29.03.17

Hello all!

Yep, once again I'm blogging a day late! Whoops! I fully intended to sit down and get this done last night but all of a sudden I felt super ill and super down so I just left it. I've had a sore throat for a couple of weeks now and last night it finally developed into more of a flu situation. Lots of sneezing and making pathetic noises!

Finally got a haircut!

Anyway, I'm well enough to get on with it today so here we are. No sign of my PS4 as yet, the first TWO I bought never showed up though I kind of have to blame myself for that. I made sure to buy from people with positive reviews and legit accounts but what I didn't do is check the reviews in more detail. They were all for buying items and not selling them. In fact, one had a negative review from a couple years ago where they didn't bother to send the item... deja vu!

I finally found a legit seller account and it just so happened it had one minute left on the auction when I stumbled on it so I managed to sneak in there and buy a real playstation for less than the imaginary ones! I got an email saying the item had been dispatched and would be arriving today. As I already said, no playstation...

Then I get another message from the actual seller saying he'd been out of town and would actually send it today. I'm a bit disappointed that I can't play my shiny new games yet but I don't mind so much. I'm just confused as to how eBay thought the item had been dispatched if he hadn't said so? Very odd. So it's been a bit of a saga but I think/hope we're on the home stretch now.

I'm really excited about trying out some let's play videos, I tend to come out with bizarre stuff when I'm alone so hopefully I won't dry up when I have an audience! And by 'audience' I mean 'mammy'.

So this week I've been doing lots of 'research' by watching a ridiculous amount of let's play videos and replaying Dragon Age: Inquisition which is one of my favourite game series. It's so gosh darn pretty and funny and engaging and has a trans character for no reason! How awesome is that? They really expanded on the themes of the previous games and while the whole series has given you choices to make as to what kind of person you'd like to be the lines are definitely more blurred this time around. And it's not so much that now you have to make bad choices 'for the greater good' and all that but that both options could be good, there's no way to know which will turn out better.

The game has always had a bit of a war between the templars and mages going on but because Inquisition is so much more global than it's predecessor's, you get more of a sense of what's going on in the grand scheme of things - things that seemed cut and dry from your time in Kirkwall is actually the complete opposite to Vivienne's experience in Val Royeux. The token baddies in previous games are now fully realised and nuanced - some are still bad, sure, but amazingly it turns out the whole country aren't all the same???

My favourite example is probably a character called Dorian who grew up in a place where slavery is absolutely normal. Of course, I'm not saying that he convinced me that slavery wouldn't be so bad after all, but hearing the way he sees slavery as sometimes the lesser of two evils (i.e. it's a means to provide for your family) was really interesting. As I said, I'm by no means saying he's right but the whole game challenges the way you look at a lot of things - both real world and fictional. Obviously, I'm not suggesting Bioware are trying to convince us to legalise slavery again, but it's a great way of gently encouraging players to try and understand another's perspective.

I also really like that even though the protagonist is different in each game, spanning over a decade, your choices in previous games bleed through to affect the world of the others. One small side quest in the first game changes the way characters act (and whether or not they're even in it!) in the last.

Fly, you fools!

Aside from that, the majority of the week has been taken up with moving prep - selling my old bed and buying a smaller one which will actually fit inside my new room, packing my books, games & DVDs, sorting through my things and getting rid of as much as possible... I mean, to be honest, most of my time has been spent thinking about doing those things rather than actually doing them. Everything was moving so slowly and then suddenly it was happening so I don't think it's really sunk in yet that I need to get a shift on. Especially since I won't actually be here for moving day since divine providence likes to make things as awkward as possible!

Lucky me, I shall be visiting Mel and having a grand old time while my poor mother ups sticks and moves house without me! I am terrible.

Big news this week is that my gorgeous friends Chloé and Steve went and had themselves a wee babby! His name is Oscar and he's an absolute angel. I'm looking forward to spending time with my nephew from another... Mephew? Well, you know what I mean! The best part is when I move for uni, I'll be much closer to go visit. I rarely get time to hang out with Chloé so it will be nice to spend more time with her and meet her spawn.

On Saturday, mum and I popped out for a spot of shopping. We hadn't bought my new bed yet so we wanted to look for one as well as a couple of other things for the new house. We also wanted to get some flowers for nana for Mother's day - she's been on holiday for a month so I hoped it would be a nice surprise to come home to a fresh bloom.

