Hello all!
Yes, I know, it's been a while! I was a little unwell and things started to pile up and then talking about everything just turned into a bit of a warhorse and before I knew it I was at uni and dying of Fresher's Flu and then suddenly it's November and I haven't updated my blog in three months... Bad Hawke! And, of course, I had to sprinkle in a few hospital visits because I don't do things by halves!
So yes, for those of you who didn't know, I'm currently attending St Mary's University in Twickenham to studying Acting and I fucking love it. The hours are long, the work is hard and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've made some great friends already, the lecturers are fantastic and - you might wanna sit down for this - when I go to bed I'm actually... excited for the next day??? I hear that's a thing???
Anyway, what I really want to talk to you about is the show I went to see last night with Mel; Mother Courage and Her Children. There will be minor spoilers ahead but, come on, the play was published in 1939, keep up!
You probably won't be surprised to hear that during the course of my studies we've touched upon Bertolt Brecht and his work, so it was a very happy coincidence to learn that Josie Lawrence, all round lovely lady and magnificent actor, would be taking on the eponymous role.
Situated in Elephant and Castle, the Southwark Playhouse is a delightfully unusual theatre which seemed perfectly suited for a Brechtian production, especially once it had been decked out in canvasses and scaffolding. A mixture of actors and ushers led us through a labyrinth of metal bars, finally having to walk directly across the stage space - and around an actor fully engrossed in a game of war with his toy soldiers - to get to our seats. Said actor (Shiv Jalota - who, coincidentally, I realised I worked with a few years ago!) was the only one to wear a microphone; his battle sounds blending into beatboxing, seamlessly intermingling with the sounds of war coming from the speakers. I was quite happy to watch his rather charming display as he crawled around the floor, setting up his soldiers for battle before knocking them down, over and over.
Suddenly, the lights went down and we were pulled back in time to the 1600's in the midst of war as two soldiers scrapped, rolling around on the floor for a hat. I'm not sure I can fully give it justice, but I would like to try and emphasise the amount of effort that went into the performance. The passion from every single actor was obvious as they threw themselves into each character, starting with the grappling pair (Celeste de Veazey and Nuno Queimado, respectively) and bursting forth from everything that followed for an electric three hours.
As is to be expected of a Brecht piece, the set was minimal, with just enough props and costume to set the scene. The floor was bare, the walls and wings merely canvass, and yet I saw beaten tracks, I saw snow, I saw crumbling cities as the actors effortlessly danced around each other, a simple piece of cloth turning a general to an old lady, a child to a farmer. And when the cast weren't playing a myriad of characters, they provided beautiful singing and reached for various instruments.
Even if I wasn't in the front row (which was quite literally the border for the floor space in which the actors performed), I would have felt a part of the it all as half of the play was performed on a balcony behind me, actors bustling past, fleeing up and down ladders and generally amazing me with their seemingly inexhaustible spirit in spite of insurmountable odds. I had to sink further into my seat on several occasions, afraid of getting a little too close to the action such was the intimacy of the space!
One thing I particularly enjoyed was an abandonment of gender. If the script says 'boy', you're a boy, it doesn't matter which actor played the part, for that moment that's who they were and that was that. Ivy Corbin gave a particularly satisfying performance as a general who valued his ever expanding gut more than the lives of his soldiers. As someone who firmly believes a role should be given to whoever best fits the part, it was really refreshing to see.
I would also like to tip my hat to Rosalind Ford, playing a very different kind of general, who remained in character guarding the door back to the stage during the entire interval. Never once letting the disciplined soldier leave her eyes or her firm stance so much as twitch, even when I completely misunderstood her and tried to go back inside anyway! She later told me she thought this was hilarious but you'd never have known it to look at her at the time.
Returning for a moment to what I said earlier about the energy and passion, watching Ben Fox as the cook, desperately singing for a mouthful of soup was one of the most intense things I've ever seen. Every inch of his body began to strain from the effort of his bellowing, starvation and cold making him shudder. I felt the life leaving his body as the character fought for just one more meal to keep on surviving. It really was a sight to behold.
In contrast, David Shelley provided a much more calming influence on the other characters as the Chaplain, often providing counsel and advice in exchange for food from Mother Courage. Once the right hand of the general, the Chaplain was a lot more 'civilised' than his new bedfellows, rarely letting raw passion break through his steady demeanour but occasionally he would crack and his voice would roar with fury and joy in equal measure, proud of his ability to capitulate an audience but mourning the loss of who he used to be.
A much needed breath of fresh air came in the form of Yvette (Laura Checkley), a prostitute who had seen more than her years should have allowed but carried herself with a rakish smile and a dirty laugh, strutting around her world-weary companions as though they were simply on a very long holiday. Returning later as the widow of a colonel, Yvette roars at the cook with an unbridled, long-brewing rage that was simply spectacular to behold. Even behind her, I felt as though my shoulders were being forced back into my seat such was the power of her fury.
Mother Courage (Josie Lawrence), her sons Eilif (Jake Phillips Head) and Swiss Cheese (Julian Moore-Cook) and her mute daughter Kattrin (Phoebe Vigor) rolled in on the infamous wagon as an unshakeable family unit; playful and obedient in equal measure. Courage's love and steely determination for her children's survival was tangible, each stroke of a cheek or clip on the ear was given out with a practiced hand - the cogs of her mind turning and turning as she played them all to her best ability, desperate for them to survive despite the warning in her heart which told her they would not.
It was obvious that both Courage and Lawrence knew their children inside out, treating each with a different kind of love to garner the best results, firmer with the feisty Eilif, kinder to the simple but honest Swiss Cheese, saving her true tenderness for her daughter, apparent despite her matter-of-fact words. In this way, as the war preyed on each of her children in turn, we as an audience mourned for them in different ways. We were angry for the mistreated Eilif; once regaled now reviled, we were broken for Swiss Cheese; whose innocent heart only ever meant for the best, and full of bittersweet sadness for Kattrin, who finally found her voice only to lose everything.
Each of her children was played to perfection - stepping into the stereotype of their parts; the solider, the pure, the mute - and breathing life into them. Three hours is a long time for a live performance but were it not for clocks, I would have believed we'd witnessed the entire 30 years of war, time and battle both ageing and lending vitality to those living in it. Mother Courage carried the weight of the word on her shoulders, hidden behind a wry smile, a flippant joke - juggled beautifully by Lawrence's grounded performance, as though her spirit were rooted to the ground like an oak in contrast to her lighter, less worldly children, for whom she had given everything to protect.
Swiss Cheese was full of hope and peace, his mind unplagued by much thought, his smile the smile of an infant. Eilif was full of fire, ready to fight for his pride, eager to prove himself after living under the thumb of Courage for so long. Kattrin was soulful, her wide eyes and broken cries saying all that her speech could not, managing to be playful and fun, determined and scared without ever saying a word.
The chemistry between Vigor and Lawrence was especially incredbile. There was a real love between them, especially as Courage sang one last lullaby to her beloved child, broken body cradled in her arms. The air crackled as the audience watched, utterly enraptured by this tender, still moment amidst all of the blood and war.
As Kattrin, her last surviving child, was taken from her, Courage doubles over in agony - her losses piling too much weight onto her tired shoulders as she is left alone in a bitter and empty world. She reaches helplessly outward for a someone, anyone to share in her burdens, to lighten the load the war has placed on her heart... As a testament to Lawrence's powerful performance, a lady in the audience immediately reached forward and took her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze as Mother Courage left the stage for the final time, the wagon light on produce but laden with regret.
I was lucky enough to have a chat with the cast after the show and what a delightful bunch they were! It was a real pleasure to see them both on and off stage and I wish them all the best with their future projects.
Somehow, tickets are still available for this unforgettable play, I cannot emphasise enough how much I think you should see this! You can purchase tickets here, and have a delicious bite to eat in the bar before the show!
Xx
Featured post
An Introduction
On Friday, I went to London for a short but wonderful trip with my friend Mel where we did many fantastic things. I'll get into that mo...
