Good times. We celebrated our successful outing with some noms.

Anyway, I got a couple of the Odd Thomas books - the last two because libraries never seem to have the first in series. Like ever. I also got a few history books, including one on Richard III because I've always wanted to learn more about him but never got round to it, a poetry collection and a book called Girl Up by Laura Bates (founder of Everyday Sexism) which I'm nearly finished already. I've been asking around for recommendations for things to read so if you have any ideas please send them my way, I'm looking particularly for feminist things that will educate me!

Girl Up is an interesting read, a lot of it isn't a new concept to me which I'm pleased about, but it does provide some interesting insights and real life examples over a range of subjects. It covers a lot of areas such as sexism in various forms, health and diet, work, genitals... It's very easy to read, the prose is conversational and easy going. It's not patronising or full of ridiculously long words, you almost feel like you're just sat with a particularly knowledgeable mate and a glass of wine. Though it is aimed mostly at women (obviously), Bates makes sure to include every gender and sexuality within the text. She also specifically reminds the reader that vagina=/= woman. It's informative and inclusive, plus there's a paint by numbers vulva. I mean, what's not to love?

[TW: Mental health, depression, suicide]

My sleep pattern has been slowing skewing back to nocturnal again so I've been trying very hard this week to put a stop to that. It's been a bit of a mixed bag; I've been managing to mostly go to sleep by 2am, but I haven't quite mastered the getting up again part. It doesn't help that I managed to have two breakdowns this week. Just as I was starting to feel like I may be getting somewhere depression-wise - I still get sad but it feels more like... normal sad instead of End of the World Sad, if that makes sense. But the nasty little demons in my head saw me think this and went 'well, we're not having that!'

I wrote very briefly for a journalism website, in the media section, but due to MH, a suicide attempt and some email trolling I had to put a sudden stop to that. I was just thinking that perhaps it would be nice to write to them and ask if I could have another pop at it when everything came crashing in and I completely lost control. There were a lot of tears and ultra violence (via the Xbox) and I eventually managed to calm down enough to rest at about 8am, just as mum was leaving for work. It probably won't come as much of a surprise to learn that I was in bed until the afternoon!

I felt better for most of the week, I think I'm slowly learning to accept my set backs and move on, instead of dwelling on them for weeks at a time and making it worse. It still takes several hours, or even a couple of days, to work through it but once it's done, it's done. Until Sunday.

On Sunday, I was meant to be visiting my nana for dinner and a catch up. I woke up bright and early and- that's as far as I got. The moment consciousness hit me I was bowled over my a tidal wave of panic, terror and general badness. I had no idea what was wrong but I couldn't even look at my mum let alone go out and socialise. I stayed in bed and eventually succumbed to exhaustion and went back to sleep. I think my brain realised that was the only way to get me through the day as I was completely inconsolable and helpless against the onslaught.

Eventually I realised that Sunday was S's birthday, which would also explain why they've been more of a presence than usual in my dreams this past week (which is saying something!). My dreams have also been taking me back to school a lot and there's a lot of 'x happened so now all of your peers hate you'. This is more or less what did happen, though thankfully since I'd already left school at the time I didn't have to face it in person like I do in my dreams. Funny how your subconscious remembers those things, huh?

It's a small victory, but on Monday I did have a dream where my violent game tendencies and S collided in glorious technicolour. It's the closest to closure I'm ever going to get, so I'll take it. Well, that and my epic figure skating skills. Dream-Hawke is pretty badass.

[/TW]

I had a bit of a horror marathon on Friday night and watched Lights Out, The Shallows, The Final Girls and Don't Breathe. It was a bit of an eclectic night, to say the least!

[Minor Spoilers] Anyone who knows me, will know that shark movies are my jam so I was super excited for The Shallows even though most reviews I'd read had been decidedly meh. Unfortunately, those reviews were dead on. It starts off pretty well, or rather, well pretty with lots of sea views and cool angles and dynamic surfer shots being thrown together. It almost feels like the director stuck the plot on as an afterthought because he just really loves water. Even the credits run like a nature Instagram. Very attractive but somewhat pointless.