It was a gorgeous day, I couldn't believe it was so hot after having snow just three days earlier. Unfortunately, that was about the only good thing about the day - we visited so many shops and not a single one had anything we wanted! There was a special bed sale on nearby but it turned out to just be mattresses and they started at about £300 which is sliiiiiiightly out of my price range!

We got some flowers from a stall that's been there since the dawn of time before heading to a charity shop to see if there were any beds at a slightly more reasonable price. Turns out there were, however, one of the guys working decided the best way to talk to mum was to press up against my back and talk over my head. I don't believe it was sexual in any way he just had no concept of personal space. Or his BO. We left in a hurry. It's a bit of a shame because some of the beds looked pretty swish but it was just so uncomfortable.

After yet more failed shopping, we headed to McDonald's for ice cream as a treat for wasting a day traipsing around the shops. I could have cried when it was closed for renovations! I' still waiting for my McFlurry... maybe I should start a crowdfunder. Pity me and buy me ice cream!

Oh no, I tell a lie, one other good thing to come from Saturday's failed shopping - I finally caught a Blastoise! That clearly makes up for everything else!!

Foreman Shinxy is helping me build my bed

I must apologise if this post has been a bit weird, I've been really failing to sleep this week and I'm sort of yo-yoing between feeling pretty good and feeling a bit terrible. It's not the end-of-the-world sadness I was feeling this time last year which is good but the lack of sleep, moreover the lack of healthy sleep, is really starting to get to me.

On Tuesday, it took me four hours to force myself out of bed. I just couldn't wake myself up. I'd sit up, switch off my alarm, perhaps reply to a text and then I'd wake up ten minutes later slumped over like I'd been hit over the head with a frying pan. I mean yes, it's normal to occasionally drop back off without realising, but consistently for four hours? I don't think that's supposed to happen. And then when I finally do wake up the headache is absolute torture. It pounds for a good few hours and no amount of pain killers seem to do anything to it, it just dissipates when it's good and ready.

So that's when I do sleep but my hours of lying awake trying not to toss and turn and wake myself up even more this week probably outweigh the actual sleep I got. I am exhausted. I really wish there was something to be done about this but I've been telling doctors about it for years and none of them seem to register it as any cause for concern, all I get is sleeping pills. Which is great on the nights I can't sleep, sure, but I'm afraid of taking them in case they make the 'hangovers' even worse. It's a classic 'damned if you do...' kind of situation. Sleeping sucks. Not sleeping sucks. It's all a big suck-fest.

Anyhoo, hopefully next week I'll have my playstation and will be able to tell you all about that. Until then. my lovelies!

Xx

22.03.17

Hello all!

Once again, I'm prefacing my blog by having a moan because I'm very sleepy so I probably won't be writing too much as I'm kind of struggling to stay awake. It's been a bit of a rough week and I have to admit to staying on the couch feeling sorry for myself for several days, so I don't have all that much to write about anyway.

Dr Walker gave me some meds to help with my sleep but as yet they remain unopened. Yes, I've been having a lot of problems, but for once I've been managing to fall asleep alright. The problem is staying asleep. I keep walking up after 3/4 hours and then not being able to drift off again. At this point, I don't really want to try sleeping pills because I worry that taking one at 4am will mean I'm out cold for the rest of the day which kind of defeats the object. I suppose at least I'm getting an hour or two here and there but it means I'm just drifting through the day because I'm not alert enough to get anything done! Nightmare.

Spent a lot of this week in my jimmies

On top of this, I've been having a bit of a relapse depression-wise which came completely out of the blue and lasted for several days. I think I'm coming out of it now but it was such a strange dip it was almost made worse because I was so frustrated by how random it was! All I know is I felt fine - not manically, deliriously happy - just fine and calm, I went for a bath and by the time I came out, I was utterly miserable. Apparently my mood went down the drain along with the water...

At least someone's getting some kip!

It was sort of good in a strange way though, as even though I felt utterly despondent and sat sighing heavily on the couch with a face like a slapped arse, I knew that this was all temporary and I would feel better eventually. This may not seem like much but I cannot describe what a novel experience it was! For over ten years I've felt utterly hopeless, never for a second thinking I would one day see the other side of this fugue, just waiting for something to put me out of my misery but now... now I can accept my negative feelings as something temporary and wait for it to pass. This small comfort may not have improved my mood at the time, but knowing this new strength has grown inside me is unbelievably wonderful. For the first time since I was a child, I have genuine hope that I will be ok. Sure, I may not be dancing down the street like the girl from Enchanted but, frankly, that sounds far too exhausting anyway! I'm wildly happy with not being wildly happy. All I can ask for is to be content. And, you know what? I think I will be. Perhaps not every single day, perhaps not even for a while yet, but I will be. I'm getting there. I'm clawing my way out of this one day, one blog post, at a time.