5 Nov 2017
12 Jul 2017
12.07.17
Hello all,
It's been a fortnight since my last post as this time last week I was at a wedding! Mel's mum got married so I took myself off to Devon to celebrate/visit my girlfriend. We had a nice day out in Taunton where I spent far too much and I played a hecking lot of games. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I might finally be getting somewhere with doctor's etc... We'll see.
Before all that, though, I had to get through my current bugbear - recording more Mass Effect. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love playing the game and making videos for you to watch. What I don't enjoy, however, is when you record 2+ hours of stuff only to find some random thing has inexplicably gone wrong and all your efforts are unsalvageable. Again. In total, I think I've probably lost a good 12 hours of footage due to corruption, faulty tech and temperamental software. Good times!
Anyway, I finally got the damn thing done (by 7am!) and I did enjoy playing it and oh my gosh exciting new things! Since I didn't post last week, you have four videos to check out, you lucky things! Links below, as usual.
[CN: food]
On the 3rd it was my mum's birthday. I'd tried to book an afternoon tea but for whatever reason, the restaurant I got in touch with just never bothered to reply. Mum decided we could do one of those 2 for £10 meal deals at M&S like we did for my birthday last year. I had other ideas. I happened to look up the M&S website to see if I could order food for delivery (I thought it would be a nice surprise to have the food already here instead of having to go out and buy it straight after work) and immediately stumbled on a section labelled Afternoon Tea. Perfect! I chose some canapés, tarts and profiteroles and Becky (mum's sister) donated some money towards the champers; sorted!
I sent mum off to buy a few things from Boots and went to collect my little feast. I think it took mum a few seconds to work out what was going on when I told her I hadn't been able to get the 2 for £10 because 'some awesome person bought all this stuff for afternoon tea.' She's always so surprised when she gets nice things, it's kind of adorable but also breaks my heart a bit that she never expects it!
The rest of the family & I clubbed together to buy her a nice new camera after the old one died a death. And my lovely pal Chloé helped me pick a good one with the specs that'd be best for her.
We had a really nice afternoon filling ourselves with food and alcohol while we watched... Far from the Madding Crowd. Very cheerful! I have no idea why she put that on, but it was still a nice day. Apparently one of our old neighbours helped on set with the sheep, which is why he always styled his facial hair like they do in the film!
[/CN]
The following day, I was up bright and early to get my butt down to Bridgwater ready for the wedding. It was a bit of an odd trip with everything being organised around me Mel was popping up and vanishing every few minutes and I spent a couple of nights in her room without her which was... strange. Thankfully, Gracie was around for me to annoy though! We've always gotten on very well, literally from the moment we met, so it was really nice to spend time with her anyway. I know technically she's 'my girlfriend's friend' but I have never understood that sort of unwritten rule that you can't hang out with Person C without Person B also being there. I love it when my pals become pals!
Sadly, it wasn't all sunshine and roses. A couple of Mel's friends have had a mysterious problem with me since day one. And by 'day one' I mean a good 2/3 years before I actually met said friends. Amazingly, this hasn't made me feel super amazing about myself; I tend to yo-yo between feeling like there's something wrong with me to being angry at the unjust prejudice.
I'd been in two minds about going to the wedding. I wanted to be there to support Mel, obviously, but was put rather on the back foot when my invitation to the celebration came with clauses attached. In short, my admission to the party would only be given if I cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die didn't overwhelm the poor party-goers with gay.
The people in question didn't seem to understand just why I was insulted. It had nothing to do with not being allowed to hump the leg of every woman in sight, and more to do with the assumption that, based on my sexuality (which is, frankly, no one's fucking business anyway), I need to be told not to drag females back to my cave by their hair and seduce them with plaid shirts and armpit hair. Amazingly, Tegan & Sara doesn't start playing every time I walk into a room and I don't need to chain myself up in the cellar every full moon. I may be getting my myth streams crossed...
Nonetheless I tried to be the Good Gay; I smiled politely and chatted to whoever I was permitted to and pretended I didn't know that I was buying a drink for someone who said I was poison. It was only when it got to the first dance that it really hit me. I sat at a table like the obedient little dyke that I am and watched my girlfriend dance with three girls. No one batted an eyelash. I'm fairly sure that 95% of the guests would have reacted (or not reacted) in exactly the same way had I danced with her too. But because of my sexuality our innocent dance would have been something else. I had to sit on the sidelines and watch the heterosexuals have heterosexual fun without me.
Please don't misunderstand this and think I am biphobic/ignoring my girlfriend's sexuality. I say 'heterosexual' because it's quite clear from her family's reaction that she is not bisexual but hass imply had her head turned by me, the sneaky trickster gay that I am. So, not only am I the spawn of satan, Melissa isn't old/clever enough to make her own decisions about who she dates and loves.
I haven't felt so obviously unwanted and out of place since I was at school. I've spent years building up a circle of friends who accept me for who I really am and it was quite a kick in the teeth to suddenly be fifteen again, surrounded by people who will always hate me because of a quirk of genetics that made me queer. It doesn't matter if I'm a communist, a nazi, a murderer or the saviour of humanity. I'm queer. That means I don't deserve the chance to be a human being, I'm just a smear to be rubbed out. And that's not even going into the oldnaming and misgendering I endured (I think I may have spontaneously combusted had anyone found out my gender).
I'd honestly forgotten just how bad it felt to be that person. Worse, it made me feel guilty for being so complacent in my every day life. How can I relax and smile when other people have to deal with that stigma and far worse every day? How dare I be happy? I didn't feel ashamed of who I am but I felt small. I felt powerless and ostracised. I realised that Melissa will never understand how that feels. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely thrilled that she will never know the fear and loneliness that comes with being openly queer and trans like me - sadly, she will have her own battles with biphobia and bierasure - but that night, it felt like a wedge being hammered into place between us. A distance that grew wider with every track the DJ played.
I would like to emphasise that this imagined wedge was just there that night, drawn into existence by the negative emotions that were building up inside me. The rest of my time with her was wonderful, as it always is. And we had a lovely time shopping together (despite both having to buy emergency shoes when the ones we were wearing decided to troll us). I bought lots of HP stuff because Hogwarts will always be my home and a new Playstation game which I might do a series on.
It's been a busy week in terms of documentation and medical stuff:- I got my password to book an appointment at the sleep clinic, I got my room confirmed at university, I got my DSA funded and my name change documentation should be arriving any day now. It's a lot to juggle, I feel like I'm going to spend so much time trying to work out what I need to do next that I'll not actually get any of it done at all!
My sleep clinic appointment isn't until October, which I expected, but just think how different it would have been if I'd managed to get it sorted in January when Dr Walker first mentioned it! I was once again made to feel like it was my fault that it had taken so long and starting university wasn't a great step forward but an inconvenience.
Phew, that was difficult to put into words. I want to be honest about my feelings and experiences but I also don't want to reduce my blog to a bitchfest and I am painfully aware that reading this will probably hurt Mel's feelings. I've been honest though, which I think is the important thing.
Anyway, I'll see you next week!
Xx
It's been a fortnight since my last post as this time last week I was at a wedding! Mel's mum got married so I took myself off to Devon to celebrate/visit my girlfriend. We had a nice day out in Taunton where I spent far too much and I played a hecking lot of games. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but I might finally be getting somewhere with doctor's etc... We'll see.
Screw you, technology. I win this round!
Before all that, though, I had to get through my current bugbear - recording more Mass Effect. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love playing the game and making videos for you to watch. What I don't enjoy, however, is when you record 2+ hours of stuff only to find some random thing has inexplicably gone wrong and all your efforts are unsalvageable. Again. In total, I think I've probably lost a good 12 hours of footage due to corruption, faulty tech and temperamental software. Good times!
Anyway, I finally got the damn thing done (by 7am!) and I did enjoy playing it and oh my gosh exciting new things! Since I didn't post last week, you have four videos to check out, you lucky things! Links below, as usual.
