21.12.16

Hello all,

It's been an interesting week, I watched a lot of telly and had a pre-Christmas Christmas with my dad and got my bake on with my mum! I've also been spoiled rotten with prezzies and cards from lots of people so thank you very much you lovely lot. As well as this, I discovered that your first time singing around a new lip piercing is quite an interesting experience! Pretty much the first thing any singing teacher will tell you is to E-Nun-Ci-Ate and boy do you feel the difference.

Cosmic tights from my aunt!

So, if you read my blog last week, it should come as no surprise to you that the first thing I did was finish off watching 3%. I accidentally stayed up 'til 4am the previous night watching some of it and forced myself to go to bed and watch the rest later. What I didn't realise was that I was almost finished with the thing, which is probably a good thing or I might've pulled an all nighter! There are several things I want to talk about, I shall endeavour not to go into too much detail as it's relatively new but you should assume mild spoilers when reading ahead so skip my review if you would like to avoid them.

If I open my presents early the cat will get me!

[spoilers]

I shall try to write the briefest of synopsis; basically when you turn 20 you can go through The Process to see if you are good enough (on of the top 3%) to go to The Offshore where you can have a better life. There are a group of rebels who don't believe in the Process (which, by this point, is treated as a nu age religion) and are trying to bring down the system. They are called The Cause.

One of my favourite things about the show is that neither side is seen as 'the good guys'. Both sides have pros and cons, both have extremists who have taken lives and people who just want peace. It's complex and messy and there isn't an obvious choice to make, much like real life. As much as I like franchises such as Star Wars, it's very obviously good vs bad, especially in the earlier films. Things in 3% aren't nearly as clear cut. This becomes even more apparent as the plot develops and, as viewers, we realise just how little people know about what's really going on.

This complexity is woven into the characters too, my particular fave being Joana who I loved from the get go for being determined, sexual, tough and completely unapologetic but as each layer is revealed she becomes more and more interesting to me. And she's a total babe.

Another character I fell in love with is Fernando, a disabled boy with a keen mind and a kind heart. He's an absolute cinnamon bun (to use the common parlance!) and I find his story very intriguing. A lot of the other... contestants? question whether he should have been allowed to try out given that he's in a wheelchair but due to medical advances if he makes it to The Offshore he can be cured so it becomes irrelevant. Rather than leave it at that, however, Fernando insists that there's nothing to fix and that he's perfectly happy as he is. I really love that the show challenges the common idea of 'the best' and doesn't just put him into the role of the poor disabled boy who needs saving from his miserable existence. The writers allow him to challenge those misconceptions, to be the hero, to be sexual and in love and a fully developed human being instead of just a face in a chair.

I also feel like I have to give a special mention to Mel Fronckowiak for her spectacular portrayal of Julia. The overall acting standard in 3% is exceedingly high but Fronckowiak has a very limited amount of screen time to take her character through several powerful and intense developments, a feat she achieves with aplomb. Her main episode is an incredibly moving journey, aided by some beautiful music, and is one of the most touching and heartbreaking pieces of tv I have seen in a long time.

I really cannot stress enough how much I adored watching 3%, the music, the acting, the writing, the plot, the abundances of hotties... I could go on! Really, if you have access to Netflix you should stick it on.

[/spoilers]

I've basically made this week into sci-fi week as next on my watchlist was another Netflix original; Spectral. It was interesting enough and the special effects were very fluid and pretty but the whole time I was watching it I was very much reminded of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within which also features weird ghost-y type things that kill you with a single touch but aren't what they originally seem. Spectral does have Emily Mortimer working in it's favour though, I am a big fan of her work. It also uses the 'small military team saves world go America' trope which I'm getting more than a little sick of. Still, entirely watchable though not entirely memorable.

Moving swiftly on, next I watched Mass Effect, errm... I mean The Expanse. Now, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of parallels with game series Mass Effect however, I absolutely adore that game and it's far from a criticism to say that the two bear similarities. Both even feature the fantastic Shohreh Aghdashloo in political office! I find that Netflix series' always feature a strong cast and I think that's because a lot of their shows are global (or indeed galactical) and that is reflected in the casting. Instead of seeing the same 12 white people over and over, we're seeing a multi-racial cast that really are the best for their roles. There are some very interesting characters to get to know all played by great actors, some you may recognise, some you probably won't but there's certainly no dip in standard.

My absolute favourite aspect of The Expanse has got to be the script. Humans have been split into three factions; Earthers (pretty self explanatory) basically politicians and middle class people, Martians (from Mars, again, pretty obvious) who are more geared towards warfare, and Belters - the working class masses who are forced to live on an asteroid belt where they mine for provisions (mainly water) for the planets. Over time, Belters have developed a very distinct personality and one upshot of this is that they have developed an sort of English-creole among themselves. It's really interesting to listen to;some words you can kind of see their origins but stringing them together in a sentence and it becomes a whole new language.I can't imagine the effort that went into both writing the Belter language and rehearsing and learning it as an actor. A very impressive feat and something very original and enjoyable to witness.

Alright, I think that's enough reviews for now. I'm currently watching season 2 of Scorpion but I haven't quite finished it yet so I'll spare you until next week! I'm also very excited about the Christmas special of Sense8 which will be with us on the 23rd. If you haven't seen it yet... it features all the great things Netflix are doing for tv, including a fantastic trans character and lots of LGBT+ babes embroiled in a very intriguing story.

Mmmm yummy...

On Saturday I went to visit my dad and Susan for early Christmas shenanigans. Usually I just go over for the day so it was nice to know I didn't have to rush off again in a few hours for once. I was a bit stressed, however, because mum always goes a bit Stepford whenever I mention him and I half expected to go into the kitchen and find out she'd boiled one of his pets. Thankfully, that didn't happen but I feel guilty when she gets like that because it's my fault for seeing my dad but on the other hand it's my right to see him if I want to and just... ahhh there's a lot of feels involved.

It was really nice to just chill out with them for the night, have a nice dinner, have a couple of drinks and just chat. We swapped prezzies and watched some movies while I annoyed the cats and that was it.

Delicious! Currently trying Foster's Spiced Rum also

We watched a bit of Drillbit Taylor which wasn't really my bag of chips before switching over to The Machine, starring Toby Stephens whom I adore. It was enjoyable enough but if you've seen Ex-Machina you don't need to see the other, and vice versa. After they went to bed I got sucked into rewatching Moon as it had been just long enough that I didn't remember what happened. It's amazing how much more noticeable the special effects have become in just a few years. Not that they're bad, by any means, but you can see where the two Sams have been put together.

Gorgeous gift from dad & Susan

Had a bit of a weird night's sleep listening to various animals making strange little noises! I didn't feel like I'd slept but every time I checked my phone at least an hour had passed and I wasn't completely exhausted by morning so I guess I must have! Actually, I was strangely chipper come 9am and chatted my dad's ear off over morning coffee about this that and the other. Poor bloke!

We had a really nice buffet for lunch - just a few bits and pieces with some Christmas crackers to pull. We were joined by my nana D and my sister Nataly who has grown up to basically be a mini me! It really brings nature vs nurture into focus given that we grew up completely separately but we have so many similar interests and tastes.

