24.05.17

Hello all!

I know, I know, late again, I'm going to have to start setting reminders on my phone, I didn't realise it was Wednesday until far too late! It doesn't feel like a week since my last blog, and, in my defence, I didn't stop yesterday so I didn't have much time to think about writing!

It's been a fairly good week, though, which is nice. I've been enjoying the rock Pokémon festival on Pokémon Go and catching everything I lay my eyes on! I also treated myself to Tomb Raider on the PS4 so I've been re-acquainting myself with Lara, and trying to unlearn those pesky 360 controls!

Recording is going well, I've nearly finished Jurassic World and I've also undertaken another project which has been on the backburner for a while now. Yes, that's right, I've finally gotten around to working on the Semester Aboard audiobook again!

For those of you that don't know, I started working on it back in... December 2015, but due to depression and general mental collapse it got put on hold for a very, very long time. I have to give a huge thank you to the wonderful author for being so understanding and never once making me feel pressured to get back on with it even though the deadline was in 2016! What an angel. I'm very glad to count her among my friends, even before she was an author and I could leech off her success! Still, I'm determined to plough my way through it this time so hopefully you'll all be able to listen to my sultry tones very soon.

As well as this, I've been building bookcases and doing a hefty amount of unboxing! The hallway is now a treacherous assault course of empty cardboard box towers, teetering teasingly on the edge of collapse. I'd quite forgotten how many books we had so it's lovely seeing them all on the shelves again, making the living room look like a place where people actually live! I'm so pleased with how lovely and welcoming it looks, especially after all the effort to paint it!

On Saturday, I dragged mum into Newcastle for The Late Shows because my lovely, talented friend Holly had opened her studio for people to come and see her gorgeous work! I haven't had the chance to see her much since we left school so it was really nice to catch up. She was always great at art but it's amazing to see how she's progressed and developed over the years. I'm also really glad she's gotten back into song writing because she's also got a beautiful and unique way with words.

As if that wasn't unfair enough, her sister Tamsin is equally talented and is going to be part of a series of plays that I'm going to see this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing what her writing style is like, as I have long been a fan of her artwork and honesty with words.

I don't think I've ever said this to them, but I've always greatly admired the both of them, as well as their brother. Not only are they all very intelligent (not just academically but socially), they have always been resolutely and effortlessly true to themselves. I've never known anyone else who, especially through their teenage hormone-riddled years, manage to be so unfailingly comfortable and confident in who they are. I'm sure they didn't always feel that way, but we could all see what a kind, clever and loving family they were, never ashamed to be interested in things and eager to share their enthusiasm with you.

In short, they're a delightful, albeit infuriatingly talented family!

Gosh, I went on a bit there but I'm trying to be more openly positive towards people, including just telling them what I like about them. It's so easy to just take people for granted and forget exactly what it is about them that made you want to be friends in the first place. I'm surrounded by truly incredible people and I never want to become complacent in my esteem for them.

In other news, it's bloody hot today, innit! I've been lounging around in my pants most of the day, waiting for everyone to stop cutting their lawns so I can do some recording! I've been recommended a game by my lovely friend Paige and I'm eager to check it out and hopefully make a fun video for you to enjoy.

Paige is another friend I've sort of lost touch with over the years (to be fair, I lost touch with pretty much everyone during my worst struggles with mental health), and it's been a lovely experience reconnecting with her. I'm off to a gig in June and decided to invite her along which has spurred on a great catch up. I'm so pleased!

How I met Paige is a rather strange story. Back in the days when the internet made a funny noise and killed the telephone, everyone was making their own websites. I think it was even pre-MySpace era! Of course, we were all desperate to out-emo each other so the pages were filled with side fringes, screaming and general angst. My colour scheme was green and black, a combo I still rather enjoy!

Anyway, a friend at school gave me the link to her brand spanking new site so I went to check it out. I have no idea how, but I ended up on a totally different person's page - presumably I got the link wrong. Anyway, this girl was a super cool emo chick too so I left her a message saying something appropriately complimentary (but also DARK AND DEPRESSING) and forgot all about it.