Part 6 also available
Part 11 also available
[CN: food]
On the 3rd it was my mum's birthday. I'd tried to book an afternoon tea but for whatever reason, the restaurant I got in touch with just never bothered to reply. Mum decided we could do one of those 2 for £10 meal deals at M&S like we did for my birthday last year. I had other ideas. I happened to look up the M&S website to see if I could order food for delivery (I thought it would be a nice surprise to have the food already here instead of having to go out and buy it straight after work) and immediately stumbled on a section labelled Afternoon Tea. Perfect! I chose some canapés, tarts and profiteroles and Becky (mum's sister) donated some money towards the champers; sorted!
I sent mum off to buy a few things from Boots and went to collect my little feast. I think it took mum a few seconds to work out what was going on when I told her I hadn't been able to get the 2 for £10 because 'some awesome person bought all this stuff for afternoon tea.' She's always so surprised when she gets nice things, it's kind of adorable but also breaks my heart a bit that she never expects it!
The rest of the family & I clubbed together to buy her a nice new camera after the old one died a death. And my lovely pal Chloé helped me pick a good one with the specs that'd be best for her.
We had a really nice afternoon filling ourselves with food and alcohol while we watched... Far from the Madding Crowd. Very cheerful! I have no idea why she put that on, but it was still a nice day. Apparently one of our old neighbours helped on set with the sheep, which is why he always styled his facial hair like they do in the film!
[/CN]
The following day, I was up bright and early to get my butt down to Bridgwater ready for the wedding. It was a bit of an odd trip with everything being organised around me Mel was popping up and vanishing every few minutes and I spent a couple of nights in her room without her which was... strange. Thankfully, Gracie was around for me to annoy though! We've always gotten on very well, literally from the moment we met, so it was really nice to spend time with her anyway. I know technically she's 'my girlfriend's friend' but I have never understood that sort of unwritten rule that you can't hang out with Person C without Person B also being there. I love it when my pals become pals!
Sadly, it wasn't all sunshine and roses. A couple of Mel's friends have had a mysterious problem with me since day one. And by 'day one' I mean a good 2/3 years before I actually met said friends. Amazingly, this hasn't made me feel super amazing about myself; I tend to yo-yo between feeling like there's something wrong with me to being angry at the unjust prejudice.
I'd been in two minds about going to the wedding. I wanted to be there to support Mel, obviously, but was put rather on the back foot when my invitation to the celebration came with clauses attached. In short, my admission to the party would only be given if I cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die didn't overwhelm the poor party-goers with gay.
The people in question didn't seem to understand just why I was insulted. It had nothing to do with not being allowed to hump the leg of every woman in sight, and more to do with the assumption that, based on my sexuality (which is, frankly, no one's fucking business anyway), I need to be told not to drag females back to my cave by their hair and seduce them with plaid shirts and armpit hair. Amazingly, Tegan & Sara doesn't start playing every time I walk into a room and I don't need to chain myself up in the cellar every full moon. I may be getting my myth streams crossed...
Nonetheless I tried to be the Good Gay; I smiled politely and chatted to whoever I was permitted to and pretended I didn't know that I was buying a drink for someone who said I was poison. It was only when it got to the first dance that it really hit me. I sat at a table like the obedient little dyke that I am and watched my girlfriend dance with three girls. No one batted an eyelash. I'm fairly sure that 95% of the guests would have reacted (or not reacted) in exactly the same way had I danced with her too. But because of my sexuality our innocent dance would have been something else. I had to sit on the sidelines and watch the heterosexuals have heterosexual fun without me.
Please don't misunderstand this and think I am biphobic/ignoring my girlfriend's sexuality. I say 'heterosexual' because it's quite clear from her family's reaction that she is not bisexual but hass imply had her head turned by me, the sneaky trickster gay that I am. So, not only am I the spawn of satan, Melissa isn't old/clever enough to make her own decisions about who she dates and loves.
I haven't felt so obviously unwanted and out of place since I was at school. I've spent years building up a circle of friends who accept me for who I really am and it was quite a kick in the teeth to suddenly be fifteen again, surrounded by people who will always hate me because of a quirk of genetics that made me queer. It doesn't matter if I'm a communist, a nazi, a murderer or the saviour of humanity. I'm queer. That means I don't deserve the chance to be a human being, I'm just a smear to be rubbed out. And that's not even going into the oldnaming and misgendering I endured (I think I may have spontaneously combusted had anyone found out my gender).
I'd honestly forgotten just how bad it felt to be that person. Worse, it made me feel guilty for being so complacent in my every day life. How can I relax and smile when other people have to deal with that stigma and far worse every day? How dare I be happy? I didn't feel ashamed of who I am but I felt small. I felt powerless and ostracised. I realised that Melissa will never understand how that feels. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely thrilled that she will never know the fear and loneliness that comes with being openly queer and trans like me - sadly, she will have her own battles with biphobia and bierasure - but that night, it felt like a wedge being hammered into place between us. A distance that grew wider with every track the DJ played.
I would like to emphasise that this imagined wedge was just there that night, drawn into existence by the negative emotions that were building up inside me. The rest of my time with her was wonderful, as it always is. And we had a lovely time shopping together (despite both having to buy emergency shoes when the ones we were wearing decided to troll us). I bought lots of HP stuff because Hogwarts will always be my home and a new Playstation game which I might do a series on.
It's been a busy week in terms of documentation and medical stuff:- I got my password to book an appointment at the sleep clinic, I got my room confirmed at university, I got my DSA funded and my name change documentation should be arriving any day now. It's a lot to juggle, I feel like I'm going to spend so much time trying to work out what I need to do next that I'll not actually get any of it done at all!
My sleep clinic appointment isn't until October, which I expected, but just think how different it would have been if I'd managed to get it sorted in January when Dr Walker first mentioned it! I was once again made to feel like it was my fault that it had taken so long and starting university wasn't a great step forward but an inconvenience.
Phew, that was difficult to put into words. I want to be honest about my feelings and experiences but I also don't want to reduce my blog to a bitchfest and I am painfully aware that reading this will probably hurt Mel's feelings. I've been honest though, which I think is the important thing.
Anyway, I'll see you next week!
Xx
28 Jun 2017
28.06.17
Hello all!
It's been a bit of a disastrous week, I must say. My sleep attacks have increased a lot this year, for whatever reason, and as you may have noticed, not a single medical professional seems to give a shit.
I managed to get another appointment at the doctor's yesterday and, surprise surprise, there was no message from CC about it like she promised. So once again I got a useless shrug of the shoulders and not much else until I burst into tears because I've just had enough of begging for help and getting nowhere. So, it turns out GPs can refer me to a sleep clinic without a recommendation after all, the previous X amount of times they've said otherwise were just lies. Awesome.
He did offer me some fantastic advice though which instantly eased my worries about sleep issues whilst at uni: just don't go to uni. Out of context, this is ridiculous enough - it's taken them a year to get to the point where they're ready to offer me any help but now my plans are getting in the way and that's just unacceptable, clearly! The way it's been addressed in the past couple of months has really been so accusatory, as well.
For example, a few posts back I mentioned CC1 basically telling me that I couldn't get therapy bc I was leaving too soon. Which, yes, I agree with - it's a long term thing - but how dare they make it my problem, when I've been sat on my arse waiting for them to actually look into something for eleven months! I've been expecting a sleep clinic referral since January!
It just astounds me that I can say 'I literally can't wake up without help' and 'I'm sleeping 16 hours a day ON AVERAGE' and 'I can't make plans because I could fall asleep at any moment' and everyone treats me like it's perfectly normal? I'm aware that hypersomia is a side effect of depression. I know that sleep. I've lived with that tiredness for 12 years. This is different. This isn't tiredness this is my brain shutting down at random. Sometimes I just want to scream WHY WON'T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME??
Of course, the 'best' part of this tale is that they all but forced my hand in going to uni in the first place! When I first started seeing a CC (the evil one who made me cry lots and can suck my dick) I was told that I wasn't trying hard enough because I didn't have any 'goals' so they wouldn't help me. Obviously, I wanted to go to uni anyway, but they were the ones who pushed for me to go ASAP and not wait another year. But now it's just too soon and they want me to pull out of it all. Well, they can pay for the room I won't be staying in then since it's a legally binding contract and I have to pay whether I go or not!