Siblings.

She's grown up into such a cool and thoughtful person, she bought everyone lovely presents, though mine was by far the best! We spent the day chatting about Pokémon and Harry Potter and relationships and movies and everything else under the sun. The girl runs on some kind of batteries, I swear, she just never stopped!

It's magic!

The best part is that you can tell when it's cool enough to drink by how much has changed back. Genius! Also, the cheeky little message in the bottom of the cup!

After food, we popped over to my brother Rick's house (a whole 50 yards from dad's house!) and he gave us the grand tour which included his one poster and chair! In his defence, he had just moved in! We all had a nice little catch up, though I think nana got a little uncomfortable when the air started to turn blue, bless her. It's a huge house though, for the rent he's paying you'd be lucky to get a cupboard in London. Got a yard and everyfink.

Next, we popped out to feed the chickens & rabbits before heading back to dad's in time for his friend Steve to visit. Steve is one of the loveliest and most genuine people you could ever meet. He didn't know I was going to be there and apologised for not getting me a card/present about 400 times, bless him. Nat very magnanimously offered me one piece of her giant chocolate bar!

Before long, it was home time and dad dropped us all off one by one and we ~made plans~ for the new year. As long as 2017 is better than this year, I'll be happy.

[CW: food]

On Monday, Michelle came to visit again and we plied her with homemade sausage rolls and banana cake in exchange for gossip! Mum always likes to get her bake on at Christmas and I was forced to find an appropriate playlist on Spotify to set the mood... joy... Still, I always have fun baking and I do make excellent cupcakes! I won't post pictures in case anyone reading this is affected by them but if you'd like to see what I've been up to check the link below.

To see the end results, as well as my face, please go here!

[/CW]

Since Monday I have been about 90% asleep as my narcolepsy is really kicking up a fuss this week. It's been a bit surreal and dreamlike and I've been sleeping a lot. Looking forward to feeling conscious again!

So it's been a pretty fun week all in all, and I imagine the coming days will be full of stories to tell you. Until then, au revoir and Merry Christmas!

Xx

14.12.16

Hello all

I don't feel like it's been a busy week but I seem to have a lot to write about so that's interesting! Although this week is looking like a bit of a review-y post so that could be why. As it's nearly Crimbo I'm gonna use this opportunity to plug my wishlist and paypal in case anyone wants to send me monies or prezzies! I also sent out a few Christmas cards to people this week so hopefully you should all get those soon! Well, not all, I didn't send that many!

I woke up at Blayn's on Tuesday and found out that apparently beer makes my wisdom teeth grow so I've been nursing mouth pain for a week with a nice cut along the inside of my cheek. I thought the best solution to this would be to get a piece of metal jammed through my face and finally got my labret re-pierced. I first had it done when I was sixteen but had to take it out when I started an apprenticeship because it was getting really sore leaving it out for 12+ hours a day then putting it back in.

Look at me finally figuring out how to do eyebrows

So, on Saturday I headed out to Durham again with mum to go to Buzzin' Guns (Incision Body Piercing lives in the back) for my piercing. If you live in the area, I cannot recommend these guys enough for your body mods. Also, I'm pretty sure there was a photo of someone I went to school with on the wall!

So Punk Rawk

It was a bit of a mission as mum doesn't really do the whole piercing/tattoo thing so she went and mooched around the shops while I headed up alone. This is the first time I've been out in public alone since moving back here, which in itself would have been stressful enough but add to the fact that only six days earlier I'd seen S in that very place... yeah not fun. There was a bit of a wait in the studio and every time the door opened (a lot because fag breaks are Very Important, apparently!) I had a heart attack thinking S would be standing there.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about seeing S last week. Obviously, there was the terror and the crappiness but I also felt kind of vindicated in a way. I've had weeks of Care Co-Ordinators telling me I'm not trying hard enough because I don't go out alone, ignoring my protests that it's for my safety but now I'm allowed to do the Told Ya So dance at them. They've also featured heavily in my dreams since then (more than usual, if you can believe it!) but there's definitely been a... shift of sorts. As awful as the experience was, I think in a way it's kind of grounded my subconscious and they're now more manageable, I suppose. This is probably the closest I'm going to get to closure so hopefully now I'll be able to move on as much as it's possible to do so. I'm trying really hard to look at the positive of the experience - I survived, after all! Though it is a conscious effort sometimes not to completely spin out of control.

Salt water & tea, let's see if I manage to drink the right one!

The piercing itself wasn't a problem - I thought going through the scar tissue of last time would hurt more - but as soon as I got out of there all the tension that had built up at the thought of seeing S again made me throw up. Good times.

*casually crops out hat hair*

[CN: food]

The next day we headed up to The Shire to see nana and Peter after their holiday in Portugal. They brought us back a dancing lizard fridge magnet and a fig & almond cake! As ye do. The ingredients list was very informative: figs, almonds. We had Sunday dinner while we caught up. I truly believe ambrosia (the food of the Gods) was just crackling. So good. They always make the best roasties and Yorkshire puddings and this time we had roasted carrots and parsnips as well. Quadruple yum!

[/CN]

I was a bit wary of their reaction to my labret as Peter referred to my nose ring exclusively as my 'nose bogey' for the better part of five years. Not entirely sure where else he gets his bogeys but y'know... Aside from a perfunctory 'EUGH' when I walked in nothing was said so colour me very relieved!

All in all it was a really chilled out day, we talked about their holiday and plans for Christmas over a glass or two of wine before heading home to veg out on the couch. I'm afraid that's it for notable outings this week, been a pretty lazy one all in all what with mum being exhausted with LastWeekOfTerm-itis. We did put the Christmas tree up and I accidentally managed to decorate the cat as she decided to sit under the tree, resolutely refusing to move no matter how many times I tripped over her!

Haute Cature

Now onto the telly! I finished my rewatch of Breaking Bad and I enjoyed it far more this time around. The first time I watched it I got a little sick during Season 4 & 5 - though it picked up at the end - but this time I appreciated every single episode. I also developed a newfound respect for Skylar and Marie as well as the hip and groovy soundtrack! I'm not going to waste your time telling you it's good because I don't think anyone in the world has said it isn't. It was great to revisit the characters I loved and I left it long enough that I thoroughly enjoyed the fabulous script and all it's twisty turny bits.

I also rewatched Now You See Me with mum (who hadn't seen it) because we'd been watching ITV's The Next Great Magician and I thought it would be a fitting end to the series. I've always loved magic, I don't care that it's not real I just love the skill involved, the hours of practice it takes to build these amazing illusions. It doesn't matter that it's a 'trick', in fact I think that makes it better because it means that a lot of work and effort has gone into it, not just a supernatural ability. Now You See Me encapsulates that, only using effects to further add to the sense of wonder and amazement. The script and cinematography are fantastically slick and I can't wait to see the sequel.

While struggling to find something to watch I stumbled upon a quirky little comedy called Detectorists. Think Outside Edge/Hot Fuzz (minus the violence) meets Time Team. I wouldn't say it's laugh out loud funny, though there are moments, but it's very well written and very English. It has a really good cast and the script is packed full of throwaway lines and stupid conversations that you will definitely have heard down the pub. I really enjoyed watching it in a chilled out, cuppa tea and slippers sort of way.