There's some interesting ideas and it runs smoothly, considering most of the film is held up by just the one actor, but the last twenty minutes or so really let it down. The CGI is a bit much, I've always been of the opinion that effects should enhance the shot, not be the entire focus. Yes, CG is required to get the shark to do particular things, but said things stretch the imagination to the point that it snaps and you're no longer immersed; you're just staring at the screen going 'that would never happen.' Then there's a massive dollop of sentimentality splodged on top, without which, we could easily have shaved off the last ten minutes of the movie which I had zero interest in anyway.

[Major Spoilers] Believe me when I say I chose this particular poster for a reason. 'The best American horror film in twenty years.' Granted, I haven't put together a comprehensive list of every American horror of the last two decades but if it is Don't Breathe then standards have seriously dropped.

Yes, there are some very tense and atmospheric moments but if you sit back and actually think about the plot it gets so ridiculous it borders on farce. Basically, three kids break into Marine Dude's house. Marine Dude goes apeshit and trigger happy. He's also kidnapped a woman to have his baby Because Reasons. If you have already seen this movie, I would like to take this time to remind you that blindness does not equal super human hearing. Daredevil is a comic book not a documentary.

As I said earlier, some of it is very tense which, for those of you with abuse triggers, is a very bad thing. There is one scene which was so uncomfortable to watch I honestly thought I might be sick. It may be well acted and shot but it is nothing short of ridiculous and scary for the wrong reasons.

[Major Spoilers] The trailer for Lights Out really whet my appetite, so many people are afraid of the dark. Even if you aren't, every now and then you'll probably have one of those moments where you're just not quite sure what that shadow in the corner is... it's a simple premise playing on a primal fear. Just what is that lurking in the darkness?

True to it's word, Lights Out jumps straight in with the creepy. There's something out there, and it's coming to get you. Stay in the light... if you can! I was really enjoying the film up until the Origin Story came into play.

I cannot stress enough how tired I am of the 'So and So was in a mental institute and is therefore a psycho killer' story. It's no wonder people are so afraid of sharing their mental health issues when movies like this are constantly telling us that we're murderers just waiting to strike. I always feel like I'm confessing something awful when I tell people about my depression, half expecting them to leap up and overturn the table, grabbing the nearest crucifix while they're at it.

Then they bring in this 'aha we've found her weakness' thing with a blacklight and finally actually being able to hurt her. Awesome! How shall we implement this new knowledge to defeat the evil lurking in the shadows? Oh, we'll just forget about it and not use it every again? Oh, okay...

And the award for Most Pointless Plot Development goes to..!

It's watchable enough, and I definitely preferred it to Don't Breathe but once again I wish this movie came with a trigger warning, this time for suicide. Be careful before you stick it on, my friends.

[Minor Spoilers] And now onto my out and out favourite of the collection, The Final Girls. I'm not sure if I'd strictly class this as a horror film. It's a comedy which plays off horror stereotypes in the same way as Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil but with even less blood and guts. It's more of a comedy-action than a comedy-horror. Still, what it lacks in scares it makes up for in genuinely touching moments which I was thoroughly unprepared for! The movie gets a pretty average rating on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb which I think is mostly owing to the fact that people were expecting something scarier.

The Final Girls is an obvious parody of the Jason movies featuring a very talented cast, half a group of 2015 teens led by (the fantastic Taissa Farmiga), half a groovy 80's lot including Nancy who just happens to (kind of) be Max's mother. The script is delightfully tongue in cheek and manages to have a different look at the parody/comedy-horror genre. It's not always laugh out loud funny, but it's clever and amusing and very easy to watch. The 80's lot are spectacular chariacatures (the jock, the slut etc), I honestly don't know where they got the energy!

I really enjoyed watching this and you can tell the cast had an absolute blast, especially when you get to the credits and are treated to some delightfully joyous bloopers. This is the kind of film you want to watch with a group of mates and a few beers. I did get a bit emotional at certain parts, but that was probably owing to the up all night factor.

[/spoilers]

Another great thing this week was the release (finally!) of A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix. I am not going to spoil this at all since it's hot off the press, but it's a real homage to the book series with a fabulous script and lots of familiar faces popping up all over the place. There are a few little tweaks which actually totally enhance the story (best explained here, obviously don't look if you haven't watched yet!). It's whimsical and bizarre in all the best ways, suspend your belief and just fall into it. Trust me, it's better if you do!

