Hello all!
This is the first post I'm writing from my laptop. Finally managed to defrag, clean and poke at it enough to get it to some semblance of working order. As such, I am very happy to announce that I no longer have to contend with the dreadful autocorrect on my tablet which likes to capitalise random words, correct short words such as 'it' to things like '85th', and change longer words to peoples' personal details! Makes blogging very stressful when mid-sentence there's every chance you could tell everyone your gran's phone number!
[CN: medication]
It's been a bit of a difficult week in terms of medication side effects. The first few weeks were pure nausea and grogginess, now I have a very keen, sharp sense of FUCKING PAIIIIIIIN. A symptom I had on a different SSRI has resurfaced, giving my nightmares that extra nudge into 'truly horrific'. It was bad enough seeing terrible images and being unable to wake from them, now, when I eventually do manage to crawl out of bed, any pain I experienced in the dream I will also have irl. I mean, obviously it's the other way around and the pain is incorporating itself into my subconscious but it's super creepy dreaming about being bitten by a snake (a lot of the dreams involve needles/bites/pointy poison things) and waking up to find a strange little mark accompanied by burning agony.
The non-spikey pain is centred mostly in my stomach, kind of like period cramps but higher up. It's funny that I didn't really notice it until the last few days. My stomach got very loud immediately - lots of gurgling and sexy noises like that, then it started to hurt a bit occasionally but I never really linked them together and suddenly I'm curled up on the couch in sheer anguish every day. The worst part is there's nothing I can do other than suck it up or go cold turkey because the next meeting with my psychiatrist isn't until just before Christmas.
[/CN]
I did, however, successfully do an exercise this week! I was working out at least 3 times a week and then I had a few days off due to illness and then I was too busy and then I just started to forget and fell out of the habit really quickly. It's a shame because I discovered I quite enjoy exercising when there isn't a homophobic PE teacher screeching at me. I managed to do a little again this week so hopefully I'll be back to some kind of routine before long. I'm not doing it to lose weight; I'm a feeble little creature and I really want to try and look a little more androg/boi-ish when I'm not deliberately dressing femme and I think a little muscle will help. Also, crushing a man's head with my thighs is my desired aesthetic.
In other news, I stuck a couple of things on eBay after my big clear out so if you'd like to send me money please do have a look in case there's anything you want. I will probably be adding more items in the next few weeks. I mean, send me money even if there isn't anything you want tbh.
[CN: food]
Managed to have a shuffle around Morrisons with mum on Sunday despite the pain. We went to a store a little further afield than usual and, honestly, it was like going to a different country. There was so much more choice! We filled the trolley and ended up spending almost double what we normally do on a weekly shop because we were so excited. The fridge has never looked so good. We had a nice little Sunday lunch there too, I got a couple of slices of beef with mine and mum got an entire bloody chicken!
[/CN]
After eating, I dragged mum over to the pet shop across the road to look at the little fluffballs. Bit disappointed that in the entire store they only had one rabbit but I managed to catch many Pokémon so it could have been worse! I'm curious if any other players have noticed any difficulty with Pokéstops since the second to last update? I ran all the way down to 10 Pokéballs (from almost 200) because there was a full week of 'try again later' messages whenever I tried to check in anywhere. I still get the message a lot but I've managed a few successful attempts since then. On a positive note, I'm almost up to 100 Pokédex pages completed and today I seemed to be getting double exp! There was probably something explaining that on the latest update but my phone doesn't show the info it just updates... well, after I force restart 400 times, anyway. Ah, technology! I nearly threw it down a drain today after it crashed and restarted itself about ten times while I was trying to restock on Pokéballs. I cannot win with phones, they're always dreadful! I think I may have to give in and spend some actual money on the next one I get.
Had a nice day out in Newcastle today, anyway. Aside from the Pokémon hunting, mum and I went to the Hancock Museum to check out the planetarium. I've been going there since I was a weeny dinosaur-obsessed enby (a weenby?), there's always something new to see and there's something comforting about going back again. Today, I made friends with a snake... always the Slytherin!
There are a few different shows at the planetarium and it's gone all Starbucks - you can get a loyalty card and go see one for free after a few stamps. We saw Infinity Express which was a bit bizarre. It started off like a bad radio drama and then took us on a pretty vague journey which talked more about 'endless curiosity' and 'life's big questions' than any actual information which was a little disappointing. Still, there were a couple things I didn't know which I enjoyed learning about, even if most of what we could see was a knock off Doctor Who opening theme! It was only 25 minutes long though, so I suppose there's only so much they could put in. It was narrated by Laurence Fishburne which was both a blessing and a curse - it sounded great but I spent the whole time going 'who is that?'
[CN: food]
Before heading home, we popped round in to say hi to my mate Lee who I abandoned whilst in London because I'm a terrible friend! We also had a mooch about the Christmas market around Grey's Monument and eyeballed all of the food. I tried my first (and sixth!) churro, got a gorgeous salted pretzel and mum 'convinced me' to buy some chocolate kisses - gingerbread for me, Baileys for her. At which point I nearly had a heart attack when some random woman got a little over excited behind me and groaned 'Baileys...' right in my ear! Funny old day.
I haven't been sleeping too well this week due to massive amounts of agony so I managed to watch a lot of Netflix. I started off on Elfen Lied which, as far as I can tell, is basically Mewtwo Strikes Back with tits. Psychic girl is plugged into a headset thing in a ~secret lab~ until she escapes and blows stuff up with her brain. Naked. She does, however, have some kind of MPD/amnesia so when she's not playing 'who has the biggest spleen?' she's an innocent little girl who needs to be fed and cared for. Naked.