What I really want to talk about, though, is Netflix series 3%. If you haven't heard of it it's a Brazilian Portuguese show in the same vein as Logan's Run and Hunger Games with a touch of Exam for good measure. It's been in my to-watch list since it came out but I kept putting it off because the synopsis just doesn't do it justice. I finally put it on last night and ended up staying up 'til 4am without even realising. I do love my dystopian future stories and 3% doesn't bother with a big explanation of what happened to the world, it just jumps straight into the action. There's an incredible array of characters all fighting to make it to The Offshore for a better life. Everyone is so interesting and fleshed out, there isn't a token bitch or a hot chick in sight; they all have a story. I mean, they're all the hot chick, including the guys, but that's besides the point! I'm totally hooked and will definitely be watching the rest tonight, every episode is packed with plot plot plot and I don't want to spoil any of it because it's so intricate and exciting to watch. There are both sub and dub options so don't worry if you don't speak the language (I certainly don't!), though I do find it strangely easy to understand. I made Mel watch it with me and I think she got just as into it as I am.

I better go now anyway, mum and I have been watching Crystal Maze on Challenge and she's about to have a hernia because of how useless they are!

Xx

07.12.16

Hello all,

I think I've been equal parts busy and lazy this week. Been some long days but also some very long sleeps! I also did a little poll on twitter and The People have spoken so I will be including photos in this post, instead of just links. Let me know which you prefer!

[CN: food]

So, as you'll know if you read last week's post, I was on a bit of a downer so to perk me up, mum dragged me to M&S and we raided the choccies and puddings. I got some delicious hazelnut chocolate and we found a deal on some Asian food so loaded up on that as well. It was meant to last a few days but we scoffed the lot in one sitting! We did keep at least some of the dessert/chocolate for the next day, at least. Though I did eat all of that curled up in bed the next day... whoops. Sticky toffee pudding though, can you blame me?

[/CN]

On Saturday we had a super early start to get through to North Shields and look after my cousin for the day while his parents were out selling pizza. They have a FB/Twitter and now Insta so please do give them a follow and like!

It's unbelievable how much he grows every week, not just physically but his face is just constantly glowing with learning. He really listens to everything you say and absorbs everything in the environment. I think he learnt 3/4 new words just from hanging out with us that day. Also, his sense of direction already puts me to shame!

Here he is being suffocated by mum who can't work out why his head won't magically go through the hanger still in his jumper.

We had a very busy day playing with every. single. one. of his toys but only for a maximum of five minutes each and playing 'Simon Says' AKA cater to every one of my cousin's commands. He loves making people join in with his activities, from running and jumping to blowing on his food to cool it and even pulling faces! He's becoming a proper little human now. He also likes to make sure we're fully stocked on tea.

We went for a walk by the beach along to the high street, partly to tire the little bugger out, partly because I was down to less than 10 Pokéballs and panic was starting to set in! It was so sweet watching him pelt up and down the street, completely enthralled by all of the Christmas trees and fairy lights. It was a great distraction while I was training my Pokémon in the gym, too!

He wasn't quite as sure about the bloke we saw cycling up and down on a penny farthing wearing lederhosen and a WW1 German helmet and ringing a bell. He gave him a very tentative wave when I encouraged him but he didn't look convinced!

After a long walk we got back to his house and collapsed onto the couch wondering how the little ball of energy was still conscious. Eventually his parents came back to relieve us and we received payment in pizza before saying goodnight. Children are hard work, I have no idea how people do it, and my cousin is the sweetest, most easy going human on the planet.

I was very excited about receiving some jewellery from Etsy shop Absynia so I did a wee lil photoshoot to show off. There's some great stuff on there so you should definitely have a looksee! The rest of the photos are here.

Midi-ring

Bracelet (with actual lava!)

On Sunday, mum and I went to the Christmas Market in Durham. There were a few familiar sights from the Newcastle market we went to previously but it was still nice to have a mooch about, mum found a gift for someone and I got a nutella latte so a pretty successful trip.

There was, however, a teeeensy hiccup which was kind of creepy in terms of timing. As I've mentioned plenty of times before, I frequently have dreams about S (thankfully slightly less horrific now I've changed my meds), but on Saturday night I had a slightly different dream. They were there and I walked right up to them and said 'I'm not afraid of you anymore.' Probably as close to closure as I'm going to get so I woke up feeling pretty good about myself, hoping that I could finally start to move on from my constant fear of discovery.

[TW: rape, PSTD]

Oh, how I would eat those words... while shopping I found a couple of super cheap games to add to my Xbox collection and while standing in line I saw someone standing behind the counter with their back to me. They reminded me of S but I shrugged it off, S is quite short and that person was about my height so it can't have been them (apparently high heels don't exist???). Then they turned around. I honestly don't know how to describe what I felt in that moment. It lasted for hours. They turned and I noticed everything. Every single hair that moved, the way their eyes (thankfully) skimmed straight past me, the way they now did their eyebrows, their extensions, their outfit, their piercings, their ink, them, them, them. It was a punch to the gut, my heart pounded, I start to tremble and sweat. I managed to mumble 'that's S' to my mum before shoving the pile of games into her hands and running outside.

I waited outside. I paced. I downed my coffee. I watched a staff member start to lock up. I wanted to scream 'you're working with a rapist!'. I wanted to disappear. I was alone for maybe a minute but it felt like days. Every passerby was a threat. Every glance I received said 'I know all about you and what you did.' I waited for S to come out of the shop and look me right in the eyes. I waited for them to catch me. To pull me under.

Mum came out a moment later, she hadn't been able to buy my games. She was shaking too. Her anger warmed me. I felt sick, at myself. I'd just re-dyed my hair and now I matched S. They wore it better. As soon as I got home I dyed my hair black. I put on my makeup, I took off my clothes. They had filled me with darkness and I wanted it to consume me. I wanted to look like the ice I felt in my veins. I wanted to take that hurt, that blackness, and make it mine. Make it my glacial armour that S could never ever penetrate. I wanted to show the disease it leaves under your skin.

[/TW]

I call him Jack Froste

You can view the rest of the photos here or on my Insta.

I had plans to meet Blayn on Monday and after the events of Sunday all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and forget the world but I knew if I did that it could take weeks before I felt brave enough to go outside again. Eventually I managed to drag myself out of bed and put on some clothes. We headed off to the Metrocentre and gravitated straight towards Yo! Sushi, forgetting it was Blue Monday but taking full advantage of the fact once we remembered. After stuffing our faces, I did my utmost to show Blayn a proper British day out.

We spent a good couple of hours playing penny slots, I taught him everything I knew in terms of tactics and picking the best machine. We also tried our hands at the shooting gallery, which I'm apparently pretty good at, and the throwing galleries, which I am not so good at... I also showed him the piano game. I don't know what the proper name of it is but it's basically a dance mat for your hands. Blayn wanted to challenge me to a game but after watching me to understand the concept, he totally backed out! Undisputed (and completely unchallenged) champion!