I was going to write a little more but my hands are inexplicably shaking allover the place (also why it's taken so long to post just this much) so I'll leave it there and see you next week.

Xx

11.01.17

Hello all!

This is probably going to be a bit of a late post. I would have started sooner but I was distracted by a silly crossword game I just downloaded... I'm very easily pleased.

It's been a bit of a strange week. It feels like another year has passed since my last post and I haven't done a thing! I've been playing a few games, watching a few things and catching a few Pokémon but that's about it. In my defence, I fell ill on Saturday and I'm still a little out of it.

[CN: depersonalisation/dissociation]

Thankfully, it's been quite a while since I was ill like this, I absolutely loathe it. It's a strange mix of flu symptoms and completely dissociating. It puts me in a very dream-like state, which isn't as nice as it sounds. One of the questions that I always hear when I get a new doctor/psychiatrist etc is 'do you have trouble knowing what is real?' and I always answer no. When I'm in this state, my answer is still no but not in the same way. My problem isn't that everything, including hallucinations etc, seem real, it's that everything seems rather unreal. I have conversations with people and when I finally come out of it, I have to check that they actually happened because I can never be sure at the time. It's quite scary when even the most mundane things feel like they could be some kind of trick or dream and I'm going to realise I'm in my bed at any second. There's always a sense of 'well, I can just wake myself up if I do something wrong' but then... what if I can't? What if what I'm seeing right now is waking life?

The best way I can think to describe it is sitting in a room with ten tv screens all showing different films. One of those films is actually a live recording of what you'd see if you left the room... but which is it? It gets very busy in my head and no 'story' seems more solid or tangible than any of the others. That's the part that scares me, it feels like I'm losing my grip on reality. Rationally, I know that there is nothing to worry about as a common 'side effect', if you will, of depersonalisation disorder is feeling that you are going mad. I don't think there is a single recorded example of someone with the disorder actually having a psychotic break, it's just the way it makes us feel.

[/CN]

I think the above is a large part of why I reacted the way I did when watching the Syfy  series of Van Helsing (available on Netflix) which aired late last year. I hadn't seen it advertised anywhere it just popped up while I was browsing for something to watch and I do love me some vampires. This series, if you don't already know, is based on the graphic novels Helsing about distant descendant of Abraham; Vanessa Seward. I won't post major plot spoilers but I will be discussing character development and some lore so there will be minor spoilers.

She never actually wears this outfit

[spoilers]

The show begins well into the apocalypse, known as The Rising, when vampires took over as the dominant species on the planet. Think Buffy episode The Wish with more pollution and dust. There are a lot of parallels to the Buffyverse - super powered chick who fights vampires but is kind of from vampires too, vampire hierarchy where younger vamps work for the older, gothic/leatherclad fashion sense and two distinct 'breeds' of vampire similar to vampires and ubervamps. It took me a few episodes to get into the show as I found most of the script/acting pretty bland. It does improve as it goes and there's less backstory to fill in but I don't see that as much of an excuse - I was with you when you said it was the apocalypse. That's all I needed.

Not to mention, I am so tired of the whole 'to show they're vampires we'll make them all gothy and into BDSM' thing. I don't mind it so much in Buffy because there's a balance of that with vampires driving round in cars and drinking coffee etc. You can't tell me that out of the millions of vampires that were turned in 2013, not a single one said 'this sewer is great, lads, but I sure do miss watching cat videos on youtube and I haven't sent an annoying dickpic in weeks.' It makes absolutely no sense for them to completely refuse every kind of modern advancement when every reason for them to hide in the shadows (sunlight & being massively outnumbered) has been removed.

Anyway, the thing that kept me going through all of that is the relationship between Sam and Mohamed. Sam is a deaf older gentleman who becomes friend and father figure to the younger Mohamed. They have the sweetest friendship, they always look out for one another and I'm really glad to see more and more deaf characters showing up in tv. Sam is played by Christopher Heyerdahl who left a very strong impression on me when he played the deliciously devious Alistair in Supernatural. He's not deaf in real life, but given the way the plot looks like it's going, I think a hearing actor may actually be needed for the role. He has wonderfully expressive eyes and I was so pleased to see more of him. He and Mohamed (Trezzo Mahoro) bounce off each other so well and there were genuinely tearful moments between them. Their relationship and it's portrayal is definitely the best thing about the show.