It was pretty sweet in places, once you got past the usual anime trope 'oh no I fell over and now you can see my sexy panties' etc etc and I would have liked to see where they went with the story but I found myself six or seven episodes in and not really invested in any of it. Again an anime favourite, I get very tired of the 'you touched another girl therefore we'll never get married I should just kill myself' girls and the main dude (I've forgotten his name already) was just meh. I may go back to it eventually but I'm in no real hurry.
I exchanged Elfen Lied for Spartacus - I'd seen enough of it before to know that there was absolutely no concentration required, you can simply sit and absorb it. Don't get me wrong, there is some intense plotting and story line but 80% is just slow-mo CG blood spatter á la The Matrix so if you're not in the mood to focus on anything it's pretty perfect. Though before you take this as advice and stick it on as background, I should point out that there are a lot of triggers too so be wary!
The show is completely ridiculous and over the top; the only thing that breaks up the ultra violence is the gratuitous sex and while neither of those things hold a particular interest to me, I do find Spartacus strangely entertaining. It seems that for every plus point, there is something utterly nonsensical to counteract it. I really enjoy the way they use language in the script, the words that they don't use and the way they phrase things really gives an impression of another time, however the accents are atrocious! I was very happy to first watch the show because I've always been a big fan of Lucy Lawless and John Hannah but some of the other actors are as expressionless as their loincloths. Some of the twists and battle sequences are really elegant and well thought out, unfortunately the terrible CG kind of ruins the effect. And on it goes.
*Spoilers* My main contention though, is Naevia. Naevia starts off as a sweet little slave girl who is punished for falling in love with Crixus and sent off to the mines to die. While busy in the mines, she undergoes a complete transformation due to being recast, and ends up having a full personality transplant to go with it. Obviously, I don't mind a character changing over time because... well, that's how people work, my issue is more how it all happens. First of all, I am utterly sick and tired of shows raping female characters because they can't think of another way for them to develop. Believe it or not, women have the capacity to learn and grow without being sexually assaulted. They can... want to change. I know, I know... it's a bit of a surprise. Take a moment to let that sink in.
On top of this, they actually had an episode or two where Crixus thought she was dead and so wrote a whole subplot for him as he changed and reacted to it. My question is simple: why didn't she stay dead? If you have a different actor and a different character, what on earth is the point of squeezing that entirely new person into the old mould? Crixus had already accepted her death, why couldn't he simply move on and fall in love with a new warrior woman over time? I see absolutely no benefit to stapling the name Naevia onto the new person's forehead, in fact I genuinely think it would have been easier to just write her as a new character. It made about as much sense as Dexter's Deb having a random week as a junkie, never to be referenced again.
I also found it super weird that, upon becoming a slave, Laeta immediately falls in love with the guy who stabbed her husband in the face two days earlier. And Gannicus dumps the girls who totally gets him, whom he shares a healthy and loving relationship with, for some random girl who hardly even speaks to him. Anyhoo, that's enough of that, I think. Onto better things!
Before going to bed last night, I accidentally watched an entire show called River. I've been rather off the pulse with film and tv of late so I'd never even heard of it but upon seeing a photo of Stellan Skarsgård and Nicola Walker I decided to give it a go. I'm so glad I did. As well as two fantastic leads, the show also features my faves Lesley Manville and Eddie Marsan (and also possibly my mate Alex??). The star of the show, however, is the script. Such beautiful, real dialogue for the actors to sink their teeth into. I love it when I watch a show and there's a thousand little moments where characterisation and being human take precedent over pushing the plot forward. The direction and acting was absolutely beautiful - all the ups and downs of real human speech, pauses and sighs and every nuance you find in actual conversation.
One of my favourite aspects of the series was the very refreshing take on mental illness; real and honest reactions to someone different without the story demonising River for suffering from it. It was almost worth sitting through a million 'he's schizophrenic therefore he's a murderer' movies to finally land on this little gem.
River is a lonely and withdrawn man who finds interactions with real people next to impossible. There's real joy in the conversations with dead people (aha Buffy reference) and there's never any sense of him being a danger to anyone because of it. Walker plays his partner and bff Stevie who is everything he's not; easygoing, silly and full of life. They're polar opposites but never antagonise each other. Like a zip they fit together and create something incredibly strong.
Unfortunately, Stevie is dead. And that's where you find the strongest emotional theme of the show. There is such a deep sense of sorrow within River, it didn't really help with my own mood because it was so believable that I fell into the funk of depression and loneliness right alongside him but there was something so tender about the way it was portrayed that it was completely worth taking that journey with him. For every ounce of pain and sadness, there was love. I cannot compliment River enough on it's sheer humanness. That's what made it so easy for me to sit through every episode in one sitting. In short, I absolutely adored it. Everyone needs a Stevie.
I also watched Secret Life of Pets with mum but I think most of you have probably reached your limit on listening to me spout about films/tv so suffice to say that it's enjoyable in a Toy Story butnotasgood + youtube cat videos butnotasgood sort of way. I'm also technically watching the latest Die Hard right now but I haven't paid one jot of attention to it. Didn't watch anything with Mel or Lily this week due to The Pains.
And that's all for now, see you next week!
Xx
23 Nov 2016
16 Nov 2016
16.11.16
Hello all!