I hate that the NHS is so hideously underfunded and uneducated when it comes to mental health etc. I have to explain 'neutral pronouns' 'trans' and 'nonbinary' to every single person that I see. None of them have even heard of it. There's an LGBT poster up in the lobby at the surgery and yet, I am still constantly misgendered and no one has even made an attempt to call me by my chosen name. How can I trust someone with my wellbeing when they can't even do me the courtesy of listening to what I'm saying?
I just feel like, as a patient, I'm not respected or even looked at as a human being. I'm just... a name on a sheet of paper. An hour of work that has to be done. I'm not valued enough for any actual aid, just as a stepping stone so people can feel better about themselves because they ~help people~.
So that's basically been my week. Another session of screaming into the void and collapsing in a heap of exhaustion, partly due to sleep attacks, partly because the whole rigmarole of singing for my supper (or in this case. medication), is such a fucking nightmare.
I went to my dad's on Friday which was nice. Mum's been trying to take me out every few days as well just so I don't sit and stew but it's so difficult when I'm just nodding off in the car instead of in bed. I hate letting her down and saying no but I really don't see what else I can do. It hurts me that my problems are such a burden on her too.
I've been very lucky this week as both Susan (dad's wife) and Lottie got me lovely presents! I got a great new HP tshirt and a beautiful leatherbound notebook with a leaf design that really reminds me of LOTR. I tried to take pictures but my phone camera just couldn't do the colour justice and kept washing it out. Boo! The notebook was a thank you from Lottie for helping them through uni. Something I don't really feel I did - I was just a friend to them like anyone would have been - but I'm so proud of them for getting through their degree, they did amazingly well!
I'm also super excited by the fact my brand spanking new laptop is clever enough to deal with PC games so I've been downloading all and sundry from Steam and playing to my heart's content. Most of them were free but I did buy a few. I have no self control at all, so I've had to force myself to not look at the sale page or I'll just get everything! I've recorded one of said games and released it as a Patreon exclusive which you can find on my page.
As usual, I released two new videos on Monday and hopefully I'll have more for you next week - assuming I'm awake long enough to actually record something!
Well, I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot more to talk about this week. I've been asleep most of the time, and when I've not I've been really fucking illllllll. It's not been fun and my mental health is definitely suffering for it. I really hope CC pulls through and actually follows up on the things she's promised but I'm fully expecting to be led another merry dance, if I'm honest.
Wish me luck, my lovelies!
Xx
It's been a bit of a disastrous week, I must say. My sleep attacks have increased a lot this year, for whatever reason, and as you may have noticed, not a single medical professional seems to give a shit.
I managed to get another appointment at the doctor's yesterday and, surprise surprise, there was no message from CC about it like she promised. So once again I got a useless shrug of the shoulders and not much else until I burst into tears because I've just had enough of begging for help and getting nowhere. So, it turns out GPs can refer me to a sleep clinic without a recommendation after all, the previous X amount of times they've said otherwise were just lies. Awesome.
He did offer me some fantastic advice though which instantly eased my worries about sleep issues whilst at uni: just don't go to uni. Out of context, this is ridiculous enough - it's taken them a year to get to the point where they're ready to offer me any help but now my plans are getting in the way and that's just unacceptable, clearly! The way it's been addressed in the past couple of months has really been so accusatory, as well.
For example, a few posts back I mentioned CC1 basically telling me that I couldn't get therapy bc I was leaving too soon. Which, yes, I agree with - it's a long term thing - but how dare they make it my problem, when I've been sat on my arse waiting for them to actually look into something for eleven months! I've been expecting a sleep clinic referral since January!
It just astounds me that I can say 'I literally can't wake up without help' and 'I'm sleeping 16 hours a day ON AVERAGE' and 'I can't make plans because I could fall asleep at any moment' and everyone treats me like it's perfectly normal? I'm aware that hypersomia is a side effect of depression. I know that sleep. I've lived with that tiredness for 12 years. This is different. This isn't tiredness this is my brain shutting down at random. Sometimes I just want to scream WHY WON'T ANYBODY LISTEN TO ME??
Of course, the 'best' part of this tale is that they all but forced my hand in going to uni in the first place! When I first started seeing a CC (the evil one who made me cry lots and can suck my dick) I was told that I wasn't trying hard enough because I didn't have any 'goals' so they wouldn't help me. Obviously, I wanted to go to uni anyway, but they were the ones who pushed for me to go ASAP and not wait another year. But now it's just too soon and they want me to pull out of it all. Well, they can pay for the room I won't be staying in then since it's a legally binding contract and I have to pay whether I go or not!
I hate that the NHS is so hideously underfunded and uneducated when it comes to mental health etc. I have to explain 'neutral pronouns' 'trans' and 'nonbinary' to every single person that I see. None of them have even heard of it. There's an LGBT poster up in the lobby at the surgery and yet, I am still constantly misgendered and no one has even made an attempt to call me by my chosen name. How can I trust someone with my wellbeing when they can't even do me the courtesy of listening to what I'm saying?
I just feel like, as a patient, I'm not respected or even looked at as a human being. I'm just... a name on a sheet of paper. An hour of work that has to be done. I'm not valued enough for any actual aid, just as a stepping stone so people can feel better about themselves because they ~help people~.
So that's basically been my week. Another session of screaming into the void and collapsing in a heap of exhaustion, partly due to sleep attacks, partly because the whole rigmarole of singing for my supper (or in this case. medication), is such a fucking nightmare.
I went to my dad's on Friday which was nice. Mum's been trying to take me out every few days as well just so I don't sit and stew but it's so difficult when I'm just nodding off in the car instead of in bed. I hate letting her down and saying no but I really don't see what else I can do. It hurts me that my problems are such a burden on her too.
I've been very lucky this week as both Susan (dad's wife) and Lottie got me lovely presents! I got a great new HP tshirt and a beautiful leatherbound notebook with a leaf design that really reminds me of LOTR. I tried to take pictures but my phone camera just couldn't do the colour justice and kept washing it out. Boo! The notebook was a thank you from Lottie for helping them through uni. Something I don't really feel I did - I was just a friend to them like anyone would have been - but I'm so proud of them for getting through their degree, they did amazingly well!
I'm also super excited by the fact my brand spanking new laptop is clever enough to deal with PC games so I've been downloading all and sundry from Steam and playing to my heart's content. Most of them were free but I did buy a few. I have no self control at all, so I've had to force myself to not look at the sale page or I'll just get everything! I've recorded one of said games and released it as a Patreon exclusive which you can find on my page.
As usual, I released two new videos on Monday and hopefully I'll have more for you next week - assuming I'm awake long enough to actually record something!
Well, I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot more to talk about this week. I've been asleep most of the time, and when I've not I've been really fucking illllllll. It's not been fun and my mental health is definitely suffering for it. I really hope CC pulls through and actually follows up on the things she's promised but I'm fully expecting to be led another merry dance, if I'm honest.
Wish me luck, my lovelies!
Xx
21 Jun 2017
21.06.17
Hello all!
It's been another struggle of a week as I've barely managed to stay conscious for most of it. Rather awake today which is a very welcome change, I'm happy to say! I also managed to get my butt into gear and do some more recording which is a bit of a major fucking victory as far as I'm concerned.
I have a very black & white way of looking at things and often spiral out into despair at the first set back; 'oh you had one day off doing the thing? well, it's ruined now you may as well just give up altogether and wallow in self pity in your bedroom for at least the next 7 years.'
With illness (hard to record an audiobook when you've lost your voice, apparently!) and then with the Laptop Black Death of 2017, I was out of commission for a couple of weeks. Perhaps closer to a month, even, but I managed to force myself to stop procrastinating once I was better and recorded three chapters on the trot! Far from completing the work, sure, but this is such a big step for me. I really can't remember the last time I managed to pick myself up like this after a set back, however minor. Believe me, it's not the easiest way to live!