As I mentioned before, my mental health led to a particular reaction to a certain storyline within the show. At one point, we are introduced to a character who is a psychopath. The character is shown to be both caring and thoughtful and a cold-blooded killer. I appreciate the fact that the character is fully realised, because too few people realise psychopath =/= murderer, but of course they do still kill people. Paradoxically, I find myself empathising quite strongly with the psychopath. I feel like my brain is split into two halves in a more definite way than most peoples. I know that left-brain function is logic and reasoning, right-brain is creativity and, for the sake of my analogy, emotions. Some days I am designed by a steampunk engineer and others I am taken over by one of Brendan Fraser's characters in that dreadful Bedazzled remake who just can't get over that darn sunset.

Killing people is a completely plausible step to the murderer and, though I have never gone to such extremes (or have I???), I have had experiences where people haven't understood what seems like a perfectly logical thing to do to me.

[/spoilers]

On the whole, there are some interesting and unique characteristics to the Helsing vampires and a complex web of subplots holding the main story together. I am intrigued to see where season 2 will be taken. However, I do find the acting hit and miss, especially from series lead Kelly Overton, who seems to do very well on her own but switch off in group scenes when it's not her line. Part of me thinks they cast her because she genuinely looks like she just stepped out of a graphic novel herself.

I was running out of space on my Xbox so I decided to play through a couple of games and delete the ones I didn't like to free up some space. By sheer coincidence, the games I chose were The Cave and The Secret of Monkey Island which are both tongue-in-cheek side scroller puzzle games. Both have a real sense of fun and great replay value (especially The Cave as you choose three characters to play out of seven), and there's a real sense of achievement when you figure out what the hell you're supposed to do.

On the whole, I found The Cave a much easier play through. I don't think the puzzles were easier exactly, they just made more sense to me. A few times in Monkey Island I had to refer to a walkthrough and I'm glad I did because I would never have figured out what I was supposed to do. It's the difference between A + B = C and Z + Q = Narwhal. Still, it made a nice change from my usual 'fighty shooty games', as mum calls them,

The Cave features a sarcastic Morgan Freeman type voiceover as you play three characters plundering a mythical cave for their heart's desire. Each character has their own little section of cave to work through to claim their prize and each character is a little shit. I think you can play with friends if you wish but the game allows you to switch between characters in my favourite kind of co-op play - the kind you do alone.

Monkey Island is a remastered 1990 point and click game about a young man named Guybrush Threepwood who wants to be a pirate. It really requires you to remember every little detail as you figure out what needs doing and who needs talking to and in what order. The fights are based on insults more than swordplay, the cannibals are watching their figures and there's a liberal sprinkling of self awareness and fun. For me, this is the longer game purely because it took me much longer to figure out, however, I find The Cave would have a higher replay value because there's more to do the second time around.

I did finish watching Scorpion a few weeks ago but I kept forgetting to mention it. I have to admit I was getting a bit bored of the 'will they, won't they' of not one but two different couples. The episodes also get very formulaic, much like the later episodes of House.

Cabe: Guys, the government want you to do The Thing but they won't help you at all.

Happy: *frowns*

Walter: Sylvester, hack The Thing.

Sylvester: Ok, I've tried to hack The Thing but I am experiencing Technical Difficulties.

Walter: That is because you are AN IDIOT and not super super clever like me

Happy: *frowns*

Sylvester: I will rehack The Thing... I have hacked The Thing

Toby: That man itched his left eyebrow WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE

Happy: *frowns*

Walter: Oh no, we did The Thing and now The Bad Thing is going to happen and now I am going to die two minutes before the end of the show!

Happy: Not good. *frowns* I have built Mechanical Thing.

Walter: I will use Mechanical Thing backwards and save the world from the Bad Thing at the last possible second!

Paige: (psst I luv u)

Happy: *frowns*

Toby: (psst I luv u)

-THE END-

Seriously, I don't know if they genuinely believe that they're ratcheting up the tension with all these near-death things? We all know he's gonna have a brainwave when the bomb has 0:00002 seconds left.