A few days later I get a message off some random girl asking if I went to school with a boy called Cameron. Turns out she was the owner of the site, lived three hours away and had known Cameron before he moved to my neck of the woods. The wrong link I used could have taken me anywhere in the world and yet I end up at the seaside, within driving distance. Small world, eh?

Paige is now a writer and burlesque dancer and I'm taking her to the gig of another friend who's a drummer in an industrial punk band. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Anyway, if you're reading this and you're in the Newcastle/Durham area, you should definitely come along to the gig!

Mum's leaning over my shoulder now to get me to come and help her do some sorting so I better scoot! It's kind of nice having this 'life' thing for a little while, though I'm being careful to limit myself so I don't burn out.

See you all next week, actually on time!

Xx

17.05.17

Hello all!

Yes, yes I know, late again, but I have a really good reason this time - I thought it was Tuesday! I realised in the early hours of this morning that it had in fact been Wednesday but it was a bit late by then!

It's been a nice few days, lots of youtubing - both recording and viewing as well as lots of work on the house. I planted some seeds a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't sure they would grow as the packets were quite a few years out of date but today there were a load of sprouts! Well chuffed, I was. The garden is starting to look like an actual garden, the only problem is that it's so windy everything dries out in about five minutes. Mum and I have taken to sleeping in shifts to water everything every hour.

The living room is coming along very nicely, we've nearly finished painting it - it's taken about 40 fucking coats which is why it's taking so long - but we're determined to get it done this weekend and actually unpack a few books. I've almost forgotten what they look like! It'll be nice to have a little more space in Spare Oom as well, now that the exercise bike is in there.

Oh yes, speaking of which - I got an exercise bike! I kept calling off on going to the gym because I had to have an induction and my anxiety has been really spiking lately so I couldn't deal with it then mum had the brilliant idea of getting a bike or a treadmill on gumtree and voila! It's a proper spin bike and I looked it up online out of curiosity and it's about £300 new, I couldn't believe it! The only downside is even on the very lowest setting I'm only just tall enough to use it so I don't know how anybody shorter than me is supposed to manage.

Well, another downside is that it's reminded me how awful my knees are as I have to stop pedalling every few seconds to click them back into place! Delightful. Though of course, that's a downside with my frail old man body, not the bike itself.

Doesn't everyone work out in full make-up?

I think my youtubing is going pretty well, I'm really getting the hang of recording and editing now so hopefully people are enjoying watching the end product. Episode 2 is now available and I plan to release a new episode every Monday from now on - with perhaps extra episodes in the week if I get too excited!

Mostly I'm really pleased that so far it's something that I'm actually sticking with. I mean, I've been doing reasonably well with this blog, but vlogging provides an extra challenge for me. I'm trying to sort of train myself to have a regular schedule so that university isn't too much of a shock to the system. I'm also trying to get into shape a little bit before I go - hence the bike. A lot of training in acting involves cardio and exercise so I don't want to turn up a couple of years older than everyone else gasping for breath like an out of shape ancient sea turtle racing a cheetah. Might not set the best example for ageing!

Anyway, yesterday I had a lovely relaxing second Tuesday where I got my hair cut, gave the oven an acid bath, gave one living room wall a final coat and started work on the bathroom. Previous owners, in their infinite wisdom, decided that grouting between the tiles was just too much work and so have basically grouted the entire wall. So all of that needs to come off because there are perfectly good tiles lurking beneath.

My new hairdressers is basically at the end of the street in someone's garage. It's a lot nicer than I just made it sound though, and run by a very nice lady who gave me a great cut in less than half the time of my old place!

Before

I also spent a good two hours scooping out oven goop from the cleaner that I left in overnight. Super yum. I'm pretty sure that I'm the first person to clean this oven and I've only been here a month. I mean, to be fair, I'm pretty sure I'm the first person to clean most of this place... Not to say that everything is really gross and uninhabitable, it's just that the dust has been sitting so long it's basically solidified. I noticed today that even some of the walls are dusty. Really weird!

After

It's been a bit of a Day on twitter today, I have to admit. Piers Morgan and India Willoughby have both gone a bit... well Piers Morgan-y. He even sent his minions after someone I follow, so that's fun! You can read my thoughts on the topic here. Obviously, being trans, this whole non-binary 'discussion' is something very close to my heart and I find myself talking about it more and more as we come under the spotlight of scrutiny.