[TW: depression, drugs]
Well, it's been a bloody frustrating day, to say the least! Met my replacement care coordinator today, who finally explained to me exactly what the hell a care coordinator is. She seemed nice enough and threw a few ideas around, but at this point I've been passed around so many different people (lots of whom promise to see me again, then never do) that I'm highly sceptical that anything will ever get done. Still, she's already doing better than the last one who went to the wrong house and then blamed me for not being there! It was only when she said she could hear the dog barking and we told her that we didn't have a dog that she finally admitted she might be the one in the wrong. When she eventually made it to our house a fortnight later, our conversation led to a complete breakdown. She then told me 'not to get so upset' and that I 'seem down.' It's almost like she was assigned to see me because I'm depressed or something?!
Today's incredibly brief meeting with CC 2.0 was alright overall, though marred slightly by the fact we got a snarky letter from the NHS blaming me for the poor care I've received thus far. And when I say 'we' got a letter, I mean they told tales on us to our local MP who then forwarded the letter to us! Heaven forbid anyone get in touch with me directly...
All ranting aside, it's not the actual problems I really take issue with, it's the fact that for all the 'how is your mood?' and 'how does that make you feel?' No one ever actually listens to me. Perhaps if they did I wouldn't still be in exactly the same position I was over ten years ago!
Possibly the worst part is that I've now told my GP and the CC about the difficulty I've been having with my meds and the delightful effects they've been having on my nightmares. Both times I was told that we'd discuss it with my psych doctor, which is protocol, so I understand why they said it but it means I have to wait five more weeks before anything gets done. I don't know whether to stick to the meds and suffer, or stop taking them and suffer anyway.
Aaaaaaaand *deep breath*
[/TW]
On a much sillier note, I made a little lesbian family on The Sims of me and Mel with a teeny tiny doge that we named Juniper (I didn't think of Junipupper until I'd saved their names, missed opportunity!). I don't think she's yet realised I'm continuing my trend of naming pets after Pokèmon characters... don't tell her!
This week Mel and I also started to watch Tokyo Ghoul which I speak very highly of but have only rated three stars on Netflix. This seems to suggest I warmed to the idea of torturing and eating people over time. I was a bit of a late bloomer as an anime fan; it always seemed like something I should like but, aside from Pokèmon, I never really watched any until the last couple of years. I've already made Mel sit through a few more light hearted shows, but as an avid horror fan, I thought she'd like this one. Very romantic date night viewing!
I also watched some Doctor Who with Lily. I'm not the biggest fan of the show but I liked watching it with her. We met many moons ago on tumblr through our mutual interest in theatre and various British shows. With the cast that Doctor Who has it's basically the epitome of both topics combined so it feels kind of special to share it with her, a little reminder of where we started. We watched some Eccleston, Tennant, and Smith, veering towards the light hearted episodes due to me having a massive sulk on. Arthur Weasley on a triceratops definitely helped.
[CN: food]
I've been ridiculously efficient this year and finished my Christmas shopping on Thursday. Even got it all wrapped and posted! I usually have Lily's ready at about this time because of how long it takes to get to her but normally you'd be lucky if I've even started on anyone else's by Christmas Eve! I just seem to have been lucky with finds this year. As a reward, mum and I also bought a very healthy evening snack of jam doughnuts, salted caramel muffins, black forest cookies and chocolate chip brioche! Divine.
We also bought some Children in Need popcorn today which was disgusting but we couldn't stop eating it. It honestly took us about three minutes to scoff the whole packet and neither of us liked it at all!
Michelle stopped by on Monday and brought choccies and cookies as well, so it's been a really healthy week!
[/CN]
This week, I fiiiiinally finished Dexter and I'm sure you've all been dying to know what my final thoughts are. Let me sum it up with this tweet. I can't even be angry at the ending it was just... bland. They killed off half the cast and had a huge storm not dissimilar to the ending of the Life is Strange game and yet I was completely unmoved. It just made very little sense to me, there didn't seem to be any point to it other than to be as dramatic as possible in the most shallow way. Very disappointing. I really wish I had more to say on the subject but it really got to be an effort to watch it towards the end. I've always had a bit of a problem with the first episode of the season where they add in the clunkiest 'oh hello Dexter it has been seven months since I saw you and these people got married and I was at this funeral, isn't life funny?' dialogue. Subtle. It felt like a lot of the plot points of the final season had been shoehorned in just to wrap things up, which possibly isn't entirely the writer's fault if they had initially planned for more seasons. It's a shame that a show with so much potential ended so averagely. I would certainly recommend watching the first four seasons, perhaps even the first six at a push but the last two didn't add anything to the show for me.
On Sunday, mum took me up to Jesmond Dene for a walk. There is a footpath around the water that's six or seven miles long but we only walked about 2 or 3 due to sudden rainyness. It's a strange little walk, you're sort of below street level in the middle of town and yet surrounded by forest and completely isolated. There were lots of tunnels and offshoots from the pathway, it looks like it would take a long time time to explore the whole area even though it's so narrow. A magical hidden wilderness under the city. We also found an abandoned mill down there which was fun to explore!
Taking shelter from the rain, we somehow ended up in the Metrocentre (mum and the one way system in Newcastle are like two magnetic poles constantly repelling each other) where I met up with Blayn. I first met Blayn on ~the interwebs~ a couple of weeks ago during my very brief stint on Tinder and we got on straight away. I felt totally at ease the second I met him, an effect I think he has on everyone with his friendly nature. Neither of us are particularly coffee people but we both felt the calling that day. I got a hazelnut latte which I've never had before, very yummy! We seem to have a lot in common and we talked about so many things; our respective relationships, politics, anime, British VS American culture (he is from Oklahoma), gender and queerness... Conversation flowed so easily between us, I almost feel like it's a shame we got on so well because I know he's moving back to the USA before long. Still, I love my online friends and I'm sure he'll be one of them when he does go home.