I do still quite like watching it though, because I find that I relate to them quite a lot with the whole 'I use logic not feels' thing. It's somewhat ironic but feeling akin to these characters actually makes me feel even lonelier. I feel disconnected because I feel connected to them. It's quite bittersweet. Not that I for a second believe I'm anywhere near as intelligent as they are!

There was also a very awkward episode where The Brits came to visit in their tweeds and bow ties, one of them was even called Cromwell! I feel like they need reminding that the star of the damn show is an English actor!

Criticisms aside, there are some touching moments, some well written moments, and some hilarious moments. I can get past the formulaic episode structure because I still enjoy the characters. Also, Penn Jillette has a fantastic little bit part for a couple of episodes which had me howling.

I watched a few other things with mum, including the fantastically hilarious and well-timed Peter Pan Goes Wrong. I would have loved to have seen it live but I had great fun watching it with mum and a hot chocolate instead. The actors are simply superb, playing actors playing characters with all these little subtleties crammed into the OTT raucous show. Not dissimilar to Noises Off and Acorn Antiques but with a classic story that everyone knows. Great fun.

I think I should stop reviewing things now before you all die of boredom! Hopefully I'll do something worth mentioning next week!

Xx

04.01.17

Hello all!

So, first of all I should probably explain why I missed last week's post... I forgot to do it. I suddenly remembered just as I was going to bed so promised myself I'd do it on Thursday. Then promptly forgot again... In my defence, I was in a new environment, without my laptop and with people whose wonderful company was the worst kind of distraction. So what we've got today could be a behemoth of a post or a very short one because my eyelids simply refuse to stay open... We shall see! I usually like to do these things in some semblance of chronological order, however with this week (or fortnight) being such a biggie I feel there are some things that need to be addressed right off the bat.

 

First of all, my name. If you follow me elsewhere you have probably already noticed that I am now going by the name Hawke. For as long as I can remember, I have felt somewhat disconnected from my birth name. I always knew to respond when people said it (and even when they didn't, people who say 'emmmm...' while thinking are the bane of my life!) but introducing myself as such felt like a lie or a trick of some kind. I told my mum I wanted to change my name when I was just a child and my whole life I've been choosing aliases to go by. Since coming out as trans, the divide between self and name only grew wider and wider to the point where I started to refer to myself as Hawke in my head just to keep myself afloat.

I finally decided to take the plunge a few weeks ago and thought New Year would be a great time to implement it. New Year, New Me etc etc though I think I might be taking it a little more literally than others! In a funny sort of way, Emily began to represent all the things I have escaped from and I began to resent her for being a reminder of it all. Hawke is shiny and new and undamaged by those things. Obviously, I don't expect it to be a magical PTSD cure but I do find a kind of strength in being me and not the dainty little girl that I was told to be for so long. I will be keeping Emily Wood as my stage name, at least for the time being, but I would really appreciate it if you could all make the effort to use my chosen name from now on.

Another thing I'd like to share with you is a... story/poem/thing that I've been working on for some time. It feels right to post it as part of my whole new beginnings thing; it's something I very much hope to leave in 2016. Again, I know some of it will probably always be with me in some way, but I feel like it's time to lift that weight off of my shoulders. There's a difference between having a past and being buried by it. I don't want to be buried anymore. I've been carrying it for so long and been so afraid of telling anyone, perhaps if you read it you will understand why. I will, however, warn you that it is not a happy tale.

[TW: homophobia, abuse, suicide, MH, PTSD, paedophilia]

When I was eleven, a girl asked me if I was a lesbian. She sounded so disgusted I denied it before I'd even processed the question. How could I be something that was obviously so horrid? I was a child. I didn't think about girls but I didn't think about boys either.

When I was twelve, I downloaded MSN on my mum's shitty desktop and my best friend introduced me to a paedophile from Holland. He groomed me for four years. I was his 'special case'; he still wanted me when I was sixteen and far too old for his usual tastes. I was flattered. I liked him. He told me he had a ten year old girlfriend who lived on his street. I tried to tell the police but I didn't know how. You'll never read this but I'm so sorry I didn't stop him. I'm sorry it wasn't like the movies, how I thought it would be.