I think I mentioned a few posts back that I've started replaying Darksiders II which I'm still working my way through. I really enjoyed it - it's a nice blend of Lara Croft action-puzzle stuff and Devil May Cry button bashing monster mashing. Fun!

The first time I played, I was ploughing my way through with abandon until I reached a level on earth. I'm not entirely sure what it was, but I never finished that level. Perhaps it was the grim colour scheme, or the sudden ramp up of difficulty, or the lack of puzzle-element, but I completely lost interest and never got round to finishing the game.

When I lived with Cazz, she made full use of my xbox and started playing the game herself. She was really into it and pretty much went through in one hardcore session. Until she got to earth. She made it a little further than I managed before she completely lost interest and never got round to finishing the game. Wait... that sounds eerily familiar...

Anyway, my harddrive was getting a little full so I decided to play through some games and get rid of the ones I wasn't as interested into free up some space. I started Darksiders once more, and my enthusiasm resurfaced as it had before. Great. I got to earth and forced myself to get through it and came out the other side and back into the game proper that I love. Happy days. Then catastrophe struck.

Upon returning to my saved game, the xbox immediately crashed before I could even press 'continue'. This happened again. And again. At first I assumed it was my creaking, aged xbox finally popping it's clogs, and gave it some rest time before trying again. Still nothing. After a month or so, I decided to look online and I discovered this was actually a fairly common bug of the game that has, apparently, just never been fixed! Pages and pages of people complaining about exactly the same issue with the occasional reply from the developers saying 'soz, we're trying' but nothing much of any actual use. It took me a bit of searching but I eventually discovered a way of skipping around the loading screen to continue the game. Hurrah!

Unfortunately, this lazy attitude (there are several bugs in the game but thankfully this is the only one that stops gameplay completely), has rather dampened my enthusiasm. I know I'm inches away from the big boss showdown at the end of the game but I just cannot find the energy to go kick his ass. I'll get to it eventually - I'm determined! - but their negligent development and testing has rather ruined a game I used to really enjoy. All I can say is that I'm glad I got the game for free, unlike the people who first complained five years ago who paid £30+!

Gal pals share nudes

Speaking of games, I decided to treat myself to a PS4 in time for Mass Effect: Andromeda which I am beyond excited for! I am a huge fan of the series, as well as Dragon Age which is also by Bioware, and I've been waiting for this day to come for my whole life! Ok, maybe not quite but it bloody feels like it! I've also been thinking about doing some Let's Play videos for youtube (Markiplier may have had something to do with this!) because I'm not really doing much with my life at the moment and it'll give me a little project to play around with. Hopefully it will all go to plan (ha!) and you will find them interesting and fun to watch! The only downside is, now that I have a next gen console, I have a list of about 50 games that I absolutely must have. Bye bye, bank account... I also learned today that my amazingly talented friend Bec Hill is in Andromeda so I will be listening out for her when I play!

My copy of Syd.31's debut album arrived! Catch them on Spotify!

In other news, I went to see my dad today. He's been a bit snowed under (not literally, unlike me!) with odd jobs for friends and family so I helped him collect a king size bed today which is ironic because I'm currently selling mine! It's a divan bed and half of it fit fine in the back of the car but the other half was just a tiny bit too big so we had a quick detour to get some garden rope and lashed it to the roof instead.

Found this delightful tableau in a charity shop doll house!

Other than that, we had a nice relaxed day just catching up and chugging coffee because neither of us had slept very well. His allotment is coming along nicely now that it's kind of spring and the chickens are laying like the clappers, though one of them is only laying teeny weeny runty eggs about the size of a £2 coin!

You'll be pleased to know that the menagerie is as daft as ever, had a lovely show of the two cats licking each other for an obscenely long time. They're so gay. Poor Batty gets knocked about a bit though, as Mister sometimes forgets he's the size of a tiger!

We have a few plans to do music-related things in the near future so that will be lots of fun! More on that later etc etc.

Now for the big news! Are ya ready, kids? (Aye, aye captain! Ahem, sorry...)