After a lovely day, I arrived home and drank a beer the size of my face. Lovely. I don't have any plans set in stone for this week so we'll see what I have to write about this time next week. See you later!
Xx
[TW: depression, drugs]
Well, it's been a bloody frustrating day, to say the least! Met my replacement care coordinator today, who finally explained to me exactly what the hell a care coordinator is. She seemed nice enough and threw a few ideas around, but at this point I've been passed around so many different people (lots of whom promise to see me again, then never do) that I'm highly sceptical that anything will ever get done. Still, she's already doing better than the last one who went to the wrong house and then blamed me for not being there! It was only when she said she could hear the dog barking and we told her that we didn't have a dog that she finally admitted she might be the one in the wrong. When she eventually made it to our house a fortnight later, our conversation led to a complete breakdown. She then told me 'not to get so upset' and that I 'seem down.' It's almost like she was assigned to see me because I'm depressed or something?!
Today's incredibly brief meeting with CC 2.0 was alright overall, though marred slightly by the fact we got a snarky letter from the NHS blaming me for the poor care I've received thus far. And when I say 'we' got a letter, I mean they told tales on us to our local MP who then forwarded the letter to us! Heaven forbid anyone get in touch with me directly...
All ranting aside, it's not the actual problems I really take issue with, it's the fact that for all the 'how is your mood?' and 'how does that make you feel?' No one ever actually listens to me. Perhaps if they did I wouldn't still be in exactly the same position I was over ten years ago!
Possibly the worst part is that I've now told my GP and the CC about the difficulty I've been having with my meds and the delightful effects they've been having on my nightmares. Both times I was told that we'd discuss it with my psych doctor, which is protocol, so I understand why they said it but it means I have to wait five more weeks before anything gets done. I don't know whether to stick to the meds and suffer, or stop taking them and suffer anyway.
Aaaaaaaand *deep breath*
[/TW]
On a much sillier note, I made a little lesbian family on The Sims of me and Mel with a teeny tiny doge that we named Juniper (I didn't think of Junipupper until I'd saved their names, missed opportunity!). I don't think she's yet realised I'm continuing my trend of naming pets after Pokèmon characters... don't tell her!
This week Mel and I also started to watch Tokyo Ghoul which I speak very highly of but have only rated three stars on Netflix. This seems to suggest I warmed to the idea of torturing and eating people over time. I was a bit of a late bloomer as an anime fan; it always seemed like something I should like but, aside from Pokèmon, I never really watched any until the last couple of years. I've already made Mel sit through a few more light hearted shows, but as an avid horror fan, I thought she'd like this one. Very romantic date night viewing!
I also watched some Doctor Who with Lily. I'm not the biggest fan of the show but I liked watching it with her. We met many moons ago on tumblr through our mutual interest in theatre and various British shows. With the cast that Doctor Who has it's basically the epitome of both topics combined so it feels kind of special to share it with her, a little reminder of where we started. We watched some Eccleston, Tennant, and Smith, veering towards the light hearted episodes due to me having a massive sulk on. Arthur Weasley on a triceratops definitely helped.
[CN: food]
I've been ridiculously efficient this year and finished my Christmas shopping on Thursday. Even got it all wrapped and posted! I usually have Lily's ready at about this time because of how long it takes to get to her but normally you'd be lucky if I've even started on anyone else's by Christmas Eve! I just seem to have been lucky with finds this year. As a reward, mum and I also bought a very healthy evening snack of jam doughnuts, salted caramel muffins, black forest cookies and chocolate chip brioche! Divine.
We also bought some Children in Need popcorn today which was disgusting but we couldn't stop eating it. It honestly took us about three minutes to scoff the whole packet and neither of us liked it at all!
Michelle stopped by on Monday and brought choccies and cookies as well, so it's been a really healthy week!
[/CN]
This week, I fiiiiinally finished Dexter and I'm sure you've all been dying to know what my final thoughts are. Let me sum it up with this tweet. I can't even be angry at the ending it was just... bland. They killed off half the cast and had a huge storm not dissimilar to the ending of the Life is Strange game and yet I was completely unmoved. It just made very little sense to me, there didn't seem to be any point to it other than to be as dramatic as possible in the most shallow way. Very disappointing. I really wish I had more to say on the subject but it really got to be an effort to watch it towards the end. I've always had a bit of a problem with the first episode of the season where they add in the clunkiest 'oh hello Dexter it has been seven months since I saw you and these people got married and I was at this funeral, isn't life funny?' dialogue. Subtle. It felt like a lot of the plot points of the final season had been shoehorned in just to wrap things up, which possibly isn't entirely the writer's fault if they had initially planned for more seasons. It's a shame that a show with so much potential ended so averagely. I would certainly recommend watching the first four seasons, perhaps even the first six at a push but the last two didn't add anything to the show for me.
On Sunday, mum took me up to Jesmond Dene for a walk. There is a footpath around the water that's six or seven miles long but we only walked about 2 or 3 due to sudden rainyness. It's a strange little walk, you're sort of below street level in the middle of town and yet surrounded by forest and completely isolated. There were lots of tunnels and offshoots from the pathway, it looks like it would take a long time time to explore the whole area even though it's so narrow. A magical hidden wilderness under the city. We also found an abandoned mill down there which was fun to explore!