Anyway, I'm gonna keep it short and sweet this week as I seem to be struggling with the writing of things today. Hopefully next week it's a little more fluid!

Xx

14.05.17 Bonus Level Unlocked!

Oi oi, you lucky people!

That's right, as promised you are getting a bonus blog this week to make up for my absence over the last month.

As you might imagine, with little else to do I have been watching a lot of tv of late from the good to the... not so good (and certainly one BAD)! I seem to have managed to steer clear of the ugly so far though, so that's a small comfort. I won't review them all right now because that would take hours to write and probably even longer to read but have a few high (and low) lights to be going along with.

Being a huuuuuge The League of Gentlemen and Psychoville fan I finally got around to watching Inside No. 9 and I have no idea what took me so long. Using the simple premise of every story taking place in a number 9 location to tie everything together, half of The League, in the form of Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton, have written a collection of weird and wonderful tales with a dizzying array of bizarre and beautiful characters for us to sink our teeth into.

While they have always been known for their rather dark twist on comedy, this series really pushes the envelope in delving deeper into the depths than ever before, sometimes forgoing the comedy altogether to explore this new level of horror. Homages abound, classic influences are once again given a pedestal with which to bludgeon any innocent passers by. Moving from one episode to the next, you can never really be sure what you are going to get, sometimes the credits begin to roll and you're still left reeling - should I have laughed at that? Did that really just happen? Where on earth did that come from?

Oftentimes as haunting as it is humorous, Inside No. 9 takes you on a unique journey through depravity and desperation, one episode only offering the faintest glimmer of levity to help you through, while others lather it on with a big dollop of slapstick. I can't say I liked every episode the same, as they are all so fantastically different. However, I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed the exploration of new and unique styles - one episode is filmed almost entirely inside a wardrobe, while another features only one line of dialogue - and the decision to give Pemberton and Shearsmith free reign was definitely a wise one. Clearly, others in the industry agree with me as each episode features a new character played by both writers, but also a star studded cast with cameos popping up left, right and centre, actors clamouring to get just a tiny chunk of script to call their own. The sense of enthusiasm is palpable and, japes aside, there is enough food for thought to supply a buffet. This is definitely a show I will be returning to again and again, and I look forward to many more episodes.

At the other end of the spectrum lies Attack on Titan Part 1 & 2, a live action adaptation of the highly acclaimed manga and anime series of the same name. Usually in these cases, I will recommend that newcomers to something watch the anime first while fans of the anime get stuck in. For once I find that I have the same message for both of these groups: don't.

Put simply, Attack on Titan is a dramatic, horrific, action packed adventure into a dark future for mankind filled with huge imagination and incredible artistry. The film, however, is a slow descent into madness, starting as an adaptation of a well known story and ending in a clash of clichés all vying for prime position in a plot that simply uses the AOT characters in a cheap ploy to get more people to watch it.

I had reasonable critiques of Part 1; a forced love triangle, a strange new storyline replacing a much better one, some of the most interesting characters being dropped altogether... but by Part 2 any semblance of review had been tossed into a Titan's mouth and replaced with one sentence: What the everloving fuck is happening? I honestly don't know what happened but somewhere along the way the plot changed from dystopian fantasy drama to zany monster mashup in the blink of an eye, leaving me reeling with confusion and clinging for dear life to my manga as I struggled to swallow the absolute mess that had been put before me. By the end of the film it felt like the director had realised he still had a surplus of budget so decided to blow it all on a huge fight sequence where nothing that makes any kind of sense happens but it's all very impressive and exciting because they're twenty feet tall and that's all anyone cares about, right? For the sake of your poor, long suffering eyes, please do not watch this vomitous mass of a film franchise.

In other news, I'm happy to tell you that Spare Oom (my recording studio/office/the unpacked boxed room) is fully up and running and you can watch my first youtube post right here! If you like what you see I'd be totally ok with you sharing it and subscribing to my channel for more. I'm just that kinda person.