There was a small silver lining to my sleep attacks however, as when CC2 came for a follow up visit yesterday, I spent the entire meeting curled up on the couch fighting to keep my eyes open. I'm sure you're all familiar with that sensation where your head starts to nod and keeping your eyelids up seems to suddenly take all of your concentration... Imagine that feeling during an hour long meeting talking about the worst things that have ever happened to you. Now imagine it for a solid month without reprieve. It's something I've been asking the doctor about since I was about 16 (now nearly 25!) and no one seems to really register just how much of a problem it is. I only manage to fight it off about 25% of the time, more than once I've literally just passed out in the middle of doing something. No, it's not like in the movies (*see Moulin Rouge) where you just collapse left right and centre every five minutes, but it is pretty fucking dangerous at times.
I'm hoping that having seen it first hand, she will actually take it a little more seriously than everyone else has and possibly be able to shunt the doctor into some kind of action instead of just 'well no one has told me it's a problem and I can't possibly take your word for it even though it's your medical condition.' I mean can you imagine going to A&E with a bone sticking out of your arm and the doctor saying 'oh no, you need to wait 6 months for an assessment by a different doctor who will then write to me to confirm that is actually a bone - unless he can't be arsed - and then you need to come and see me and remind me about it and only then will I try to book you an appointment for you to look into getting the bone realigned. Which will be another two months, at least. Good luck!'
Of course, this analogy can be applied to about 6 different conditions I'm dealing with so I'm sure you can understand my frustration with the NHS. I mean, I can't really blame anyone in particular. It's just that the system is completely archaic and the govt. don't seem all that interested in giving it a kick into the 21st century. I'm half expecting my DSA meeting tomorrow to recommend a good leeching.
Which is another bone of bloody contention! I sent off all the documentation they requested weeks ago and at 4:45pm today I get an email saying 'oh btw can you scan these items before 5pm? If you can't get in touch.' Unfortunately I'm not psychic and didn't think to check my email at precisely 4:46 so by the time I'd read it, they'd already closed. I know for a fact I've already sent the documents they asked for, and I'm pretty sure they received them since the email mentioned other things we'd sent in the same envelope that they already had hold of. But even if I hadn't, don't you think fifteen minutes before closing is leaving it a little bit last minute?! So now, of course, I've gone into complete panic mode wondering where their copy is, what I can do since I can't scan mine or tell them and whether or not I'll even have an appointment now since they said they can't do it without all documents beforehand. I really hate surprises. I'm too autistic for this shit.
*deep breath in*
Ok. I'm fine.
Other than all of that bollocks, CC2 was actually pretty helpful. I think she could see what I've been dealing with given that my 'care package' - which is supposed to let her know everything I've done so far and a basic medical history etc - basically comprised of 'they struggle with stuff. They will use methods to deal with it.'
She also seemed pretty surprised when everything she mentioned (i.e. 'have you tried this?') not a single person has ever mentioned to me before. In twelve years. I may have only moved 7 miles up the road but it's also about 50 years into the fucking future!
I'm a little sceptical since lots of people like to give me the 'we'll do X, Y and Z' next session spiel but never follow through, but I am allowing myself to give her the benefit of the doubt this first time to see where it goes.
I noticed she was a lot more pleasant with me this time around, I think last time she'd assumed I'd been given all of these options previously and refused them or something so now she has a better idea of what I've been offered she's a lot more understanding. Which is very nice as, if you read last week's blog, I've gone from CC1's 'we're punishing you for going to uni by not giving you therapy lolbai' to CC2's 'we can't offer short term therapy as it's unsafe, however...' which makes all the fucking difference! Last week I cried and felt hopeless, this week I see a glimmer of optimism.
Anyway, we'll see if this one actually goes anywhere.
In exciting news this week, not only have I released my two usual videos, but also a sneak peek at my upcoming audiobook and I set up a Patreon account!
For those of you that don't know, Patreon offers people the chance to become my patron (for only $1!) and get access to behind the scenes sneaky sneaky stuff that others don't get to see. All the proceeds will go towards keeping my youtube channel up and running and providing you lot with great content! If you can't afford to contribute - which I totally understand - sharing my youtube channel or my Patreon page would be an amazing help too!
Phew, that's a lot to take in! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading about this week's adventures and I'll see you next week!
Xx
It's been another struggle of a week as I've barely managed to stay conscious for most of it. Rather awake today which is a very welcome change, I'm happy to say! I also managed to get my butt into gear and do some more recording which is a bit of a major fucking victory as far as I'm concerned.
So professional I keep recording even with injuries!
I have a very black & white way of looking at things and often spiral out into despair at the first set back; 'oh you had one day off doing the thing? well, it's ruined now you may as well just give up altogether and wallow in self pity in your bedroom for at least the next 7 years.'
With illness (hard to record an audiobook when you've lost your voice, apparently!) and then with the Laptop Black Death of 2017, I was out of commission for a couple of weeks. Perhaps closer to a month, even, but I managed to force myself to stop procrastinating once I was better and recorded three chapters on the trot! Far from completing the work, sure, but this is such a big step for me. I really can't remember the last time I managed to pick myself up like this after a set back, however minor. Believe me, it's not the easiest way to live!
Rockin' the Slytherin garb
I'm hoping that having seen it first hand, she will actually take it a little more seriously than everyone else has and possibly be able to shunt the doctor into some kind of action instead of just 'well no one has told me it's a problem and I can't possibly take your word for it even though it's your medical condition.' I mean can you imagine going to A&E with a bone sticking out of your arm and the doctor saying 'oh no, you need to wait 6 months for an assessment by a different doctor who will then write to me to confirm that is actually a bone - unless he can't be arsed - and then you need to come and see me and remind me about it and only then will I try to book you an appointment for you to look into getting the bone realigned. Which will be another two months, at least. Good luck!'
Of course, this analogy can be applied to about 6 different conditions I'm dealing with so I'm sure you can understand my frustration with the NHS. I mean, I can't really blame anyone in particular. It's just that the system is completely archaic and the govt. don't seem all that interested in giving it a kick into the 21st century. I'm half expecting my DSA meeting tomorrow to recommend a good leeching.
Mum papped me cooing over the cat!
Which is another bone of bloody contention! I sent off all the documentation they requested weeks ago and at 4:45pm today I get an email saying 'oh btw can you scan these items before 5pm? If you can't get in touch.' Unfortunately I'm not psychic and didn't think to check my email at precisely 4:46 so by the time I'd read it, they'd already closed. I know for a fact I've already sent the documents they asked for, and I'm pretty sure they received them since the email mentioned other things we'd sent in the same envelope that they already had hold of. But even if I hadn't, don't you think fifteen minutes before closing is leaving it a little bit last minute?! So now, of course, I've gone into complete panic mode wondering where their copy is, what I can do since I can't scan mine or tell them and whether or not I'll even have an appointment now since they said they can't do it without all documents beforehand. I really hate surprises. I'm too autistic for this shit.
*deep breath in*
Ok. I'm fine.
Other than all of that bollocks, CC2 was actually pretty helpful. I think she could see what I've been dealing with given that my 'care package' - which is supposed to let her know everything I've done so far and a basic medical history etc - basically comprised of 'they struggle with stuff. They will use methods to deal with it.'
She also seemed pretty surprised when everything she mentioned (i.e. 'have you tried this?') not a single person has ever mentioned to me before. In twelve years. I may have only moved 7 miles up the road but it's also about 50 years into the fucking future!
I'm a little sceptical since lots of people like to give me the 'we'll do X, Y and Z' next session spiel but never follow through, but I am allowing myself to give her the benefit of the doubt this first time to see where it goes.
I noticed she was a lot more pleasant with me this time around, I think last time she'd assumed I'd been given all of these options previously and refused them or something so now she has a better idea of what I've been offered she's a lot more understanding. Which is very nice as, if you read last week's blog, I've gone from CC1's 'we're punishing you for going to uni by not giving you therapy lolbai' to CC2's 'we can't offer short term therapy as it's unsafe, however...' which makes all the fucking difference! Last week I cried and felt hopeless, this week I see a glimmer of optimism.
Anyway, we'll see if this one actually goes anywhere.
In exciting news this week, not only have I released my two usual videos, but also a sneak peek at my upcoming audiobook and I set up a Patreon account!