We did pretty well and actually managed to get over 700 tickets which we spent on some sweets (again for the Brit experience, I insisted on some Rainbow Drops) and a daft cushion for my mum because she's obsessed with Minions.

After kicking out time, we headed back into Newcastle to get a couple of drinks. Most places were completely dead so we ended up having one drink in three or four places, awkwardly staring at the empty dance floor. We bumped into Blayn's friend Kim who was also oot on the toon and made friends with a guy on his coming out bar crawl, and his insistently heterosexual friend. They were really sweet and we had a good laugh with them before heading to a club that had actual people in it and dancing the night away! It was kind of strange being the one with 'long' hair in the group!

It was a very late night and we had a great time dancing to some great tunes and some incredibly cheesy ones! Also, the DJ in one of the empty places was super cute and made up for the lack of anything happening!

I got off pretty lightly the next day, with a bit of a tender tummy but no other complaints. I did, however, learn what happens when I take my meds on an empty stomach and spent half the journey home as white as a sheet and clinging to consciousness through a lot of nausea. Huge thank you to Blayn for making sure I got home in one shivery piece!

Managed to pull myself around, thanks to food, and went for a haircut after. My hairdresser is adorable, I know it's part of the job to chat and gossip with the customers but she takes to it like a niffler to gold. She talked my ear off for half an hour (in a good way!) and then I came home and slept for fourteen hours... Must stop doing that!

Aside from the tiredness and one freak event of nausea, I seem to be handling these new meds a lot better than last and hopefully it'll just keep getting better. As I said before, please do let me know what you think of the new layout!

Xx

30.11.16 (Belated)

Hello all

So first of all, apologies for the lateness but been having many internet problems and also being a stroppy lil shit which is not conducive to the writing process!

[CN: food]

It's been a pretty busy week, started off by going to my nana's house while she's on her hols to see Dan, Janna and wee cousin M (they were house sitting). We gorged ourselves on Chinese while watching Masterchef. Took ages to order because I always want at least one of everything so I ended up getting a special chow mein and rice because I eat like a bird. I love that 'eat like a bird' is a saying to mean you eat nothing at all when birds actually eat like 10x their own body weight every day. Depends on the species if you wanna be really pedantic and, let's face it, when don't I wanna be pedantic? I ended up snagging half of mum's meal too. I was quite proud of myself for putting it all away to be honest! Also tried the chocolate kiss I got at the market the day before but the selfie I got was by far the best thing about it. It was like mushy soap! Gingerbread my ass...

[/CN]

Anyway, back to the main story! When I say 'watching Masterchef ' what I actually mean is 'sarcastically narrating the programme and acting as though I could do any better'. It was, however, a much needed break after chasing my cousin around the house for two hours. His new favourite game is 'Emimy running!' which basically means 'chase me, chase me!' This might sound like a simple task since he's only two, but he will complain if you don't actively run and you can't actually catch him so you have to do a weird little penguin shuffle which makes you very static and very tired! Still, I was complaining I wasn't exercising enough the other week so I suppose he was doing me a favour!

It was really strange watching his little head bobbing up and down the corridor as he raced back and forth, like looking into a pensieve or something. All of a sudden, hundreds memories came flooding back; the sounds and smells of nana and Peter cooking in the kitchen, the soft murmur of indistinct conversation and the thunder of my feet up and down the corridor as two year old me did exactly the same thing.Weird but very, very cool.

[TW: healthcare, medication]

The next day I went back to the doctor's again to complain, again, about the sheer bloody agony of the meds I'd been prescribed. I don't know if this is normal practice across the country, but I never get to see the same doctor twice so it's always a bit of pot luck as to whether or not I'll get someone who will listen to what I have to say or not. After the usual ten minute briefing of my medical history, I found out that I'd finally struck gold and she immediately called up my 'care physician' (the man in charge of my medical and therapeutic care, best positioned to help me because he's never actually met me!) and he deigned to talk to her and agreed to change my medication. Well, I say 'agreed', it was more of a 'who? oh. yeah. do what you want, I don't care.' but the result is the same so I'll take it! I've been on my new meds for five days now and both my nightmares and stomach cramps stopped immediately. Wonderful. It's almost like I was right about them being side effects of the medication!!! I have to up my dose in a couple of days though, so I'm a little worried about the possible side effects that will ensue but I'm enjoying my pain free days at the moment.

I'm also on meds because I have the skin of a hormonal thirteen year old and it seemed to work for a week or two but now it's getting bad again so I'm a little concerned that my body is adjusting to it, since it is an antibiotic. We'll see how it goes, I've been a bit under the weather with a stomach bug so that could be the reason my face is rebelling again. On the plus side, I'm finally at a stage in my life where I can take photos without make-up and not feel like Wesley to-the-pain-ed me.

[/TW]

Mum and I were busy (or active!) bees this weekend and we went on two walks, totalling a little under ten miles, I'd say. On Saturday we went to Frosterley and followed a walk I used to do with my nana's husband all the time when I was wee.

((Side note but I'm not entirely sure why I always specify that Peter is my nana's husband and not my grandfather. I wouldn't be offended if people thought he was, they married long before I was born and he is my family but I've always made sure to make the clarification... Odd.))

It was a bit chilly but there were some beautiful autumn colours about! We found a weeny waterfall, some quarry ruins and got chased by a very lonely looking horse! I'm not scared of horses but I'm wary of that fact that they're fecking huge so I gave him a little 'hello' pat as we walked past and tried not to panic as we felt him breathing down our necks! He gave up when he realised we didn't have any food which we were grateful of, to say the least.

We walked from the hills down to the river and had a very confusing conversation when we found that the bridge we were going to cross was only half finished. Mum was trying to explain that we'd have to walk to the other end of town to cross by the pub but I was adamant we could use the bridge near my nana's house. What I didn't realise was that the half-bridge (or ramp!) we were looking at was the replacement for the bridge I was thinking of. When it finally hit me I was absolutely gobsmacked. I know enough about science to understand that over time water erodes rock and rivers change course and landscape where they flow. What I never expected was that it would happen so much in my lifetime that I wouldn't even recognise a place that I spent half of my childhood. Gone were the huge stone slabs that you could cross the river on, gone was the tunnel beneath the old bridge - which was also washed away! -, gone was the little swimming hole that I always found myself in ('I promise I won't get wet this time, mum...' *Splash*). Even the trees had changed, the expanse of grass they grew upon now a tiny strip of land behind a huge, wide riverbed. It was such a strange feeling to see that place so changed, I was in awe of the power of nature while mourning the loss of something I loved, a place still there but so much changed it no longer felt like 'mine'.

The following day we headed over to Hamsterley Forest again, where I yet again found a childhood memory eroded by the fast growing river. I almost felt like I'd wake up one day and half the house will have fallen into the water. I also learnt that all the years I never wore a hat was possibly the smartest decision I ever made. The damn things are more slippery than a wet bar of soap!