My poor dad has been in the wars lately so I popped over to see him and Susan on Thursday. What with his injuries making his hand swell up to the size of a small country, he couldn't come and pick me up like usual so I volunteered to get the bus. For those of you who don't know, I have... well I wouldn't say a phobia, but... well, a phobia of public transport. I think it's going to be really early and I'll have missed it, I think it's not going to show up at all, I think it's going to be more money than I've got, I think the driver is going to kick me off for being... I don't know too pale, I think there's going to be a bomb on the bus and Keanu Reeves is going to have a heart attack so he can't come and save us and we're all going to die.

Still, clutching my bag like it was a Kevlar vest for anxiety, I went to the bus stop and waited. Getting to Durham was the easy part, getting from Durham to dad was slightly harder as the driver decided when I said 'Ferry Hill' what I was actually saying was 'Timbuktu' and basically tried to talk me out of travelling on the Bishop VIA FERRY FUCKING HILL bus. Nerves in tatters, I eventually coerced my way on board before quadruple checking the route on google maps to make sure I hadn't taken a wrong turn on my prior ten minute bus journey and ended up in South Africa. More annoyingly, when a man got on after me heading to the same destination, the driver let him on without a bloody word! If I wasn't so nervous I'd have been seething that the whole journey cost me a tenner. I could get a limo to Ferry Hill for ten quid! No wonder no one uses the bus anymore.

Then came the nausea inducing journey where every stop we went past was the one I was supposed to get off at until we finally did get to my stop and I got off without incident but feeling like I'd been dragged through a hairdryer one body part at a time. Still, I made it.

As usual, arriving at dad's I discovered a boatload of new animals for me to meet. I may have to start calling him Noah. After I'd cuddled my way through them all, we went out shopping and I got him a nice fender amp (only £15, absolute steal!) as a get well soon present and an adorable dragon tee and bra for myself. Unfortunately we didn't get any bags so I had to wander round town with half a corset casually in my hand! Good thing I don't get embarrassed easily!

We also had a look up to his allotment to see how everything is doing, I swear it gets greener every time I go there! We had a good old chat about various sprouts - with me pretending I know about 50x more than I actually do! - before heading back home to watch some terrible daytime telly with Susan.

Dad very kindly made dinner for us all, despite struggling with the uber-hand, and I'm sure it would have been lovely if halfway through the meal I hadn't suddenly decided I needed to get the bus right now and raced out the door drawing on a cigarette like it contained the elixir of life. I knew the bus wasn't for another fifteen minutes but I was sweating, terrified, power walking down the pavement like an angry steam engine - trail of smoke in my wake. I finished the cigarette in record time, leaning against the bus shelter so I didn't pass out, trying desperately to focus on the sights and sounds around me, to ground myself to the moment and ignore the churning in my stomach, the tingling in my fingertips, the spinning in my head.

The bus showed up about a minute late. I'd aged fifteen years. Nontheless, I sat on the bus triumphant, happy in the knowledge that mum would be picking me up in Durham so I didn't have to worry about yet another public transport panic attack. I text her en route to let her know that I had set off, and once again when I was about five minutes away from the bus station. I leapt off the bus and walked to our usual pick up point. Ten minutes passed. No mum. I checked my phone; 3% battery and no word. I quickly text her 'where are you?'

An unhelpful 'at home' was the response. I reminded her that she had offered to pick me up. I also told her my phone was running out of battery; would she like me to get the bus (please say no) or was she on her way now?

'Yes :)'

2% battery. Not enough to call and beg an explanation to what could only be a deliberately ambiguous text, my brain informed me, angry at the sudden onslaught of new panic. Quickly I text her again. 'To which???' I demanded, frantically button bashing 'send', literally stamping my foot and yelling 'SHIT' in frustration as the LG symbol flashed up on the screen, signalling a power down.

With no form of communication I was left with two choices; I could get the bus home to find mum had come to pick me up and have her so angry she kicked me out when she finally came back or I could wait here in the hope she would collect me before starvation did.

I chose... to run between the two locales for the worst fifteen minutes of this year, convinced I would miss both her and the buses until sheer exhaustion claimed me and I'd die from a fast acting horrible exercise-related disease.

Of course, none of that happened and mum came to get me. After a couple of hours, a lot of tea and some food I felt more or less back to normal but thoroughly exhausted.