For those of you that don't know, Patreon offers people the chance to become my patron (for only $1!) and get access to behind the scenes sneaky sneaky stuff that others don't get to see. All the proceeds will go towards keeping my youtube channel up and running and providing you lot with great content! If you can't afford to contribute - which I totally understand - sharing my youtube channel or my Patreon page would be an amazing help too!
Semester Aboard was written by the incredibly talented Elizabeth Kirke and I'm so excited to be the voice behind the audiobook!
Phew, that's a lot to take in! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading about this week's adventures and I'll see you next week!
Xx
14 Jun 2017
14.06.17
Hello all!
Can you believe it's June already? I always find time such a strange concept. It feels like March and October at the same time. So much has happened and yet not enough to make it feel like months, does that make sense?
Anyway, for those of you not in the Twitterverse, I must extend my apologies for not blogging last week but I had a bit of a shitstorm regarding my laptop and couldn't do it.
Basically, I'd had my laptop for two months but due to moving and internet problems etc I'd only been using it for a couple of weeks before it started doing a scary thing where the whole screen kind of broke off into small rectangles of static/incorrect pixels. Looking at the screen as a whole you could see what it was meant to be, it was like one of those square puzzles where all the sections have been rearranged but about 300 of them.
I wouldn't have minded so much if, upon encountering this problem, PC World repeatedly tried to shift the blame onto me for being a silly little 'woman' who just couldn't possibly understand how the magic clever box works. Of the three times I've been to PC World this year, I have been ignored, patronised, bled on (really!!) and generally treated as though I am an inconvenience. I asked if I could exchange it for a more expensive laptop (and give them more money!!) and was told no. I asked for a straight up refund and, again, was told no. In the end I had to settle for them repairing it. I was told 'it might take a week, it might take 28 days' and sent on my way. No apology, no substitute machine, nothing. When I did get it back the repair sheet said that they'd had to 'tighten some screws' but they still tried to imply it was my fault for fiddling about with settings. Because obviously software has a direct effect on the actual machinery! Absolute blame-shifting bollocks. Now that I have my laptop back (and have purchased a much better one elsewhere) I will never shop there again. I ended up finding a laptop with twice as much memory capacity and a muuuuuch better processor for less money so I won that one, ya fuckers.
[CN: Mental health]
I had a meeting with my CC last week, and the new CC who will be taking over from her now I'm in a new area. It was a bit of a bad note to leave things on and I'm trying hard not to let that mar the whole experience for me.
As you probably know, I've been working with my CC for a while now trying to organise my meds and therapy to help me work on my PTSD and depression. On the whole, this has been the best experience of many that I've had in this field. I finally got medication that works pretty well for me, I got a CC for the first time which really helped me feel like I hadn't just been forgotten about and even helped me with getting doctor's appointments and the like, and I saw a psychologist who actually listened to what I had to say instead of just deciding he knows best. So yeah, she's basically been like a superhero as far as I'm concerned.
But then she showed up on Friday with my new CC and I find out that I'm not getting any therapy after all, my sleep clinic referral still isn't sorted (the referral my psychologist said he would recommend back in January!) and I can't get any help arranging transport to my DSA meeting for uni prep. So that was a bit of a slap in the face. I understand what she was saying about it being too late in the year to begin a long course of therapy with me moving in September, it's just so frustrating that because it's taken so long for everyone to arrive at a conclusion about what to do with me, it's now too late for anything.
So now I'm sat with a stranger in my house who clearly doesn't know anything about my history (she kept asking questions that original CC knew the answer to) and being asked 'is that okay?' about something I can't change and, obviously, am not okay with! I just felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do, decisions about my life have been made for me and I just had to sit there and be told. It's not a nice feeling.
I was really hoping to have something by the time I went to uni - a proper diagnosis and treatment for my sleep, some therapy groundwork to help me get started, but instead I'm left with yet another assessment that went absolutely nowhere. Honestly, I must be the most assessed mind in the country by now. Time and time again, I get some kind of psychological assessment to be thrown by the wayside and forgotten about only to repeat the process a year later. And people wonder why I don't sound hopeful when they offer a plan to me. I'll believe it when I see it, I've been left out to dry too many times.
It perhaps didn't help that this last fortnight I've been really struggling. My physical health has been compromised recently - I've magically injured my wrist by doing absolutely nothing, and I've had some kind of flu/cold thing that's made it very difficult to breathe and swallow. On top of that I've been sleeping more often than not and my mood has taken a very determined nosedive.
I tried to explain this to them but I feel like they were mentally already walking out the door so it didn't really do much. Obviously it's not their fault, their job isn't to wave a wand and fix my life for me, but as the face of my care unfortunately the brunt of my frustrations ends up pointed at them. I'm frightened that, for one reason or another, my meds are no longer as effective as they used to be. It took me almost 10 years to settle on these ones, I don't want to have to go through that again! And if I'm like this now, what am I going to be like in another week, knowing now that I'm not receiving the help I thought I was waiting for? What about the week after that? I can't begin to explain how scared I am of spiralling out, the feeling of being left out in the cold is not a pleasant one, especially on top of the depression I'm already feeling.
[/CN]
Anyway, onto nicer things! In my last post I told you about seeing the wonderful Holly playing in Newcastle and I'd like to share some photos from the event taken by JRR Photography. I'm still thinking about the gig, I've had her songs stuck in my head for nearly a fortnight but it's not the annoying earworm kind it's the 'argh I wish I knew the lyrics to this song because it's so gosh darn good!' kind.
Can you believe it's June already? I always find time such a strange concept. It feels like March and October at the same time. So much has happened and yet not enough to make it feel like months, does that make sense?
Voting is Important
Anyway, for those of you not in the Twitterverse, I must extend my apologies for not blogging last week but I had a bit of a shitstorm regarding my laptop and couldn't do it.
Basically, I'd had my laptop for two months but due to moving and internet problems etc I'd only been using it for a couple of weeks before it started doing a scary thing where the whole screen kind of broke off into small rectangles of static/incorrect pixels. Looking at the screen as a whole you could see what it was meant to be, it was like one of those square puzzles where all the sections have been rearranged but about 300 of them.
I finally acheived my 14 y/o self's dream aesthetic
I wouldn't have minded so much if, upon encountering this problem, PC World repeatedly tried to shift the blame onto me for being a silly little 'woman' who just couldn't possibly understand how the magic clever box works. Of the three times I've been to PC World this year, I have been ignored, patronised, bled on (really!!) and generally treated as though I am an inconvenience. I asked if I could exchange it for a more expensive laptop (and give them more money!!) and was told no. I asked for a straight up refund and, again, was told no. In the end I had to settle for them repairing it. I was told 'it might take a week, it might take 28 days' and sent on my way. No apology, no substitute machine, nothing. When I did get it back the repair sheet said that they'd had to 'tighten some screws' but they still tried to imply it was my fault for fiddling about with settings. Because obviously software has a direct effect on the actual machinery! Absolute blame-shifting bollocks. Now that I have my laptop back (and have purchased a much better one elsewhere) I will never shop there again. I ended up finding a laptop with twice as much memory capacity and a muuuuuch better processor for less money so I won that one, ya fuckers.
[CN: Mental health]
I had a meeting with my CC last week, and the new CC who will be taking over from her now I'm in a new area. It was a bit of a bad note to leave things on and I'm trying hard not to let that mar the whole experience for me.
As you probably know, I've been working with my CC for a while now trying to organise my meds and therapy to help me work on my PTSD and depression. On the whole, this has been the best experience of many that I've had in this field. I finally got medication that works pretty well for me, I got a CC for the first time which really helped me feel like I hadn't just been forgotten about and even helped me with getting doctor's appointments and the like, and I saw a psychologist who actually listened to what I had to say instead of just deciding he knows best. So yeah, she's basically been like a superhero as far as I'm concerned.
I did me an exercise!