Despite the frost part of Frosterley, it was quite a mild day but Hamsterley was bitterly cold (and not full of hamsters, false advertising, I say!) but still very pretty. So different from the summer walk we had there earlier this year. There are some fantastically strange trees in the forest, not to mention a collection of strange mushroom/penises someone has carved into some of the tree stumps... It was a bit of a mission to get around in one piece, the mud was deceptively deep, the cyclists were very cranky and the wildlife was on Troll Patrol. At one point a pheasant exploded out of a bush inches away from us making that horrid trumpeting noise and I honestly thought my heart had cracked my ribs it was pounding so hard. Fucking terrifying! I had a mental image of slowly sinking into the mud as a man on a bike swerved around me, glaring because I'd forced him to slow down. The cycle and pedestrian paths have several crossroads and the way some of them glower you'd think we were deliberately waiting at the junctions to get in the way!

All in all, a very nice weekend with lots of giggling and silliness with me mammy.

Yesterday, pre-sulk, I went to see my dad. We put the world to rights over coffee and cigarettes, as always, before having a mooch round the charity shops... as always! He's looking for a glass topped coffee table so if you know of any el cheapo ones in County Durham, let me know! We watched some crap on telly and chatted the hours away with Susan. Conversation never runs dry over there, we're always trying to one up each other with sarcy remarks and silly jokes. It really does bring some light to the whole nature vs nurture argument - our sense of humour is quite blatantly a genetic trait, as is our love of all things furred, feathered and scaled, our goffik sense style and how good our legs look in mini skirts!

We popped out to feed the chickens and the rabbits before heading back in so I could paw at the snakes. Sid had a lucky escape because he was mid-shed but Nancy, Noodle and Tango all had love and cuddles thrust upon them. My heart absolutely melted over Nancy, she's such an inquisitive little thing she was tasting my face and exploring my sleeves and pockets. So adorable!

Usually dad and I plan to see each other semi-frequently and then end up waiting six months before catching up again so I'm kind of impressed with how well we've done this year in keeping in touch and actually seeing each other! We've planned to make plans for a little closer to Christmas when I can hopefully see my sisters too.

As well as watching a rather ridiculous amount of tv this week, I joined yet another letterboxd-esque site to keep track of my viewing. If you are interested, or already have an account on trakt please do give me a follow! It's a bit terrifying that it shows you in real time how much tv you've watched. Obviously I haven't listed everything I've ever seen but I've already racked up a whopping 190 days of viewing in my lifetime. The other thing I noticed was that when signing up there are three options for your gender; male, female or unknown. I'm very glad to learn that the third gender is a Pokémon.

This week I watched The Crown, Red Riding Hood, Wit, Planet Earth (first series) and I just started on a Breaking Bad rewatch.

Wit is a film I really love, as someone who loves words I really relate to the protagonist and it's so refreshing to watch something that just assumes you're smart enough to follow along. If you haven't seen it, it's about a woman's final days during her battle with cancer as she looks back on her life as a scolar and student of poet John Donne. It's very well written and engaging but obviously not the cheeriest thing in the world. For some reason, I decided this was perfect date night material so reduced my girlfriend to sobs watching one of her favourite actors suffer in the name of romance! Well done, self. Nailed it. In my defence, it's been a few years since I watched it and I forgot just how upsetting some scenes were. I'm sorry, Mel!

Eileen Atkins (who plays a professor in Wit) is absolutely one of my favourite people on the planet and when I learnt she was in The Crown I metaphorically hurtled over to Netflix to have a binge. I wasn't holding out much hope that I would enjoy the show as I am a staunch non-royalist and have very little interest in the actual family. While I wouldn't say it was my favourite show in the world, I came away pleasantly surprised. I have very little idea on the actual accuracy of it but I felt like what I was watching was a very unbiased view of real people that most others have an opinion on. While there was a real sense of Liz being trapped within the confines of the crown in terms of what she can do with her own life, the show never shied away from calling out people on their bullshit. Philip wasn't just the outdated, racist caricature he is in the media but he certainly wasn't given a free pass either! Having very little knowledge of that time period, I was very surprised by the roasting Churchill got, knowing him only as the war hero we hear about today. In short, I felt like a learnt a little and I was entertained enough to make it to the last episode though it definitely won't be winning a place in my top ten tv shows.

I don't really have a lot to say on the Amanda Seyfried version of Red Riding Hood, I was only half watching it and it didn't do much to pull my attention away from twitter. I could say more but I don't want to bore you with reviews all the time! I am, however, really looking forward to the next season of Planet Earth which I will probably watch once I've finished BB again.

Got a few sort of plans in the works so hopefully I'll have lots to tell you next week.

Xx

23.11.16

Hello all!

This is the first post I'm writing from my laptop. Finally managed to defrag, clean and poke at it enough to get it to some semblance of working order. As such, I am very happy to announce that I no longer have to contend with the dreadful autocorrect on my tablet which likes to capitalise random words, correct short words such as 'it' to things like '85th', and change longer words to peoples' personal details! Makes blogging very stressful when mid-sentence there's every chance you could tell everyone your gran's phone number!

[CN: medication]

It's been a bit of a difficult week in terms of medication side effects. The first few weeks were pure nausea and grogginess, now I have a very keen, sharp sense of FUCKING PAIIIIIIIN. A symptom I had on a different SSRI has resurfaced, giving my nightmares that extra nudge into 'truly horrific'. It was bad enough seeing terrible images and being unable to wake from them, now, when I eventually do manage to crawl out of bed, any pain I experienced in the dream I will also have irl. I mean, obviously it's the other way around and the pain is incorporating itself into my subconscious but it's super creepy dreaming about being bitten by a snake (a lot of the dreams involve needles/bites/pointy poison things) and waking up to find a strange little mark accompanied by burning agony.

The non-spikey pain is centred mostly in my stomach, kind of like period cramps but higher up. It's funny that I didn't really notice it until the last few days. My stomach got very loud immediately - lots of gurgling and sexy noises like that, then it started to hurt a bit occasionally but I never really linked them together and suddenly I'm curled up on the couch in sheer anguish every day. The worst part is there's nothing I can do other than suck it up or go cold turkey because the next meeting with my psychiatrist isn't until just before Christmas. 

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I did, however, successfully do an exercise this week! I was working out at least 3 times a week and then I had a few days off due to illness and then I was too busy and then I just started to forget and fell out of the habit really quickly. It's a shame because I discovered I quite enjoy exercising when there isn't a homophobic PE teacher screeching at me. I managed to do a little again this week so hopefully I'll be back to some kind of routine before long. I'm not doing it to lose weight; I'm a feeble little creature and I really want to try and look a little more androg/boi-ish when I'm not deliberately dressing femme and I think a little muscle will help. Also, crushing a man's head with my thighs is my desired aesthetic.

In other news, I stuck a couple of things on eBay after my big clear out so if you'd like to send me money please do have a look in case there's anything you want. I will probably be adding more items in the next few weeks. I mean, send me money even if there isn't anything you want tbh.

[CN: food]

Managed to have a shuffle around Morrisons with mum on Sunday despite the pain. We went to a store a little further afield than usual and, honestly, it was like going to a different country. There was so much more choice! We filled the trolley and ended up spending almost double what we normally do on a weekly shop because we were so excited. The fridge has never looked so good. We had a nice little Sunday lunch there too, I got a couple of slices of beef with mine and mum got an entire bloody chicken!