When I was twelve, I got my first boyfriend. A friend of his talked me into sending him nude photos then threatened to post them online if I 'hurt him'. He dumped me shortly after because he hadn't broken up with his previous girlfriend yet.

When I was thirteen I went to a house party and to prove I 'wasn't tight' I let a stranger lay me down in someone's bed and put his mouth between my legs. Later, he asked me to fuck him. He was so drunk, the condom he held up as a romantic gesture dropped from his fingers. Twice.

When I was fourteen, I let a boy have photos of me touching myself. It wasn't even real, I masturbated the way women are expected to, to be sexy. He asked for the photos while he sat behind me in maths.

When I was fifteen, a rumour went round that I had a 'hairy pussy' because of the boy I met at the house party. I denied it because having pubic hair is far worse than taking a child then bragging about it.

When I was sixteen, I went to a boy's house. He gave me cider and after I vomited all over his bedroom floor he talked me into letting him fuck me for the seven minutes before my mum came to pick me up. I was so out of it, I couldn't hold my head up the whole way home. The next day I asked my mum why there was blood in my pee. I didn't understand until a few flashes came back. He asked me if I came. I said yes to make him stop.

When I was sixteen, I let him do it again because I was supposed to like it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. He entered me and didn't even hesitate when I screamed in pain. He asked me if I came. I said yes to make him stop.

When I was sixteen, a teacher pretended she caught me kissing my girlfriend. My girlfriend sobbed for hours, she was so afraid of what would happen. What you did was disgusting and cruel. You abused your position to further your homophobia. You allowed others to bully me because you secretly wanted to join in.

When I was seventeen, my best friend pretended she was too tired for Halloween so I took her home. She put her fingers inside me and asked if I wanted to have sex. I said no. She made me feel guilty then took my friends away. No one believed me. The first person I told laughed.

When I was seventeen, I dropped out of college because I couldn't cope. The blood pooled around my feet in the shower seemed too bright. It hurt my eyes.

When I was seventeen, I stayed at a boy's house. He crept into the room while I wept and used me for practice. I told him I didn't like it. He disagreed because I was 'wet'. I think he touched my friend too but I've never been brave enough to ask.

When I was seventeen, I forgave my best friend. What I didn't expect was that she didn't forgive me. Telling the truth is a crime worse than rape.

When I was seventeen, I went to a boy's house. He tried to seduce me with A Clockwork Orange. He pulled me into his lap and kissed my cheek. He treated me like a rag doll. I ran.

When I was eighteen, I got messages asking what happened between me and my best friend. I didn't know if the people behind it were teasing me or if they really didn't know. But I had learned that no one sides with the victim so I stayed silent.

When I was eighteen, someone told me they knew about one of the boys and that I'd 'wanted it really'. I refreshed the page a hundred times, waiting for more, for worse.

When I was nineteen I made a new friend. I even moved in with him. He asked if I was attracted to him, I said no. He came into my room when I was changing and refused to leave. He got on his knees and begged me to stay when I packed my things and left.

When I was twenty one, I saw my best friend again. I was at work. I ran to the back and cried until I was sick. I guess that's what made me lose out on the happy colleague award.

I rarely talk about these things, especially not online. I've been so afraid of what will happen if one of them found out. So call me a liar, call me a slut, tell me I wanted it. I don't care anymore. I know I will never get you out of me, each one of you is etched under my skin, filling me with tar and ink. But I find strength in knowing you can't take anything else from me.

I don't know if I could have stopped any of you. I know I wanted to. I know I didn't. I went limp. I played dead. I let you win to stop it hurting more.

Now when I walk home, I hold my keys between my fingers. I perfected walking quietly to listen out for footsteps. I stare past men on the street, my shoulders set in defiance.

You made me stronger, harder, angrier. You took my innocence but you made sure I'd never 'let' it happen again. I will fight with every inch of me. For years I ran away from you and what you did, but now I look you in the eye and dare you not to regret it, not to fear the rage you woke inside me. I will fight.

[/TW]

I couldn't have made it this far without the endless kindness of Mel and Lily who have been there for me through every panic attack, every flashback, every time I drowned in despair. You saved me a hundred times over. Thank you.

Anyway, I think that's all the Big Important Stuff out of the way! Still with me? Gold star for you.