But then she showed up on Friday with my new CC and I find out that I'm not getting any therapy after all, my sleep clinic referral still isn't sorted (the referral my psychologist said he would recommend back in January!) and I can't get any help arranging transport to my DSA meeting for uni prep. So that was a bit of a slap in the face. I understand what she was saying about it being too late in the year to begin a long course of therapy with me moving in September, it's just so frustrating that because it's taken so long for everyone to arrive at a conclusion about what to do with me, it's now too late for anything.
So now I'm sat with a stranger in my house who clearly doesn't know anything about my history (she kept asking questions that original CC knew the answer to) and being asked 'is that okay?' about something I can't change and, obviously, am not okay with! I just felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do, decisions about my life have been made for me and I just had to sit there and be told. It's not a nice feeling.
I was really hoping to have something by the time I went to uni - a proper diagnosis and treatment for my sleep, some therapy groundwork to help me get started, but instead I'm left with yet another assessment that went absolutely nowhere. Honestly, I must be the most assessed mind in the country by now. Time and time again, I get some kind of psychological assessment to be thrown by the wayside and forgotten about only to repeat the process a year later. And people wonder why I don't sound hopeful when they offer a plan to me. I'll believe it when I see it, I've been left out to dry too many times.
It perhaps didn't help that this last fortnight I've been really struggling. My physical health has been compromised recently - I've magically injured my wrist by doing absolutely nothing, and I've had some kind of flu/cold thing that's made it very difficult to breathe and swallow. On top of that I've been sleeping more often than not and my mood has taken a very determined nosedive.
I tried to explain this to them but I feel like they were mentally already walking out the door so it didn't really do much. Obviously it's not their fault, their job isn't to wave a wand and fix my life for me, but as the face of my care unfortunately the brunt of my frustrations ends up pointed at them. I'm frightened that, for one reason or another, my meds are no longer as effective as they used to be. It took me almost 10 years to settle on these ones, I don't want to have to go through that again! And if I'm like this now, what am I going to be like in another week, knowing now that I'm not receiving the help I thought I was waiting for? What about the week after that? I can't begin to explain how scared I am of spiralling out, the feeling of being left out in the cold is not a pleasant one, especially on top of the depression I'm already feeling.
[/CN]
Anyway, onto nicer things! In my last post I told you about seeing the wonderful Holly playing in Newcastle and I'd like to share some photos from the event taken by JRR Photography. I'm still thinking about the gig, I've had her songs stuck in my head for nearly a fortnight but it's not the annoying earworm kind it's the 'argh I wish I knew the lyrics to this song because it's so gosh darn good!' kind.
It was such a lovely, intimate gig. I'm really glad I made the effort to go. It was a wonderful experience that will be with me for a long time.
At the weekend, myself and my lovely friend Paige went to Gateshead to see my my pal Kara's awesome band Syd.31. I wrote a review of their debut album a few posts back and finally got to see them live. Everything I saw only further backed up my initial thoughts from listening to their album. The album is original, unique and a lot of fun. It's a taste of what's to come and a taste of what you could experience seeing them in person.
Every drum beat is amplified, every scream more raw, every guitar riff distorted and pressing in on your ears until it fills your head with their message - we are the freaks and we're not alone. They played like there were thousands of fans screaming their name, and I think I speak for the entire, modestly sized crowd, when I say that Dr Magic connected with each and every one of us, pulling us further into the gig, almost compelling us to jump and scream with him.
One of the most tragic misconceptions about punk is that it's hard and scary and not fun. Syd.31 give a huge middle finger to that notion, they may be thrashing and screeching but they're doing so for us. They're bringing us into their world, giving us a home, a community, a sense of belonging as we build up a sweat dancing and moshing to the words that entwine around us poking fun at pride and vanity and fitting into your label. Why shouldn't you like Busted? Why shouldn't you sing along to Aqua in your pants? Why shouldn't you send a message to Maggie Thatcher's clone by headbanging to a Mancunian industrial punk band in the backroom of a pub? If that gig taught me anything, it's to find what you love, grab it with both fucking hands and when someone tells you you don't fit ask them what are you so afraid of?
Photography by Will Binks
A fabulous week for music, by all accounts.
I finally finished work on my Spare Oom (barring a few of mum's possessions that haven't found a home yet) and I'm in love. All my DVDs proudly on display, all my consoles set up and ready for action and all of the people I look up to adorning the walls and watching me work. I wish I could take this room with me to uni, it's my perfect little safe haven. Mum has now renamed it the Middle Aged Lady Room so I'm not sure why she doesn't feel more at home in it to be honest!
Fairy lights make everything better
Aside from the days when I didn't have my laptop, recording is going really well and there's lots of goodies for you to watch on my channel! I'm excited to get back into it now with my new machine. I bought myself a cheap mic so hopefully that will deal with some of the sound issues I've been having as well. I got a message from a total stranger saying I was one of his favourite youtubers which was so lovely to hear. The people who regularly watch my vids have been really supportive too and I can't thank them enough for sticking with me as I learn about my newest endeavour!
A final positive to end on; I've been making some really good friends on twitter of late. I've been following cool queer feminist types for a long time but never counted myself among them. I mean, queer and feminist, sure, but I never really thought I had anything of value to add to the conversation. They were just people I aspired to be more like. Now I'm chatting to them and making friends and feeling more... worthy, I guess. It's nice. Plus new friends is always good! The positive of laptop trouble is that I've also been talking to Lily and Mel way more and reaffirming our really strong connections. It's good. I'm very blessed with my online friends, I just wish I got to see them more in real life too!
Xx
1 Jun 2017
31.05.17
Hello all!
It's been a funny sort of week, I had more plans than I've ever had before but ended up doing about as much as I usually do when flu suddenly struck me down like an angry Zeus. I feel like I haven't swallowed in days, it's so difficult and painful to do so!
I'm afraid this post will be relatively short as, though I am better I'm still suffering from a lot of symptoms and spending a lot of my time cuddled up in bed waiting for mum to bring me soup.
Due to this, I missed both Tamsin's debut as a playwright (boo!) and Durham Gay Pride (less boo...) but I did manage to peel myself off the mattress this evening to get to Holly's gig and listen to some lovely music from up and coming musicians! I also spent the evening with Holly's mates, some of whom I have known since school, some I just met tonight. It was a strange sort of mix, being in a group of people who partly know me by my old name and watched me grow up, and others who are just meeting the current product.
One such person was Toni, a girl I went to school with and always looked up to as kind of the 'cool older girl' type but never really spent as much time with as I'd like. It was really nice to see her again and have a bit of a catch up, though I'm sure I barely scraped the surface. Darren and Matthew were also there, who I bumped into at Holly's art show, and who I know from Back In The Day.
It was unbelievably reassuring to spend an evening with the Old Crowd and not have a single person ask about S or mention them or allude to them in any way. I've spent so many years terrified of seeing any of them again because of the inevitable (or so I thought) conversation about them that would ensue. Turns out it wasn't so inevitable after all. Of course, the by-product of this is that the whole journey home I spent getting increasingly paranoid about 'well, they didn't mention S but I bet they were thinking it' which was less than productive.
I'm sure there are people who would say or think about S if they bumped into me again and that's ok. The point is most people, surprisingly enough, don't spend every waking moment planning how to corner me and force me to have a conversation I don't want to have. I'm trying really hard to expose myself to situations and teach myself to believe what I know to be true. S isn't lurking around every corner, neither is the memory of them, ready to strike from another's lips.
If tonight was any indication, this is going to be a very long process, I'm not even sure I'll ever fully get there but if I can learn to ignore it or enjoy myself despite my fears then that will be enough.
Anyway, Holly's EP will be available soon but until then I highly recommend you check her out on youtube and subscribe to her Patreon!
It's been a funny sort of week, I had more plans than I've ever had before but ended up doing about as much as I usually do when flu suddenly struck me down like an angry Zeus. I feel like I haven't swallowed in days, it's so difficult and painful to do so!
I'm afraid this post will be relatively short as, though I am better I'm still suffering from a lot of symptoms and spending a lot of my time cuddled up in bed waiting for mum to bring me soup.