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After eating, I dragged mum over to the pet shop across the road to look at the little fluffballs. Bit disappointed that in the entire store they only had one rabbit but I managed to catch many Pokémon so it could have been worse! I'm curious if any other players have noticed any difficulty with Pokéstops since the second to last update? I ran all the way down to 10 Pokéballs (from almost 200) because there was a full week of 'try again later' messages whenever I tried to check in anywhere. I still get the message a lot but I've managed a few successful attempts since then. On a positive note, I'm almost up to 100 Pokédex pages completed and today I seemed to be getting double exp! There was probably something explaining that on the latest update but my phone doesn't show the info it just updates... well, after I force restart 400 times, anyway. Ah, technology! I nearly threw it down a drain today after it crashed and restarted itself about ten times while I was trying to restock on Pokéballs. I cannot win with phones, they're always dreadful! I think I may have to give in and spend some actual money on the next one I get.

Had a nice day out in Newcastle today, anyway. Aside from the Pokémon hunting, mum and I went to the Hancock Museum to check out the planetarium. I've been going there since I was a weeny dinosaur-obsessed enby (a weenby?), there's always something new to see and there's something comforting about going back again. Today, I made friends with a snake... always the Slytherin!

There are a few different shows at the planetarium and it's gone all Starbucks - you can get a loyalty card and go see one for free after a few stamps. We saw Infinity Express which was a bit bizarre. It started off like a bad radio drama and then took us on a pretty vague journey which talked more about 'endless curiosity' and 'life's big questions' than any actual information which was a little disappointing. Still, there were a couple things I didn't know which I enjoyed learning about, even if most of what we could see was a knock off Doctor Who opening theme! It was only 25 minutes long though, so I suppose there's only so much they could put in. It was narrated by Laurence Fishburne which was both a blessing and a curse - it sounded great but I spent the whole time going 'who is that?'

[CN: food]

Before heading home, we popped round in to say hi to my mate Lee who I abandoned whilst in London because I'm a terrible friend! We also had a mooch about the Christmas market around Grey's Monument and eyeballed all of the food. I tried my first (and sixth!) churro, got a gorgeous salted pretzel and mum 'convinced me' to buy some chocolate kisses - gingerbread for me, Baileys for her. At which point I nearly had a heart attack when some random woman got a little over excited behind me and groaned 'Baileys...' right in my ear! Funny old day.

I haven't been sleeping too well this week due to massive amounts of agony so I managed to watch a lot of Netflix. I started off on Elfen Lied which, as far as I can tell, is basically Mewtwo Strikes Back with tits. Psychic girl is plugged into a headset thing in a ~secret lab~ until she escapes and blows stuff up with her brain. Naked. She does, however, have some kind of MPD/amnesia so when she's not playing 'who has the biggest spleen?' she's an innocent little girl who needs to be fed and cared for. Naked.

It was pretty sweet in places, once you got past the usual anime trope 'oh no I fell over and now you can see my sexy panties' etc etc and I would have liked to see where they went with the story but I found myself six or seven episodes in and not really invested in any of it. Again an anime favourite, I get very tired of the 'you touched another girl therefore we'll never get married I should just kill myself' girls and the main dude (I've forgotten his name already) was just meh. I may go back to it eventually but I'm in no real hurry.

I exchanged Elfen Lied for Spartacus - I'd seen enough of it before to know that there was absolutely no concentration required, you can simply sit and absorb it. Don't get me wrong, there is some intense plotting and story line but 80% is just slow-mo CG blood spatter á la The Matrix so if you're not in the mood to focus on anything it's pretty perfect. Though before you take this as advice and stick it on as background, I should point out that there are a lot of triggers too so be wary!

The show is completely ridiculous and over the top; the only thing that breaks up the ultra violence is the gratuitous sex and while neither of those things hold a particular interest to me, I do find Spartacus strangely entertaining. It seems that for every plus point, there is something utterly nonsensical to counteract it. I really enjoy the way they use language in the script, the words that they don't use and the way they phrase things really gives an impression of another time, however the accents are atrocious! I was very happy to first watch the show because I've always been a big fan of Lucy Lawless and John Hannah but some of the other actors are as expressionless as their loincloths. Some of the twists and battle sequences are really elegant and well thought out, unfortunately the terrible CG kind of ruins the effect. And on it goes.

*Spoilers* My main contention though, is Naevia. Naevia starts off as a sweet little slave girl who is punished for falling in love with Crixus and sent off to the mines to die. While busy in the mines, she undergoes a complete transformation due to being recast, and ends up having a full personality transplant to go with it. Obviously, I don't mind a character changing over time because... well, that's how people work, my issue is more how it all happens. First of all, I am utterly sick and tired of shows raping female characters because they can't think of another way for them to develop. Believe it or not, women have the capacity to learn and grow without being sexually assaulted. They can... want to change. I know, I know... it's a bit of a surprise. Take a moment to let that sink in.

On top of this, they actually had an episode or two where Crixus thought she was dead and so wrote a whole subplot for him as he changed and reacted to it. My question is simple: why didn't she stay dead? If you have a different actor and a different character, what on earth is the point of squeezing that entirely new person into the old mould? Crixus had already accepted her death, why couldn't he simply move on and fall in love with a new warrior woman over time? I see absolutely no benefit to stapling the name Naevia onto the new person's forehead, in fact I genuinely think it would have been easier to just write her as a new character. It made about as much sense as Dexter's Deb having a random week as a junkie, never to be referenced again.

I also found it super weird that, upon becoming a slave, Laeta immediately falls in love with the guy who stabbed her husband in the face two days earlier. And Gannicus dumps the girls who totally gets him, whom he shares a healthy and loving relationship with, for some random girl who hardly even speaks to him. Anyhoo, that's enough of that, I think. Onto better things!

Before going to bed last night, I accidentally watched an entire show called River. I've been rather off the pulse with film and tv of late so I'd never even heard of it but upon seeing a photo of Stellan Skarsgård and Nicola Walker I decided to give it a go. I'm so glad I did. As well as two fantastic leads, the show also features my faves Lesley Manville and Eddie Marsan (and also possibly my mate Alex??). The star of the show, however, is the script. Such beautiful, real dialogue for the actors to sink their teeth into. I love it when I watch a show and there's a thousand little moments where characterisation and being human take precedent over pushing the plot forward. The direction and acting was absolutely beautiful - all the ups and downs of real human speech, pauses and sighs and every nuance you find in actual conversation.

One of my favourite aspects of the series was the very refreshing take on mental illness; real and honest reactions to someone different without the story demonising River for suffering from it. It was almost worth sitting through a million 'he's schizophrenic therefore he's a murderer' movies to finally land on this little gem.

River is a lonely and withdrawn man who finds interactions with real people next to impossible. There's real joy in the conversations with dead people (aha Buffy reference) and there's never any sense of him being a danger to anyone because of it. Walker plays his partner and bff Stevie who is everything he's not; easygoing, silly and full of life. They're polar opposites but never antagonise each other. Like a zip they fit together and create something incredibly strong.