[CN: food]

For Christmas prep, mum and I spent a whole three days baking. As well as the things I mentioned last time, we also made pigs in blankets, cheese straws and apple tarts (the last of which I polished off an hour ago!). Mum bought streaky bacon especially but then defrosted the wrong pack so we had very awkward pigs in massively-oversized-blankets... Still tasty though! The apple tarts were a near-disaster too, mum wanted to do some kind of vol-au-vent thing but she couldn't really remember what it was and I didn't know at all so we ended up with some kind of pastry star topped with stewed apple thing. We could have googled it, I suppose but where's the fun in that!

On Christmas day I made a very festive steak Diane which was absolutely divine, if I do say so myself. The sauce was delish and mum made some lovely roast veg to go with it. We made a great team - I'd massage and prep the steaks, while mum routinely poured wine into my mouth!

[/CN]

Christmas prep was finished off by finally getting into the doctor's and getting everything sorted. It took three days to get an appointment, the first two we were on hold for an hour and got nothing, the third day we actually went and queued outside before it opened like we were waiting for a new Harry Potter book. Appointment attained, we trudged back through later on to ask for medication, sick notes and more medication! I think the poor woman was a bit overwhelmed. I do think it's worth noting that aside from the terrible appointment booking system, doctors never seem to stay at that surgery for more than a few months. Very odd...

I still seem to be going pretty well on my new happy pills, not sure about my new face stuff though. It burns like a motherfucker and makes my skin so dry I look like a dragon when I wake up in the morning (even on the parts I don't actually put the cream on???) but it does seem to be kind of working... Maybe... I'll give it a bit longer and see.

Glad to finally get my sick notes sorted, I had a weird gap in the middle of them for no apparent reason, which was getting in the way of me applying for ESA. Wish me luck in finally getting it sorted this year!

Christmas day finally arrived, and I was thoroughly spoiled rotten! I got so many amazing gifts, I cannot begin to thank everyone enough.

I had a wonderfully lazy day with mum, we watched The Sword in the Stone and lounged about on the couch just having a super chill day together. We spend a lot of time together, obviously, but usually mum's zoned out post-work and I'm playing a stupid game on my tablet. It was nice to actually acknowledge one another for once!

After lunch, we had a very important nap and it all proved a bit too much for poor Shinxy who isn't used to quite that much laziness.

Boxing day was more of the same, with additional family members. More presents were swapped, more drinks imbibed and food scoffed. It was nice to see my cousin enjoying Christmas, he's finally old enough to actually get it. Becky popped round also, and we had a nice chilled day before I became Quiz Master, using Dan's very cool present for my material. He got an Epicure Quiz book from nana and got very enthusiastic about an impromptu pub quiz.

No photos of most of the family because them's The Rules but here's one of me and mummy having a good giggle at Janna dancing behind the camera.

We got my cousin a Mr Potato Head to add to his growing Toy Story collection and within minutes we ended up with this masterpiece. Clearly he will be attending the School of Picasso when it comes to art.

The following day I headed over to Durham to catch a coach down to London to see Mel for New Year. It was a bit of an odd start to the day, I had a nightmare and so woke up in an excellent mood. Wait, what? It's kind of hard to explain but I had a bad dream that was just that; a bad dream. No flashbacks, no horrible memories morphing into evil little dream sequences, just a silly, scary dream that was perfectly, well, normal.

Unfortunately, that was about the best thing that happened that day as I had a complete disaster of a journey which I think I summed up rather well at the time on Facebook:-

'Well it's been an absolute clusterfuck of a trip so far. Arrived in London two and a half hours late, missing my connection, had a random ass trip through town and forked out an extra fifty quid to get a train to my final destination. Gargantuan thirteen hour trip is now a gargantuaner fiteen and a half. Best part was having some asswipe manspreading so far he lounged completely out of his chair and onto the floor, attempting to use my feet as a pillow. Perchance he just fell asleep and ended up slipping into the aisle? Oh no, my friends. How do I know? Because he lay there unashamedly picking his nose and flicking his various discoveries into his unfortunate travel companions. Eventually he got up and had the good graces to apologise... TO SOMEONE ELSE. Alas, his makeshift living and disgruntled cushion got nothing but an unabashed stare of complete ignorance. Wanker. The journey was somewhat saved by my single serving friend who I got on with splendidly, so thank you to Clare who saved me from total mental collapse in my sweaty prison.'