Taking shelter from the rain, we somehow ended up in the Metrocentre (mum and the one way system in Newcastle are like two magnetic poles constantly repelling each other) where I met up with Blayn. I first met Blayn on ~the interwebs~ a couple of weeks ago during my very brief stint on Tinder and we got on straight away. I felt totally at ease the second I met him, an effect I think he has on everyone with his friendly nature. Neither of us are particularly coffee people but we both felt the calling that day. I got a hazelnut latte which I've never had before, very yummy! We seem to have a lot in common and we talked about so many things; our respective relationships, politics, anime, British VS American culture (he is from Oklahoma), gender and queerness... Conversation flowed so easily between us, I almost feel like it's a shame we got on so well because I know he's moving back to the USA before long. Still, I love my online friends and I'm sure he'll be one of them when he does go home.
After a lovely day, I arrived home and drank a beer the size of my face. Lovely. I don't have any plans set in stone for this week so we'll see what I have to write about this time next week. See you later!
Xx
9 Nov 2016
09.11.16
Hello all!
It's been a bit of a difficult week, if I'm honest. I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd planned, partly due to cancellations but mostly down to nightmares and depression completely kicking my ass. It's frustrating, let me tell you. I go to sleep thinking about nice things and my brain goes 'well, that's not happening.' I go to sleep thinking about bad things and my brain goes 'well, you deserve this one.' Feeling like your own brain is out to get you isn't easy to deal with.
As I mentioned in a previous post, it's really difficult for me to get up after a nightmare. It's hard to explain and it makes me sound totally lazy but on an average day it can take me around 3 hours to gear myself up to be able to do anything. On a bad day, however... The best way I can describe it is like this: to perform like a normal human you have to be at a 10. Sleep gets you to... maybe a 7 and then you brush your teeth, you have a coffee, you do what you need to do to pick the numbers up. Depression doesn't let you wake up at 7, it knocks you down to a 3, add the nightmares on top of that some days I'm starting at a flat 0. It takes a whole day for me to claw myself up to that 10 and when I look at the time it's 11pm and the day is over. That's part of the reason my sleep pattern is so messed up, I'm scared to go to sleep and throw away all that hard work knowing that I'll have to start all over again the next day. Add to that the narcolepsy, the inability to wake up without help, the immunodeficiency... sleep is tiring work.
So basically what I'm trying to say is that I spent Thursday and Friday in bed feeling like a waste of mattress space. Good times. At least Shinx was there for me!
I also spent most of Tuesday and today in bed but that was down to waking up with the flu and being in lots of pain. Feeling slightly less guilty about that one. I also had a weird illness-induced dream where I was a mix of Gladiator and Dexter-esquire homicide detective stuck in that house from The Collection. Fun!
On a happier note, it's Trans Awareness Month and you can get this loverly filter for your profile pic on Facebook.
Going back to my week; on Friday I did manage to peel myself away from my duvet eventually because I knew we had a guest coming over. It was so difficult, I could hear myself being a spiky little dickhead to both Michelle (the guest, obviously) and mum and I felt terrible about it but everything I said was just coming out of my mouth with an unpleasant inflection. Tea and pleasant company helped and I think I managed to make myself more amiable by the end of the evening. Oh, there were also cookies... that probably eased my mood somewhat too! Without going into too much detail, because it's not really my business to talk about, Michelle needed a bit of assistance with something and my somewhat extensive (though not nearly as big as it will be in time... ladies) vocabulary hopefully aided the situation. She also turned up with her laundry like a lazy university student! Though, she has been doing her childrens' washing for the past 20+ years, so I guess she earned this one...
On Saturday mum and me went to the Metrocentre to make a start on the dreaded C-word shopping. As far as I'm concerned, the topic should be strictly off limits until December but with presents to send to Lily in America, I have to put a bit of a rush on things.
[CN: food]
I had a delightful Brazilian (made you look! It's a smoothie, you perverts) and introduced mum to the word of the burrito. Mum had chicken and I had steak, much yum though a little too spicy for mum's pathetically feeble taste buds! We also got donuts because... well, you don't need an excuse for donuts.
[\CN]
Mum and I are both terrible shoppers - I want to go to bed as soon as I even see a shop and mum has such specific ideas about what she wants she rarely ever finds it. By some miracle, we actually had a pretty successful outing this time and aside from a few prezzies, I got me some new headphones and a hat! I got something for Lily and Mel, as well as my little sisters. Just a few more and I'm all done!
Saturday was Bonfire Night/Guy Fawkes Night for those not in the know. We celebrate that time a dude tried to blow shit up by going all Wicker Man on a scarecrow and setting off a ton of fireworks. Violent and pretty, what's not to enjoy? The whole trip home was illuminated with fireworks on all sides, I felt like everyone was cheering us on for not committing murder in the red mall. I've always loved Bonfire Night, standing shoulder to shoulder with 500 strangers in the freezing cold surrounded by the smell of cheap hot dogs is so much more fun than it sounds! Besides, who doesn't love drawing love hearts in the air with flaming sticks of death?
On Sunday we received summons from nana due to technical difficulties. I'm always happy of help, of course, but they have far too much faith in my very limited knowledge of technology! Luckily, it was as simple as a virus sweep this time but I'm not looking forward to the day I have to explain that I can't fix it! Payment came in the former of a delightful Sunday dinner. When I was little I genuinely thought nana and Peter (her husband) were chefs because so gooooooood. After being fed and watered (well, beered), Peter showed us his new toy which he bought for my cousin who is currently obsessed with stars. The garden of nana's house backs onto a sprinkling of trees and Peter's new laser light illuminates them all with thousands of little white sparkles. It's actually become a bit of a local attraction with people trying to work out what the lights are - glowworms are a popular theory - and where they came from - aliens are also a common mention. I did try to take a photo but it failed spectacularly. Still, very fun to watch and easy enough to Google if you're curious.