Unfortunately, Stevie is dead. And that's where you find the strongest emotional theme of the show. There is such a deep sense of sorrow within River, it didn't really help with my own mood because it was so believable that I fell into the funk of depression and loneliness right alongside him but there was something so tender about the way it was portrayed that it was completely worth taking that journey with him. For every ounce of pain and sadness, there was love. I cannot compliment River enough on it's sheer humanness. That's what made it so easy for me to sit through every episode in one sitting. In short, I absolutely adored it. Everyone needs a Stevie.

I also watched Secret Life of Pets with mum but I think most of you have probably reached your limit on listening to me spout about films/tv so suffice to say that it's enjoyable in a Toy Story butnotasgood + youtube cat videos butnotasgood sort of way. I'm also technically watching the latest Die Hard right now but I haven't paid one jot of attention to it. Didn't watch anything with Mel or Lily this week due to The Pains.

And that's all for now, see you next week!

Xx

16.11.16

Hello all!

[TW: depression, drugs]

Well, it's been a bloody frustrating day, to say the least! Met my replacement care coordinator today, who finally explained to me exactly what the hell a care coordinator is. She seemed nice enough and threw a few ideas around, but at this point I've been passed around so many different people (lots of whom promise to see me again, then never do) that I'm highly sceptical that anything will ever get done. Still, she's already doing better than the last one who went to the wrong house and then blamed me for not being there! It was only when she said she could hear the dog barking and we told her that we didn't have a dog that she finally admitted she might be the one in the wrong. When she eventually made it to our house a fortnight later, our conversation led to a complete breakdown. She then told me 'not to get so upset' and that I 'seem down.' It's almost like she was assigned to see me because I'm depressed or something?!

Today's incredibly brief meeting with CC 2.0 was alright overall, though marred slightly by the fact we got a snarky letter from the NHS blaming me for the poor care I've received thus far. And when I say 'we' got a letter, I mean they told tales on us to our local MP who then forwarded the letter to us! Heaven forbid anyone get in touch with me directly...

All ranting aside, it's not the actual problems I really take issue with, it's the fact that for all the 'how is your mood?' and 'how does that make you feel?' No one ever actually listens to me. Perhaps if they did I wouldn't still be in exactly the same position I was over ten years ago!

Possibly the worst part is that I've now told my GP and the CC about the difficulty I've been having with my meds and the delightful effects they've been having on my nightmares. Both times I was told that we'd discuss it with my psych doctor, which is protocol, so I understand why they said it but it means I have to wait five more weeks before anything gets done. I don't know whether to stick to the meds and suffer, or stop taking them and suffer anyway.

Aaaaaaaand *deep breath*

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On a much sillier note, I made a little lesbian family on The Sims of me and Mel with a teeny tiny doge that we named Juniper (I didn't think of Junipupper until I'd saved their names, missed opportunity!). I don't think she's yet realised I'm continuing my trend of naming pets after Pokèmon characters... don't tell her!

This week Mel and I also started to watch Tokyo Ghoul which I speak very highly of but have only rated three stars on Netflix. This seems to suggest I warmed to the idea of torturing and eating people over time. I was a bit of a late bloomer as an anime fan; it always seemed like something I should like but, aside from Pokèmon, I never really watched any until the last couple of years. I've already made Mel sit through a few more light hearted shows, but as an avid horror fan, I thought she'd like this one. Very romantic date night viewing!

I also watched some Doctor Who with Lily. I'm not the biggest fan of the show but I liked watching it with her. We met many moons ago on tumblr through our mutual interest in theatre and various British shows. With the cast that Doctor Who has it's basically the epitome of both topics combined so it feels kind of special to share it with her, a little reminder of where we started. We watched some Eccleston, Tennant, and Smith, veering towards the light hearted episodes due to me having a massive sulk on. Arthur Weasley on a triceratops definitely helped.

[CN: food]

I've been ridiculously efficient this year and finished my Christmas shopping on Thursday. Even got it all wrapped and posted! I usually have Lily's ready at about this time because of how long it takes to get to her but normally you'd be lucky if I've even started on anyone else's by Christmas Eve! I just seem to have been lucky with finds this year. As a reward, mum and I also bought a very healthy evening snack of jam doughnuts, salted caramel muffins, black forest cookies and chocolate chip brioche! Divine.

We also bought some Children in Need popcorn today which was disgusting but we couldn't stop eating it. It honestly took us about three minutes to scoff the whole packet and neither of us liked it at all!

Michelle stopped by on Monday and brought choccies and cookies as well, so it's been a really healthy week!

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This week, I fiiiiinally finished Dexter and I'm sure you've all been dying to know what my final thoughts are. Let me sum it up with this tweet. I can't even be angry at the ending it was just... bland. They killed off half the cast and had a huge storm not dissimilar to the ending of the Life is Strange game and yet I was completely unmoved. It just made very little sense to me, there didn't seem to be any point to it other than to be as dramatic as possible in the most shallow way. Very disappointing. I really wish I had more to say on the subject but it really got to be an effort to watch it towards the end. I've always had a bit of a problem with the first episode of the season where they add in the clunkiest 'oh hello Dexter it has been seven months since I saw you and these people got married and I was at this funeral, isn't life funny?' dialogue. Subtle. It felt like a lot of the plot points of the final season had been shoehorned in just to wrap things up, which possibly isn't entirely the writer's fault if they had initially planned for more seasons. It's a shame that a show with so much potential ended so averagely. I would certainly recommend watching the first four seasons, perhaps even the first six at a push but the last two didn't add anything to the show for me.

On Sunday, mum took me up to Jesmond Dene for a walk. There is a footpath around the water that's six or seven miles long but we only walked about 2 or 3 due to sudden rainyness. It's a strange little walk, you're sort of below street level in the middle of town and yet surrounded by forest and completely isolated. There were lots of tunnels and offshoots from the pathway, it looks like it would take a long time time to explore the whole area even though it's so narrow. A magical hidden wilderness under the city. We also found an abandoned mill down there which was fun to explore!

Taking shelter from the rain, we somehow ended up in the Metrocentre (mum and the one way system in Newcastle are like two magnetic poles constantly repelling each other) where I met up with Blayn. I first met Blayn on ~the interwebs~ a couple of weeks ago during my very brief stint on Tinder and we got on straight away. I felt totally at ease the second I met him, an effect I think he has on everyone with his friendly nature. Neither of us are particularly coffee people but we both felt the calling that day. I got a hazelnut latte which I've never had before, very yummy! We seem to have a lot in common and we talked about so many things; our respective relationships, politics, anime, British VS American culture (he is from Oklahoma), gender and queerness... Conversation flowed so easily between us, I almost feel like it's a shame we got on so well because I know he's moving back to the USA before long. Still, I love my online friends and I'm sure he'll be one of them when he does go home.

After a lovely day, I arrived home and drank a beer the size of my face. Lovely. I don't have any plans set in stone for this week so we'll see what I have to write about this time next week. See you later!

Xx

09.11.16

Hello all!

It's been a bit of a difficult week, if I'm honest. I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd planned, partly due to cancellations but mostly down to nightmares and depression completely kicking my ass. It's frustrating, let me tell you. I go to sleep thinking about nice things and my brain goes 'well, that's not happening.' I go to sleep thinking about bad things and my brain goes 'well, you deserve this one.' Feeling like your own brain is out to get you isn't easy to deal with.