I'm moving house! Just before I bugger off to London, mum and I are upping sticks and moving closer to the city centre. I never knew so much bloody paperwork was involved in buying a house and I'm not looking forward to doing that myself one day (ha! A millenial owning a house. Sure, Jan...). It's a nice size house with bedrooms for me, mum and the cat. Mum's especially excited about the garden space as she studied horticulture at college and has got everything planned to be utterly gorgeous and wildlife friendly. I also got a free pack from 38 Degrees as they're handing out seeds to help the bee population at the moment. If you have a space for some greenery, you should get some too!

Typically, we've ended up having to move the week I'm away at Mel's and getting a new tattoo so that's gonna be a lot of fun! Mind you, mum and I have moved a lot over the years so we've got it down to a fine art. I'm sure we'll manage. Shinx is loving things at the moment, the house is filled with boxes. Whether we bring her deliberately or she packs herself into a box, she's definitely coming with us!

Wish us luck!

Xx

15.03.17

Hello all!

Hopefully this post won't be too late, took me a while to get going as I had to take mummy for walkies and then laptop decided it needed 40,000 updates which took foreverrrrr. I got back from my walk over an hour and a half ago! Mum behaved very well though, no lead but she didn't run off and chase sheep or anything!

Evening stroll with mum

We've done a fair bit of walking this past week, enough to hatch an egg or two on Pokémon Go - finally got past my target of 150 pokémon (resting at a solid 151 as of this evening). Also finally getting the hang of gyms - I couldn't work out why other beginners found it so much easier than I for several months until I found out you can tag team but me being a massive loner had to struggle on alone. I kick ass now though so it all worked out well in the end. Also nearly up to level 25, which is no small feat when you live in an area that frequently has no pokémon hanging around it's entire lack of gyms and pokéstops. Good times!

Mostly we've just been mooching around the local area but we did have a look out to Killhope one evening as well as down by the river in Bishop Auckland. Killhope was a strange experience. When I was about five, mum worked there as one of the tour guides - it's an old lead mine turned tourist attraction. It felt like it took years to drive there and I used to totter around giving the tour with mum, for years I genuinely thought I had a job there as mum would reward me with a couple of quid for 'helping' her. To be fair, I probably was part of the attraction before long as I spent half my childhood sat in the small ford you have to drive through to get to the mine. I don't know how I managed it but I had an uncanny knack for sticking my ass into the only patch of water for miles given half a chance and yet mum always trusted me when I told her I wouldn't paddle. Fool!

The photo doesn't really do it justice, but the moon was so bright it actually gave me a shadow. I kept looking behind me, expecting a sneaky man trolling me with a torch. It's amazing how much brighter the moon is away from city lights.

It was strange to go back there after so many years. Especially at night - felt like we'd broken in even though it's a public footpath. I half expected to be welcomed back to the car with blue flashing lights. Everything was still so familiar to me, some of my strongest childhood memories are from Killhope, perhaps even most of them. I loved 'working' there; showing the other kids how to use the tools, walking into the woods first thing to feed the pigs and turn on the water wheel and pressing the button in the mine for dynamite sounds (a surprise I rather ruined by begging mum to let me press it already!). On Hallowe'en, the staff would dress up and do a haunted mine tour which basically consisted of hanging ripped toilet roll from the ceiling but I loved it!

Bishop was another trip down memory lane for mum, she took us to where she used to play as a child, under a huge viaduct which has since been graffiti'd (or whatever the word is) with the hard hitting words 'Pug Life!' It was a nice day though and I had the pleasure of petting many doggos which improves any situation, I find. Pug life, indeed... We went to the river and skipped stones before walking around her old haunts.

I found a stone that looks like No Face

For any of you wondering why last week's entry is missing, it's because I had the worst period of my entire life and ended up getting the flu on top of it. Week-long migraine, back pain, cramps, sore throat and a grumbly tummy. Good times! By the time I started to feel better it was already the weekend so I thought I may as well just hold off until this week or I'd have literally nothing to write today!