It's been a bit of a week for weather, we had to take a huge detour on the way home due to the rain flooding the roads, and today we have snow! I have a theory that the election has sparked the beginning of an apocalypse scenario à la The Road. That's all I have to say on the subject, everyone else has already said it far better than I ever could and all that's left for me to add is that I'm so sorry and please stay safe.
I've started a weekly movie night with Mel and Lily, well movie nights since it's two days, and we've had pretty much every problem imaginable from crashing computers to Netflix choosing that day to take something down but this week I managed to watch Tank Girl and I Love You Philip Morris. Both films I've seen before but I was surprised how differently I received the latter this time around. Hashtag maturity. I wonder what we'll watch next time!
The reason I kept that so brief is that I'm also still ploughing my way through Dexter and I feel a bit of a review coming on. I'm nearly finished season 6 and I was surprised to discover that season 5 had been completely erased from my memory. I'd love forgotten about the walling disaster that is Joey Quinn. What an absolute wander. I think we're supposed to like him at times but what an entitled little bitch. He calls Christine his girlfriend to get sex then ignores her the rest of the time, he all but stalks Deb to get her to be with him when she makes it clear she's not interested and then when she finally does date him he asks her to marry him and throws a tantrum when she doesn't obediently say yes! He even uses the fantastically original 'you're not like other girls' line on her and does his best of guilt her into being with him. Nope.
[TW: rape]
But what I really want to talk about is Lumen, played by the wonderfully talented Julia Stiles. If you haven't seen it, suffice it to say that season 5 is brutal. It is also one of the most respectful and tasteful portrayals of rape I have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, the screams of horror and agony are harrowing and will stay with you. However, this is one of two pieces of media I can think of (the other being the incredible American Mary) where there is no sexualisation of the attack. I can't tell you how sickened I am by movies where we're meant to enjoy those scenes because breasts, or where it's used to teach a bitch to be nicer, or - and I'm looking at you here, Ryan Murphy - 'hmm I want extra shock value that doesn't add a single iota of value to the story as a whole... let's stick in some rape.' The latter especially makes me so angry.
Dexter doesn't shy away from the subject matter, or the subsequent suffering of Lumen as a survivor, but we barely see any of the actual attack taking place. There are glimpses but even those are brief and don't rely on any of the ploys I mentioned before. It's incredibly uncomfortable and nausea-inducing to watch but for the right reasons. You feel for Lumen, you empathise with the fear, the helplessness, the pain. And let's be honest, murdering and chopping up the people who assaulted you? Incredibly satisfying. It's not perfect, by any means, but it's rare example of how such a difficult topic can, and should, be handled.
[/TW]
I'm other entirely sure what my plans are for next week but it will include MasterChef if mum has anything to do with it!
Xx
It's been a bit of a difficult week, if I'm honest. I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd planned, partly due to cancellations but mostly down to nightmares and depression completely kicking my ass. It's frustrating, let me tell you. I go to sleep thinking about nice things and my brain goes 'well, that's not happening.' I go to sleep thinking about bad things and my brain goes 'well, you deserve this one.' Feeling like your own brain is out to get you isn't easy to deal with.
As I mentioned in a previous post, it's really difficult for me to get up after a nightmare. It's hard to explain and it makes me sound totally lazy but on an average day it can take me around 3 hours to gear myself up to be able to do anything. On a bad day, however... The best way I can describe it is like this: to perform like a normal human you have to be at a 10. Sleep gets you to... maybe a 7 and then you brush your teeth, you have a coffee, you do what you need to do to pick the numbers up. Depression doesn't let you wake up at 7, it knocks you down to a 3, add the nightmares on top of that some days I'm starting at a flat 0. It takes a whole day for me to claw myself up to that 10 and when I look at the time it's 11pm and the day is over. That's part of the reason my sleep pattern is so messed up, I'm scared to go to sleep and throw away all that hard work knowing that I'll have to start all over again the next day. Add to that the narcolepsy, the inability to wake up without help, the immunodeficiency... sleep is tiring work.
So basically what I'm trying to say is that I spent Thursday and Friday in bed feeling like a waste of mattress space. Good times. At least Shinx was there for me!
I also spent most of Tuesday and today in bed but that was down to waking up with the flu and being in lots of pain. Feeling slightly less guilty about that one. I also had a weird illness-induced dream where I was a mix of Gladiator and Dexter-esquire homicide detective stuck in that house from The Collection. Fun!
On a happier note, it's Trans Awareness Month and you can get this loverly filter for your profile pic on Facebook.
Going back to my week; on Friday I did manage to peel myself away from my duvet eventually because I knew we had a guest coming over. It was so difficult, I could hear myself being a spiky little dickhead to both Michelle (the guest, obviously) and mum and I felt terrible about it but everything I said was just coming out of my mouth with an unpleasant inflection. Tea and pleasant company helped and I think I managed to make myself more amiable by the end of the evening. Oh, there were also cookies... that probably eased my mood somewhat too! Without going into too much detail, because it's not really my business to talk about, Michelle needed a bit of assistance with something and my somewhat extensive (though not nearly as big as it will be in time... ladies) vocabulary hopefully aided the situation. She also turned up with her laundry like a lazy university student! Though, she has been doing her childrens' washing for the past 20+ years, so I guess she earned this one...
On Saturday mum and me went to the Metrocentre to make a start on the dreaded C-word shopping. As far as I'm concerned, the topic should be strictly off limits until December but with presents to send to Lily in America, I have to put a bit of a rush on things.
[CN: food]
I had a delightful Brazilian (made you look! It's a smoothie, you perverts) and introduced mum to the word of the burrito. Mum had chicken and I had steak, much yum though a little too spicy for mum's pathetically feeble taste buds! We also got donuts because... well, you don't need an excuse for donuts.