As I mentioned in a previous post, it's really difficult for me to get up after a nightmare. It's hard to explain and it makes me sound totally lazy but on an average day it can take me around 3 hours to gear myself up to be able to do anything. On a bad day, however... The best way I can describe it is like this: to perform like a normal human you have to be at a 10. Sleep gets you to... maybe a 7 and then you brush your teeth, you have a coffee, you do what you need to do to pick the numbers up. Depression doesn't let you wake up at 7, it knocks you down to a 3, add the nightmares on top of that some days I'm starting at a flat 0. It takes a whole day for me to claw myself up to that 10 and when I look at the time it's 11pm and the day is over. That's part of the reason my sleep pattern is so messed up, I'm scared to go to sleep and throw away all that hard work knowing that I'll have to start all over again the next day. Add to that the narcolepsy, the inability to wake up without help, the immunodeficiency... sleep is tiring work.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that I spent Thursday and Friday in bed feeling like a waste of mattress space. Good times. At least Shinx was there for me!

I also spent most of Tuesday and today in bed but that was down to waking up with the flu and being in lots of pain. Feeling slightly less guilty about that one. I also had a weird illness-induced dream where I was a mix of Gladiator and Dexter-esquire homicide detective stuck in that house from The Collection. Fun! 

On a happier note, it's Trans Awareness Month and you can get this loverly filter for your profile pic on Facebook.

Going back to my week; on Friday I did manage to peel myself away from my duvet eventually because I knew we had a guest coming over. It was so difficult, I could hear myself being a spiky little dickhead to both Michelle (the guest, obviously) and mum and I felt terrible about it but everything I said was just coming out of my mouth with an unpleasant inflection. Tea and pleasant company helped and I think I managed to make myself more amiable by the end of the evening. Oh, there were also cookies... that probably eased my mood somewhat too! Without going into too much detail, because it's not really my business to talk about, Michelle needed a bit of assistance with something and my somewhat extensive (though not nearly as big as it will be in time... ladies) vocabulary hopefully aided the situation. She also turned up with her laundry like a lazy university student! Though, she has been doing her childrens' washing for the past 20+ years, so I guess she earned this one...

On Saturday mum and me went to the Metrocentre to make a start on the dreaded C-word shopping. As far as I'm concerned, the topic should be strictly off limits until December but with presents to send to Lily in America, I have to put a bit of a rush on things.

[CN: food]

I had a delightful Brazilian (made you look! It's a smoothie, you perverts) and introduced mum to the word of the burrito. Mum had chicken and I had steak, much yum though a little too spicy for mum's pathetically feeble taste buds! We also got donuts because... well, you don't need an excuse for donuts.

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Mum and I are both terrible shoppers - I want to go to bed as soon as I even see a shop and mum has such specific ideas about what she wants she rarely ever finds it. By some miracle, we actually had a pretty successful outing this time and aside from a few prezzies, I got me some new headphones and a hat! I got something for Lily and Mel, as well as my little sisters. Just a few more and I'm all done!

Saturday was Bonfire Night/Guy Fawkes Night for those not in the know. We celebrate that time a dude tried to blow shit up by going all Wicker Man on a scarecrow and setting off a ton of fireworks. Violent and pretty, what's not to enjoy? The whole trip home was illuminated with fireworks on all sides, I felt like everyone was cheering us on for not committing murder in the red mall. I've always loved Bonfire Night, standing shoulder to shoulder with 500 strangers in the freezing cold surrounded by the smell of cheap hot dogs is so much more fun than it sounds! Besides, who doesn't love drawing love hearts in the air with flaming sticks of death?

On Sunday we received summons from nana due to technical difficulties. I'm always happy of help, of course, but they have far too much faith in my very limited knowledge of technology! Luckily, it was as simple as a virus sweep this time but I'm not looking forward to the day I have to explain that I can't fix it! Payment came in the former of a delightful Sunday dinner. When I was little I genuinely thought nana and Peter (her husband) were chefs because so gooooooood. After being fed and watered (well, beered), Peter showed us his new toy which he bought for my cousin who is currently obsessed with stars. The garden of nana's house backs onto a sprinkling of trees and Peter's new laser light illuminates them all with thousands of little white sparkles. It's actually become a bit of a local attraction with people trying to work out what the lights are - glowworms are a popular theory - and where they came from - aliens are also a common mention. I did try to take a photo but it failed spectacularly. Still, very fun to watch and easy enough to Google if you're curious.

It's been a bit of a week for weather, we had to take a huge detour on the way home due to the rain flooding the roads, and today we have snow! I have a theory that the election has sparked the beginning of an apocalypse scenario à la The Road. That's all I have to say on the subject, everyone else has already said it far better than I ever could and all that's left for me to add is that I'm so sorry and please stay safe.

I've started a weekly movie night with Mel and Lily, well movie nights since it's two days, and we've had pretty much every problem imaginable from crashing computers to Netflix choosing that day to take something down but this week I managed to watch Tank Girl and I Love You Philip Morris. Both films I've seen before but I was surprised how differently I received the latter this time around. Hashtag maturity. I wonder what we'll watch next time!

The reason I kept that so brief is that I'm also still ploughing my way through Dexter and I feel a bit of a review coming on. I'm nearly finished season 6 and I was surprised to discover that season 5 had been completely erased from my memory. I'd love forgotten about the walling disaster that is Joey Quinn. What an absolute wander. I think we're supposed to like him at times but what an entitled little bitch. He calls Christine his girlfriend to get sex then ignores her the rest of the time, he all but stalks Deb to get her to be with him when she makes it clear she's not interested and then when she finally does date him he asks her to marry him and throws a tantrum when she doesn't obediently say yes! He even uses the fantastically original 'you're not like other girls' line on her and does his best of guilt her into being with him. Nope.

[TW: rape]

But what I really want to talk about is Lumen, played by the wonderfully talented Julia Stiles. If you haven't seen it, suffice it to say that season 5 is brutal. It is also one of the most respectful and tasteful portrayals of rape I have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, the screams of horror and agony are harrowing and will stay with you. However, this is one of two pieces of media I can think of (the other being the incredible American Mary) where there is no sexualisation of the attack. I can't tell you how sickened I am by movies where we're meant to enjoy those scenes because breasts, or where it's used to teach a bitch to be nicer, or - and I'm looking at you here, Ryan Murphy - 'hmm I want extra shock value that doesn't add a single iota of value to the story as a whole... let's stick in some rape.' The latter especially makes me so angry.

Dexter doesn't shy away from the subject matter, or the subsequent suffering of Lumen as a survivor, but we barely see any of the actual attack taking place. There are glimpses but even those are brief and don't rely on any of the ploys I mentioned before. It's incredibly uncomfortable and nausea-inducing to watch but for the right reasons. You feel for Lumen, you empathise with the fear, the helplessness, the pain. And let's be honest, murdering and chopping up the people who assaulted you? Incredibly satisfying. It's not perfect, by any means, but it's rare example of how such a difficult topic can, and should, be handled.

[/TW]

I'm other entirely sure what my plans are for next week but it will include MasterChef if mum has anything to do with it!

Xx