I honestly don't know how I didn't stamp on his face. If it weren't for the lovely lady to my right and the lovely lady in my lap (mum bought me Maggie Smith's biography for Christmas, I wasn't getting a cheeky lapdance) I would probably be running around the streets of London with pants on my head and a couple pencils up my nose.

I eventually made it to the train station where Gracie picked me up (despite having to get up for work in about 4 hours, what a hero!) and Mel confirmed it was indeed still 2016. I was so excited to finally meet Gracie, we'd been talking online a little for a while and it was like I'd known her my whole life. We are just as geeky and daft as each other and she's a total babe. I'm really glad Mel has a friend like her when I'm not around.

Because I'm an utter genius, I managed to leave my coat at home so hijacked Mel's jumper for the week. It was so comfy, though! We spent a lot of time cuddled up in bed fighting off the cold but I think we got quite a lot done somehow.

After a day of rest from the trauma of my trip down, we went for several walks, did a bit of shopping, watched a few movies and lots of youtube (I finally introduced Mel to LOTR), I made stir fry for everyone and baked a cake for Gracie.

Well, I tell a slight lie, Mel had seen LOTR once before when she was wee but was too tired to really enjoy it. I wanted her to watch it with me because it shows me at my geeky excitable best and movies are one of the few ways I can show someone raw feelings. It's always been very difficult for me to express, or even fully feel emotions, partly due to autism and partly due to the way I was raised and films have been so helpful to me in actually experiencing and conveying feelings. It may be a big blockbuster movie that I had nothing to do with making, but it's also an incredibly personal and intimate thing for me to share with someone.

New Year's Eve arrived with several more guests. I suddenly found myself surrounded by Mel's friends and neck-deep in laughter and frivolity. I watched them all swap presents and it was so sweet to see how they had all gotten such thoughtful gifts. They've been friends for years and you can really tell, they're so at ease with each other and the house was filled with joy. It was a little overwhelming at times, as I'm not really used to big groups of people, but I never felt left out or like I was intruding.

L-R Becca G, Ben, Hawke, Vicky, Becca C, Mel, Gracie, Emma

We spent the night playing silly games and drinking Old Mout, which I refuse to believe is alcoholic. Emma made a fantastic dinner for us all (truly, truly yummy!) and won Cards Against Humanity. Vicky branded us all with henna and we cracked open some fizz as 2017 drew closer. At midnight, Mel and I saw in the New Year with a kiss while Eye of the Tiger blasted from the TV. Amazing.

'The true art of seduction lies in using the moist, demanding chasm of his mouth and a surprising amount of hair in a way that ensures eating Tom Selleck's moustache to gain his powers.'

New Year's Day was just as eventful, we rocked out to David Bowie in the car on the way to a lovely restaurant called Mei's in Taunton. I used the trip as an excuse to wear my snazzy cosmic tights and we all ate as much as humanly possible.

We made a mad dash to and from the restaurant in the rain before heading home for face masks and Super Monkey Ball which is equal parts hilarious and impossible. I had a bit of an American Psycho moment when I managed to peel my face off in one go, as far as I know, it's still haunting the house somewhere!

Mel and I cuddled up in bed and watch Dara O'Briain's new show Crowd Tickler before going to sleep. I don't know if it was because I was sleepy or having a sulk because I knew my time was short or something else entirely but I barely laughed at all. I can't really find any 'fault' with the show exactly but it seemed so much less entertaining than his previous tours. I think I'm going to have to watch it again for a final verdict.

The trip home the next day was much smoother than the journey down, I made it home on time and didn't have to fork out any more money for surprise trains. We did, however, stop in Leeds for an hour where I was followed by two different men for ten minutes. I made myself walk around town for a bit of exposure therapy (and in the hopes of finding somewhere that sold coffee) and I made it through in one piece though I could have done without the mini-stalking.

I'm safely home now and I think after that mammoth of a post it's time for bed! I have two books to read - I donated to their kickstarter last year and the hard copies are on their way to me. Check out Absolute Power and The Lavender Menace right here - queer villains, yay! See you all next week.

Xx