[\CN]
Mum and I are both terrible shoppers - I want to go to bed as soon as I even see a shop and mum has such specific ideas about what she wants she rarely ever finds it. By some miracle, we actually had a pretty successful outing this time and aside from a few prezzies, I got me some new headphones and a hat! I got something for Lily and Mel, as well as my little sisters. Just a few more and I'm all done!
Saturday was Bonfire Night/Guy Fawkes Night for those not in the know. We celebrate that time a dude tried to blow shit up by going all Wicker Man on a scarecrow and setting off a ton of fireworks. Violent and pretty, what's not to enjoy? The whole trip home was illuminated with fireworks on all sides, I felt like everyone was cheering us on for not committing murder in the red mall. I've always loved Bonfire Night, standing shoulder to shoulder with 500 strangers in the freezing cold surrounded by the smell of cheap hot dogs is so much more fun than it sounds! Besides, who doesn't love drawing love hearts in the air with flaming sticks of death?
On Sunday we received summons from nana due to technical difficulties. I'm always happy of help, of course, but they have far too much faith in my very limited knowledge of technology! Luckily, it was as simple as a virus sweep this time but I'm not looking forward to the day I have to explain that I can't fix it! Payment came in the former of a delightful Sunday dinner. When I was little I genuinely thought nana and Peter (her husband) were chefs because so gooooooood. After being fed and watered (well, beered), Peter showed us his new toy which he bought for my cousin who is currently obsessed with stars. The garden of nana's house backs onto a sprinkling of trees and Peter's new laser light illuminates them all with thousands of little white sparkles. It's actually become a bit of a local attraction with people trying to work out what the lights are - glowworms are a popular theory - and where they came from - aliens are also a common mention. I did try to take a photo but it failed spectacularly. Still, very fun to watch and easy enough to Google if you're curious.
It's been a bit of a week for weather, we had to take a huge detour on the way home due to the rain flooding the roads, and today we have snow! I have a theory that the election has sparked the beginning of an apocalypse scenario à la The Road. That's all I have to say on the subject, everyone else has already said it far better than I ever could and all that's left for me to add is that I'm so sorry and please stay safe.
I've started a weekly movie night with Mel and Lily, well movie nights since it's two days, and we've had pretty much every problem imaginable from crashing computers to Netflix choosing that day to take something down but this week I managed to watch Tank Girl and I Love You Philip Morris. Both films I've seen before but I was surprised how differently I received the latter this time around. Hashtag maturity. I wonder what we'll watch next time!
The reason I kept that so brief is that I'm also still ploughing my way through Dexter and I feel a bit of a review coming on. I'm nearly finished season 6 and I was surprised to discover that season 5 had been completely erased from my memory. I'd love forgotten about the walling disaster that is Joey Quinn. What an absolute wander. I think we're supposed to like him at times but what an entitled little bitch. He calls Christine his girlfriend to get sex then ignores her the rest of the time, he all but stalks Deb to get her to be with him when she makes it clear she's not interested and then when she finally does date him he asks her to marry him and throws a tantrum when she doesn't obediently say yes! He even uses the fantastically original 'you're not like other girls' line on her and does his best of guilt her into being with him. Nope.
[TW: rape]
But what I really want to talk about is Lumen, played by the wonderfully talented Julia Stiles. If you haven't seen it, suffice it to say that season 5 is brutal. It is also one of the most respectful and tasteful portrayals of rape I have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, the screams of horror and agony are harrowing and will stay with you. However, this is one of two pieces of media I can think of (the other being the incredible American Mary) where there is no sexualisation of the attack. I can't tell you how sickened I am by movies where we're meant to enjoy those scenes because breasts, or where it's used to teach a bitch to be nicer, or - and I'm looking at you here, Ryan Murphy - 'hmm I want extra shock value that doesn't add a single iota of value to the story as a whole... let's stick in some rape.' The latter especially makes me so angry.
Dexter doesn't shy away from the subject matter, or the subsequent suffering of Lumen as a survivor, but we barely see any of the actual attack taking place. There are glimpses but even those are brief and don't rely on any of the ploys I mentioned before. It's incredibly uncomfortable and nausea-inducing to watch but for the right reasons. You feel for Lumen, you empathise with the fear, the helplessness, the pain. And let's be honest, murdering and chopping up the people who assaulted you? Incredibly satisfying. It's not perfect, by any means, but it's rare example of how such a difficult topic can, and should, be handled.
[/TW]
I'm other entirely sure what my plans are for next week but it will include MasterChef if mum has anything to do with it!
Xx
2 Nov 2016
02.11.16
The uppy-downyness has increased dramatically this week, let me tell you. It's been... eventful.
On Thursday, I had a quick haircut before mum and me went to Durham to see the Open Treasure exhibition at the cathedral. There was a huge collection of stone work from around the area and some amazing pieces of jewellery and crockery. I was a little disappointed by how many replicas there were instead of originals but I suppose for people who don't have an active interest in history, or aren't related to my mother, it would have been more informative. We had yet another encounter with the middle class brigade when we accidentally headed from the exhibition towards the library and we're practically handcuffed because (insert shrill voice here) 'you have to be library members!' I half expected her to test our reading comprehension when we told her we were, in fact, members. It really angers me that everyone is so presumptuous because it upsets mum so much. She does all of this research around a full time job and every single person we encounter looks down their nose at her - once even literally!