On the plus side, it gave me several days to really focus on self care and just existing. This may seem like avery lazy endeavour but I honestly cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn't just waiting for the next thing to happen and worrying. Instead, I allowed myself the time to just look after me. To have a shower and brush my teeth because I cared about my well being, not because I was scared of looking less than my best for someone who wouldn't even notice. Again, this might seem like a really obvious thing to do but sometime during my depression I fell out of the habit of doing these things for me and would only shower/get dressed etc if there was a chance someone would notice. It's hard to give a shit about having greasy hair when you already feel terrible about a thousand other things, but sometimes all it takes is washing away that grease to make every 'insurmountable' problem seem a lot more manageable. Taking the time to do regular daily things just for myself, if nothing else, gave me a real sense of perspective. I'm always so afraid of time running, running, running away from me. Paradoxically, slowing yourself down and stopping to smell the roses and all that jazz gives you more time to deal with the hard stuff. It's not always easy to do but with every conscious effort to look after myself, it gets a little more normal, a little more acceptable to care for myself.

Phew, that was a mouthful... well, a handful, I guess!

At the weekend, mum and I went to Durham to do some research on Peter's family tree again. We finally managed to pull it more or less together and mum made a little story/timeline thing for him to read. It's really interesting looking into people's lives like this, there's a point where it stops being names on a page and becomes real lives and I found myself wondering what these people were like. What did they enjoy doing? What did they talk about? Did they spend hours pondering things they'd never have answers for? We still have a lot more to look into for mum's book and I think nana and Peter want us to delve even further if we can which should be... interesting. Especially when it comes to looking up the Polish relatives when neither of us speak the language, it's hard enough to read the English sometimes!

It was lucky we got there in one piece, on the motorway a car on the left and on the right decided to pull in front of us at the same time with no regard for each other. Slightly terrifying! In Durham, mum went to a new dentist for her check up and it was one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had! A man came in for a nap in the waiting room, Paint it Black thrummed through the speakers and a small child yelled 'Cubone! Cubone!' from the office.

Since we were halfway there, I took the opportunity to book my next tattoo in Newcastle. Unfortunately Jay is mostly booked on weekends so I have a bit of a wait - exactly a month from today, actually - but I'm excited all the same. It also coincided with a Brexit protest so I shoehorned in on that while mum was researching. I just caught the tail end of it but I was so proud of my geordie pals for all the protesting they've been doing - it's so easy to forget that people care sometimes.

[CN: food]

For lunch, we went to the Handmade Burger Co. and I had a bacony, auberginey contraption which was about as big as my face and a side of sweet potato fries. It was a bit 'we kind of wish we were a club so we don't have lights and will keep the music pumping' but the food was absolutely delightful. I still have no idea how you're supposed to actually eat the thing though... I tried cutting it, shoving it in my face, squashing it down... I basically ended up with a dishevelled mess on the plate that used to be a burger. Still tasted damn good though!

[/CN]

On the way home, I got a very yummy milkshake and all but passed out in the car - excessive concentration on family history is really draining!

I had another check up with the magical Dr Walker and my CC and everything seems to be going more or less smoothly. My new dose of meds seems to be a good level for me, I'm still experiencing depression but it's at a much more manageable level and I'm hoping it will be a sort of Harry vs. the Boggart!Dementor effect and I'll be able to practice fighting the real deal on this lesser version.

I'm glad I made it through the meeting in one piece, I barely slept that night because I was so anxious about my CC coming to pick me up (I didn't know the exact minute she'd be arriving and that Panicked Me). My brand new fidget cube got quite the beating as I sat waiting for her. On the bright side though, Dr Walker has written a letter for me which should hopefully help me receive uni funding.

Unintentional Maggie Smith poof

I was also very excited to finally receive my copies of Absolute Power and The Lavender Menace which I helped fund on kickstarter last year. I can't wait to get stuck into them, enjoy some selfies of me posing with queer books because I am incredibly vain (and getting much better at eyebrows).

Since I've been a poorly owl, I spent a lot of my time re-watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and laughing at Markiplier on youtube. I think the reason I like him so much is that his enthusiasm for games is exactly the same as mine for films. We can both spend 5 minutes excitedly chattering about a tiny, inconsequential but clever piece of scenery as well as having stupid conversations with people on the other side of the screen who probably can't hear our insults and battle challenges. Probably. I have to thank Kara for linking me to his Tattletail series to cheer me up during my ouchiest times.

I'm still not used to this youtube celebrity thing. I mean, I'm absolutely not denying that these people work hard to get thousands upon thousands of subscribers and record, edit and upload all the time but it's just so accessible you feel like you're just watching one of your mates, not someone that millions of others look up to. I think the problem is that I feel like if I were the one with ten million subscribers I wouldn't expect any of them to want my autograph! Or perhaps it's just that it's a modern phenomenon and I still hold movie stars and musicians in higher esteem than most others. Either way, I think it's great that people are finding new and creative ways of earning a living and doing what they love.