And so to people who think my aversion to public transport is 'just an excuse' I would encourage you to reread this section but instead of laughing, try to imagine you genuinely believe all of these things will happen to you. Thank you.

I hope you have enjoyed your bonus blog and I will see you when we return to our regular programming on Wednesday!

Xx

10.05.17 THE RETURN

Hello all!

Phew, it's been a while! As most of you know, I have just moved house and, of course, it didn't go quite according to plan but we managed in the end! Most of my time has been spent decorating/fiddling with various things and pretending I know how to do a DIY. I also had a lovely week daaahn saaaath with Mel as a sort of half-term-pre-birthday-trip-visit... thing. I apologise for my unforseen absence but I was rather rudely trolled by my wifi provider so I've been sat twiddling my thumbs for a few weeks but I'm back now, hurrah!

Basically, what happened was the company decided they'd provided us wifi when they actually hadn't due to a problem with the phone line, which is not strictly their fault, but the fact they kept insisting we were just being dense got very annoying very fast. Not to mention the constant 'we'll contact you in 24 hours' bullshit we got from them - I'm still waiting for about seven of those calls. One advisor actually asked for our phone number. The number they were supposed to provide. That we didn't get. When we told her that she recommended we get in touch by email. On the internet. Yeah... She was still slightly more helpful than the 'it should just come on' guy!

The long hike to my bedroom...

Anyway, once we'd harassed them enough they actually got an engineer out to sort the phone line - the last advisor we spoke to seemed completely nonplussed as to why it hadn't already been dealt with but no one previously seemed to even know about it! Very odd. Never mind, we're on now and it's so far working much better than in the old house which was a technological black hole (patchy wifi, no access to Sky etc, no phone signal - even though the neighbours got it!).

The worst part was that because we hadn't decorated yet (obviously) we hadn't unpacked much, other than clothes, so as well as no internet access I didn't have any DVDs or books or... well much of anything! Poor mum had to go the first night without any TV as well because I wasn't there to set it up for her! It was pretty isolating at first - especially since my phone signal is super patchy - though that's still better than none at all - I felt really cut off from everyone, especially when my signal fucked off for a few hours at a time. Due to no internet I lost whatsapp access and I couldn't get in touch with Lily for days at a time. Lily and I have spoken every day for almost a decade and having that taken away from me was... quite a blow. For every person I couldn't reach, another limb was torn off. I felt so helpless. It was really difficult to not think as I had so little to distract me. I filled my days pretty well but at night I ran out of things to do and just had to sit and let my mind fester. I ended up going to bed at like 9/10 pm and just lying there slowly descending into panic. I was pretty miserable.

Two minutes from my house!

My nightmares also decided to pay me a visit again and I've still not quite escaped from those yet. So lots of flashbacks with S and other weird memories-meet-present-Hawke-during-zombie-apocalypse happy fun times! The worst part is that I'm really good at lucid dreaming and when I'm having nightmares I'm still lucid - I know it's a dream - but I can't escape. The harder I try to control the dream and steer it to safety, the tighter it's hold on me becomes. It even starts to effect me, or my dream-self manifestation, my hair grows again, people start to deadname me, it's like slowly regressing back into the helpless teenager I used to be. Being aware that I've grown up kind of makes it worse, the added layer of perspective makes me feel even more weak and vulnerable than I did at the time. Lots of waking up soaked in sweat and it's not even clearing my skin!

I worked so hard on my room, I love it!

As I said, I was fine during the day as I threw myself into fixing up the place. I think I've been doing a pretty good job so far. My room is more or less finished now - I just need to unpack a few more things for my shelves and set up more lights but everything else has been painted and screwed (ehehe) and tidied away nicely. Also, excitingly, I have a little office space in the spare room downstairs for all my game consoles! This is partly due to my room's floorspace being almost entirely taken up by my bed, but also so I can record and be loud in the night without disturbing anyone as it's a room off from the kitchen away from the rest of the house and not near any neighbours. Aren't I considerate? It has nothing at all to do with the fact I'm three feet away from the fridge for midnight snacks. Honest.