By coincidence, some friends of ours were in town also so after a mooch about the exhibition (during which someone told me that some of Harry Potter was filmed there, to which is was so tempted to reply 'do you know who I am?') we enter and met them for a pint at Wetherspoons. It was nice to catch up with them, I've known Scott since he was a lump in Michelle's tummy and Michelle has known me since I was barely old enough to go to school. I think it meant a lot to my mum to see her outside of work - they've been colleagues for several years now but Michelle has left. I think it served as a reminder that they were friends before they were colleagues and that this wasn't goodbye. Although saying that, mum spent all of Monday popping into the office and being reminded that her friend wasn't behind the desk anymore.
Most importantly, I caught about 4,000 Pokèmon with the special Hallowe'en event that's been going on. Mum has started using alternate routes when we go anywhere because she likes me to tell her where all the Pokèstops are. Unfortunately she can't get Pokèmon Go on her phone so she must live vicariously through me.
Back when the show was still airing, I was a pretty keen viewer of Dexter. I lost interest in the hiatus between seasons 6 and 7 and never went back. For whatever reason, I decided to give it another go and since Thursday I've made it to about halfway through seasons 3. I'm kind of glad I left it as long as I did because, while I remember the broad strokes, most is still a mystery once again so I get to enjoy the writing like it's the first time again. There have been a couple of 'oh snap!' moments and a lot more 'oh I forgot about you!' It's interesting that since being diagnosed with depersonalisation disorder, I frequently hear echoes of it in his internal monologues. I have never thought of Dexter as a psychopath because he does seem to have a lot of emotions, deep as they may be buried. I think perhaps I remembered enough to kind of be drawn back to it because - aside from the chopping up people and chucking them in the sea - I do see a lot of similarities between us.
On Friday, we popped further into the wilderness to see my nana and have a catch up. Whenever we go up there's always some weird and wonderful additions and edits being made to the house. This time around the living room had been recarpeted and now reeks of sheep because the wool wasn't conditioned properly.
[TW: Mental health, abuse]
And then, disaster struck. Due to... well, I don't even know what, but from Friday night and through most of Saturday I was crying uncontrollably. My mum and my friends were all there for me through the whole thing but I was just inconsolable.
Because of what happened with S, and the endless nightmares, sometimes I get scared that I am just like them. Because we were friends for so long, starting at such a young age they made up so much of my identity. Sometimes we'd end up dressed the same and it wasn't even on purpose! At the time I saw them as a friend but looking back on it the abuse is so blatant I'm almost ashamed I wasn't smarter. But at the time I was also dealing with St, B and A, not to mention a paedophile grooming me online, that I never thought to look a little closer to home to see who might be hurting me most. So actually introduced me to St, B and the paedophile. I honestly don't know if it was a deliberate action on their part.
Anyway, back to my original point, sometimes the fear of being someone else's S overwhelms me sometimes and I just become completely locked in my head and unreachable. I'm so sorry to the people who have witnessed me in that state. I don't know if that's entirely what happened but it certainly accounts for some of it. The rest I'm just going to challenge up to general depression shenanigans.
[/TW]
Originally, mum and I had planned to go to Newcastle early so we could get some research done before I headed over to Ant's house. That plan was quickly drowned in my tears but I somehow managed to pull myself out of my own head enough to get to Ant's in the evening. I took a few DVDs with me for a Hallowe'en themed movie night but those plans were also scuppered when we spent half the night watching daft shit on youtube before switching to Psychoville which Ant hadn't seen. A lot of beer, whisky, funny videos and copious amounts of selfies later, we finally at least watched Pan's Labyrinth which is one of my favourite films.
Somewhere in the middle of all of this I managed to trick two incredibly lovely people to go out with me. This is the first poly relationship for any of us, and while I'm over the moon with how lucky I am to have them, I probably won't be talking much about it on here. The reason for this is that this blog is boutique me, and while hey are both a huge part of my life, it's not my place to shout their personal lives out into the interwebs.
I never manage to sleep after I've had a drink so I was up bright and early for a cuppa, a sausage sandwich and to introduce Ant to Archer. We also caught up on Bob's Burgers (which is how I found out that he hadn't seen Archer) and he introduced me to a bizarre little show called Brickleberry which I will definitely be watching more of when I'm finished with serial killers.
I've known Ant for a few years now but we've never really spent much time together so I'm really glad I managed to finally stop procrastinating and went to see him! And, like fast acting karma, I was rewarded for my actions with belated birthday gifts!
On the way home on Sunday, mum and I stopped off at ASDA for lunch which ended up being a complete waste of time. According to the woman behind the counter they just don't get food on Sundays so why on earth the café was open is a mystery to me. Rather helpfully, instead of just letting us know what was available she let me order three different meals and told me none were available. I gave up after that because she was getting on my nerves.
On the plus side, heading back home I spotted an empty gym and panic-stricken (because we were in the car) shoved the first Pokèmon I saw into it. My CP 400 Butterfree actually managed to hold down the fort for a good few hours, I was quite surprised. Mum has started theory that nobody wanted a gym in such a crappy location!
Monday (and today) I've mostly been couch-bound with Mystery Stomach Pains™ but I joined Letterboxd and started a pre-emptive strike on the spring cleaning. I've made a good start but I always get really anal about these things and end up reorganising absolutely everything so I've still got a few days work to go. And as I'm sure you all know, you always need to spend a whole day looking to all the junk you didn't know you had and can't possibly throw out even though you haven't used it in seven years.
After eating my body weight in popcorn we went to The March Hare for pizza! We need up getting a free meal because of a slight mix up in the kitchen but it was worth the wait. We had a BBQ and Thai style pizzas respectively, though of course I sampled both! I think we both ate a bit too much but it was so worth it.
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