Whatever the case, I must have watched about 24 hours of his videos in the last week alone which is... terrifying, but he's really easy going and has access to games I don't (mostly thanks to this terrible laptop) so I get to 'play' them too. It's actually really inspiring to watch him too, it makes me want to get up and do things. I'd really love to be able to do let's play videos like that and perhaps when I eventually get a PS4, I will do. For a second there I was convinced there was a PS5 and had to do a bit of googling.

Anyway, the thing I've been saving 'til last is sort of linked to this, in that it involves my old pal Kara who I mentioned in my last post (I think!). Her band Syd.31 is doing really well and on Sunday they held an online album launch party for a sneak preview before the real deal this weekend.

Syd.31 are a four piece industrial punk band from Manchester with influences ranging from Joy Division to Marilyn Manson and a nice eclectic mix in between. It's clear that the band have a great love and respect for music as a means of communicating. Though the lyrics may not be subtly crafted poetry, there's a beauty to them in their pure honesty and equally raw delivery which, accompanied by a blend of synth drums, heavy guitar and samples, take you on a genre-bending tour of the emotions. The freaks, those left behind by society, can find a home within the lyrics, beckoning you into the fold with thumping beat and distorted riffs abound.

There's no time for preconception as Dr Magic and co. guide you from tender sadness to unadulterated rage to bopping with joyful abandon from one track to the next. Not knowing what to expect makes this album fresh and unique while still paying homage to the bands they love and the nerve-shredding adrenaline that comes from being in the crowd as they play. Dr Magic makes it clear that his real love is for live music and his album was intended to recreate the sound and sensation of being in a club watching the band thrash on stage, rather than giving you a carefully crafted album which strikes every note with well-practiced perfection. By no means is this an excuse for mediocrity. The album is sleek and sexy, bouncing from style to style as easily as one would press shuffle on iTunes.

It may not recreate the sheer cataclysmic experience of standing in a crowd in a sweaty, dark room - though, what truly could capture it? - but it serves well as an appetiser, a taste of what is to come if you see the band in their natural habitat; no holds barred, covered in blood, screaming for us to join them and, after listening to The Last Punks on Earth, why wouldn't you?

Syd.31 are on Facebook and Twitter and you can buy their album (or pre-order bundle) right here.

01.03.17

Hello all!

I'm going to try and keep this brief because I've been on hold for two hours (shaking so much I can't actually stand up but I bloody well did it!) and filling in some very taxing forms and my brain is dribbling out of my ears. Studenting r hard. Managed to completely fuck up my student application; got to a page that was like 'Do you fit into category A or category B?' and I fit into both so I took a punt and went for one when I should have gone for the other. Brilliant. To be fair, it was about as clear as if it had just asked me to pick one of the letters! Think I've got it sorted now though, so once I find somewhere to print out a zillion forms I should be back on track.

Also, last week I promised you all pretty photos but my plans were scuppered by Storm Doris who chewed up and spat out the studio we planned to shoot in! Hopefully I'll be heading down soon, I'm looking forward to working with my lovely friend Steve. I will let you know as soon as we make new plans.

On a more positive note, I finished my Odd Thomas binge. It got a little repetitive at times - every book using an almost word for word recap of certain plot lines & character descriptions. In fact, I'm fairly certain a couple of lines were literally just copied and pasted. I can understand why - if you pick up the 7th book first you might get a little lost but it got pretty wearing reading the same paragraph every day for a week.

I would suggest, unless you hate the first book, you read the whole series. You don't have to, of course, but stopping halfway would be like reading Harry Potter up to book four - you get the adventures but you never find out how he defeats Voldemort which is kind of the whole point. The last book ties everything in nicely and the story comes full circle, with an ending that had me a little teary eyed (in a good way!). There were one or two gaping holes in terms of lore, not so much a plot hole as an unanswered question, but since the message of the series is basically 'the world is deep and mysterious and has many secrets' perhaps it works in it's favour that we never get all the answers.

The story does work along basic Christian theology - heaven & hell and an acceptance of some sort of God - but it's not preachy in any way and actually comes up with a very interesting... well, not ideology, but perhaps a philosophy. It certainly hasn't converted me but I enjoyed the theories and speculations that tie into the story.