I also spent a good few hours giving the bathroom and kitchen a bloody good scrub. Everything is a bit filthy. Not in a gross 'people used the oven as a second bathroom' kinda way just in a 'this dust has been here since 1953 and has now fossilised' sort of way. It took some fucking shifting, but that loo is gleaming now let me tell you! The actual loo, that is, not the oven. Alas, the oven beat me in round one and is still covered in... grot. But I went out today and bought some hardcore oven cleaner stuff so you better be ready bitch, Ima coming for ya!

We've nearly finished the living room now so we'll finally be able to unpack my books in the near future! I swear, I've spent more time at B&Q than actually at the house. We're constantly coming back and carrying in random bits of wood and buckets of paint. I've also spent a good few hours just marching round the house with a screw driver and a hammer. The previous owners have very cleverly fixed everything into place with as little effort as possible - if it needs 2 screws, it's got one, if it needs a nail, it's got sticky tape, if it needs plaster, it's been painted over.

It really hit me a few days in as we discovered more and more little issues lurking in every corner. There's nothing inherently wrong with the house - there's no damp and it's not going to fall down around my ears, but it's still got a lot of work to do. At times I felt a bit like Tom Hanks in The Money Pit. Especially when three curtain poles fell down! I also have to give Dan a big thank you for coming over one day and helping us with some odd jobs. I'm a bit disappointed I'm not all chiselled and Gina Gershon á la Bound-like... yet.

Makin' my way downtown!

Anyway, back to the beginning. I had a fantastic time with Mel, despite nearly passing out while waiting for her at the station! We went for lots of Pokémon walks and I treated myself to a few PS4 games. Mel sneakily also bought me an extra one, which was so adorable as it was the first thing to arrive at the new address for me. Super exciting!

[CN: food]

We had planned to have a nice picnic near the bandstand but it ended up being ridiculously windy so we had it in the living room instead! Gracie joined us for fruit, sausages, tarts, pasta, donuts, satays, cheese straws, salami and wine. We had a really nice time sitting on the floor stuffing our faces and swapping our favourite tunes on Spotify. After we'd finished eating nearly all of it (impressive, right?!) we went upstairs for a well deserved nap!

[/CN]

Got my fave jumper back!

We'd also planned to have a day out in Taunton but I had a sleep attack and spent most of the day in bed struggling to stay conscious. I don't really remember much of that day as even when I'm awake during an attack everything's a bit foggy. I was a bit annoyed because I only have a limited time with Mel and I was wasting it sleeping! Still, I have to admit it was nice to have a day snuggled in bed with her all cosy and warm.

The trip home was a bit of a disaster! My first train was fine but packed with a stag do going through every insulting stereotype ex girlfriend possible. The wait at the station gradullay got longer and longer as my train got more and more delayed. Eventually it arrived and I thought that was the end of it. Oh no, my friends... Turns out the train was late because it was slowly running out of power! We got slower and slower until finally grinding to a halt in the middle of nowhere and being informed we physically couldn't make it to the next station. A 'rescue train' arrived AKA another passenger train which was now receiving some unexpected guests, and I was tragically forced to sit in first class and use the free wifi while eating a free cake with my free diet coke... Awful, just awful. Unfortunately, that part of the journey was the shortest and we eventually pulled into Birmingham. Great. Only three hours to go! I managed to find another train and finally made it to Durham and to get my first glimpse at my new home!

Rocking the sports bra/vest top combo

The following day was just as hectic, a nice early start to get over to Newcastle to get a new tattoo! It took about an hour and I was actually quite surprised when it was over, I was just getting settled into the chair! As usual, Jay did a great job and we had a nice catch up (mostly about games and Harry Potter!) while he worked. It was nice to get this one as I could actually watch him work, unlike my last piece which was literally right behind me!

I had a couple hours at home to fix the telly for mumsie before I was back out, helping Dan with his biz at a wedding. It was great fun but my hands were frozen by the end of it! I stayed at his house that night and slept in my wee cousin's bed as he wasn't there. I quite enjoyed the toddler decor, I may need to invest in some pirate wallpaper!

Anyway, I think I better scoot now. It's been another busy day and I'm not even finished yet! I'm thinking I might do an extra piece in the next few days to make up for the hiatus and then hopefully we'll be back on track by next Wednesday as I still have hundreds of notes about things to tell you about! See you soon!

Xx