I was really surprised when some of my mental health issues were casually brought up in one of the books. It was a strange moment of triumph and disappointment - I've never seen depersonalisation mentioned in any fiction, written or filmed, before but of course it had to be the evil scientist who was using mind control and living creepily through his slaves. There was a specific disclaimer to say his MH issues weren't anything to do with him being a wanker but with so few role models to choose from* (see ONE*) it would have been nice if he could have been a little less abusive and, y'know, murderous.

All in all, it's a masterfully written series with some wonderful words that I was hitherto unfamiliar with, as well as a couple of things that made me giggle. Odd meets some very bizarre characters along his journey (including some names you will certainly be familiar with) and I love his eccentric attitude and their interactions together. There's also a very lovely - but not too sickly - love story woven throughout. I was thoroughly bored to tears watching The Notebook but Odd Thomas establishes a beautiful relationship without laying it on too thick despite it being the driving force behind Odd and his efforts to fight evil.

Decapitated cat

Mum and I have had a few more trips out - to various libraries and towns (and Pokéstops!). On Saturday we headed up to Newcastle, somehow managing to stretch a one hour drive into twice that, Peter has asked mum to look into his family history so we took advantage of the facilities at Newcastle library. On the way we passed a Rohan clothing shop and mum had to cling onto me to stop me from runningin yelling 'the beacons are lit!' because I am a child.

We also went for a walk up to the local library to return my books, it took us twice as long to get back as to get there even though the way back is downhill. Why? Because the wind was so strong if I jumped I would fly backwards twenty feet!

Windswept!

I quite like going to the library there though, I leave mum to deal with the scary librarians while I take over the gym outside. I would like to know how it's alright to charge me £10 for being 3 days overdue on a couple of books, but I don't get to fine them for being a month late on the books I ordered!

It's been a bit of an off week for sleep, I've been sleeping less and less and now mum is back at work I'm remembering how difficult it is to get y ass conscious and outta bed without her assistance. I'm trying, of course, but today I just couldn't stay conscious long enough to sit up let alone be productive. I finally managed to haul my butt out of bed sometime after 1pm and then was sat on the phone having a panic attack on hold so not really sure it was entirely worth it!

Also in 'Things My Brain Likes to Troll Me With' this week, I've been having a series of dreams where everyone I care about is killed or dies because of me failing to protect them. So that's fun! I don't exactly believe in prophetic dreams but the frequency with which I've been having these ones, and their sudden appearance out of nowhere, is making me a little nervous. I'm sort of waiting for something to go horribly wrong so I can convince myself that it's my fault for not acting on the dream, if that makes sense.

Looking at it rationally, I think perhaps I'm having these dreams because I feel that certain relationships that meant a lot to me are getting strained and people are drifting away from me - our relationships are dying, as it were. It wasn't something I was aware was upsetting me so much but obviously it was at least on a subconscious level.

Things have been rather difficult this week and I can feel myself slipping back into old habits/ways of thinking. I'm really hoping that my awareness of it will go some way towards me being able to fight it off. I can't go back to how I was a year ago. I just can't.

I've got my next meeting with Dr Walker soon so hopefully that will help too. Other than that, I just have to try my hardest to keep disagreeing with the bad thoughts and asking mum for cups of tea.

[food]

I have to admit being rather spoiled this week, with Pancake Day on Tuesday and mum being too tired to make dessert I got two days of pancakes instead! Lucky! I absolutely adore pancakes, I once managed to eat thirteen in one sitting. Proper dinner plate size ones too! Couldn't get anywhere close to that these days and I was skinny as a rake then, go figure. Also had a really nice M&S meal from the 2 for £10 section, the new Clubhouse Bacon Double burger from McDonald's and a box of chocolates. In fairness though, we exercised way more than usual too so it kinda almost balances out... right?

[/food]

Finally, I would like to give a shoutout to my old friend Kara who I've recently gotten back in touch with. A few years ago we were more or less inseparable until she moved to Manchester and we just sort of drifted out of each other's lives.

We managed to drift back into contact recently and I'm so pleased to say she's living the dream over there with her new band Syd.31! Their debut album will be up for sale very soon, you can pre-order right here and you can listen to their first official single below. They have a very cool punk aesthetic and sound; think  Discharge meets headbutts Exploited. It's a great sound to thrash out to when you're in a bad mood and wanna give the finger to someone. If that's your jam, you should definitely give them a listen! I love what I've heard so far and can't wait for the album to land on my doorstep so I can hear it in all it's glory!

Xx