Due to this, I missed both Tamsin's debut as a playwright (boo!) and Durham Gay Pride (less boo...) but I did manage to peel myself off the mattress this evening to get to Holly's gig and listen to some lovely music from up and coming musicians! I also spent the evening with Holly's mates, some of whom I have known since school, some I just met tonight. It was a strange sort of mix, being in a group of people who partly know me by my old name and watched me grow up, and others who are just meeting the current product.
One such person was Toni, a girl I went to school with and always looked up to as kind of the 'cool older girl' type but never really spent as much time with as I'd like. It was really nice to see her again and have a bit of a catch up, though I'm sure I barely scraped the surface. Darren and Matthew were also there, who I bumped into at Holly's art show, and who I know from Back In The Day.
It was unbelievably reassuring to spend an evening with the Old Crowd and not have a single person ask about S or mention them or allude to them in any way. I've spent so many years terrified of seeing any of them again because of the inevitable (or so I thought) conversation about them that would ensue. Turns out it wasn't so inevitable after all. Of course, the by-product of this is that the whole journey home I spent getting increasingly paranoid about 'well, they didn't mention S but I bet they were thinking it' which was less than productive.
I'm sure there are people who would say or think about S if they bumped into me again and that's ok. The point is most people, surprisingly enough, don't spend every waking moment planning how to corner me and force me to have a conversation I don't want to have. I'm trying really hard to expose myself to situations and teach myself to believe what I know to be true. S isn't lurking around every corner, neither is the memory of them, ready to strike from another's lips.
If tonight was any indication, this is going to be a very long process, I'm not even sure I'll ever fully get there but if I can learn to ignore it or enjoy myself despite my fears then that will be enough.
Trying very hard not to melt in the heat
Anyway, Holly's EP will be available soon but until then I highly recommend you check her out on youtube and subscribe to her Patreon!
I was super gutted that I missed Tamsin's play, the majestically titled Fingerwank - I mean, who wouldn't want to see that?! - it's been a while since I saw anything at the theatre and I'm always keen to try and support new people in the industry, especially those I've grown up with. From what I've gathered it was, unsurprisingly, a roaring success, and I am determined to make it to her next piece whatever it may be.
Durham Pride was a little less missed after a whole debacle on twitter over blackface and whether or not it was a problem(!). It rained all day and there was quite a presence of armed police so I think perhaps wrapped up in blankets was the best place I could be. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to take my sister to her first pride but at the same time I would have been very disappointed in myself for advocating a Pride that would rather plug it's ears than admit to the very real issues it was perpetrating.
I've done a fair bit of work on my channel this week; I've even started recording a whole new series! I'm so pleased with how it's going and there's a possibility of a collaboration in the near future with another Let's Player who I quite enjoy called ZigZakk.
I'm afraid I'll have to leave it there, folks, as a headache is looming and I think I ought to go back to bed. I'll see you again next week!
Xx
25 May 2017
24.05.17
Hello all!
I know, I know, late again, I'm going to have to start setting reminders on my phone, I didn't realise it was Wednesday until far too late! It doesn't feel like a week since my last blog, and, in my defence, I didn't stop yesterday so I didn't have much time to think about writing!
It's been a fairly good week, though, which is nice. I've been enjoying the rock Pokémon festival on Pokémon Go and catching everything I lay my eyes on! I also treated myself to Tomb Raider on the PS4 so I've been re-acquainting myself with Lara, and trying to unlearn those pesky 360 controls!
Recording is going well, I've nearly finished Jurassic World and I've also undertaken another project which has been on the backburner for a while now. Yes, that's right, I've finally gotten around to working on the Semester Aboard audiobook again!
For those of you that don't know, I started working on it back in... December 2015, but due to depression and general mental collapse it got put on hold for a very, very long time. I have to give a huge thank you to the wonderful author for being so understanding and never once making me feel pressured to get back on with it even though the deadline was in 2016! What an angel. I'm very glad to count her among my friends, even before she was an author and I could leech off her success! Still, I'm determined to plough my way through it this time so hopefully you'll all be able to listen to my sultry tones very soon.
As well as this, I've been building bookcases and doing a hefty amount of unboxing! The hallway is now a treacherous assault course of empty cardboard box towers, teetering teasingly on the edge of collapse. I'd quite forgotten how many books we had so it's lovely seeing them all on the shelves again, making the living room look like a place where people actually live! I'm so pleased with how lovely and welcoming it looks, especially after all the effort to paint it!
On Saturday, I dragged mum into Newcastle for The Late Shows because my lovely, talented friend Holly had opened her studio for people to come and see her gorgeous work! I haven't had the chance to see her much since we left school so it was really nice to catch up. She was always great at art but it's amazing to see how she's progressed and developed over the years. I'm also really glad she's gotten back into song writing because she's also got a beautiful and unique way with words.
As if that wasn't unfair enough, her sister Tamsin is equally talented and is going to be part of a series of plays that I'm going to see this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing what her writing style is like, as I have long been a fan of her artwork and honesty with words.
I don't think I've ever said this to them, but I've always greatly admired the both of them, as well as their brother. Not only are they all very intelligent (not just academically but socially), they have always been resolutely and effortlessly true to themselves. I've never known anyone else who, especially through their teenage hormone-riddled years, manage to be so unfailingly comfortable and confident in who they are. I'm sure they didn't always feel that way, but we could all see what a kind, clever and loving family they were, never ashamed to be interested in things and eager to share their enthusiasm with you.
In short, they're a delightful, albeit infuriatingly talented family!
Gosh, I went on a bit there but I'm trying to be more openly positive towards people, including just telling them what I like about them. It's so easy to just take people for granted and forget exactly what it is about them that made you want to be friends in the first place. I'm surrounded by truly incredible people and I never want to become complacent in my esteem for them.
In other news, it's bloody hot today, innit! I've been lounging around in my pants most of the day, waiting for everyone to stop cutting their lawns so I can do some recording! I've been recommended a game by my lovely friend Paige and I'm eager to check it out and hopefully make a fun video for you to enjoy.
Paige is another friend I've sort of lost touch with over the years (to be fair, I lost touch with pretty much everyone during my worst struggles with mental health), and it's been a lovely experience reconnecting with her. I'm off to a gig in June and decided to invite her along which has spurred on a great catch up. I'm so pleased!
How I met Paige is a rather strange story. Back in the days when the internet made a funny noise and killed the telephone, everyone was making their own websites. I think it was even pre-MySpace era! Of course, we were all desperate to out-emo each other so the pages were filled with side fringes, screaming and general angst. My colour scheme was green and black, a combo I still rather enjoy!
Anyway, a friend at school gave me the link to her brand spanking new site so I went to check it out. I have no idea how, but I ended up on a totally different person's page - presumably I got the link wrong. Anyway, this girl was a super cool emo chick too so I left her a message saying something appropriately complimentary (but also DARK AND DEPRESSING) and forgot all about it.
A few days later I get a message off some random girl asking if I went to school with a boy called Cameron. Turns out she was the owner of the site, lived three hours away and had known Cameron before he moved to my neck of the woods. The wrong link I used could have taken me anywhere in the world and yet I end up at the seaside, within driving distance. Small world, eh?
Paige is now a writer and burlesque dancer and I'm taking her to the gig of another friend who's a drummer in an industrial punk band. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Anyway, if you're reading this and you're in the Newcastle/Durham area, you should definitely come along to the gig!
Mum's leaning over my shoulder now to get me to come and help her do some sorting so I better scoot! It's kind of nice having this 'life' thing for a little while, though I'm being careful to limit myself so I don't burn out.
See you all next week, actually on time!
Xx
I know, I know, late again, I'm going to have to start setting reminders on my phone, I didn't realise it was Wednesday until far too late! It doesn't feel like a week since my last blog, and, in my defence, I didn't stop yesterday so I didn't have much time to think about writing!
It's been a fairly good week, though, which is nice. I've been enjoying the rock Pokémon festival on Pokémon Go and catching everything I lay my eyes on! I also treated myself to Tomb Raider on the PS4 so I've been re-acquainting myself with Lara, and trying to unlearn those pesky 360 controls!
Recording is going well, I've nearly finished Jurassic World and I've also undertaken another project which has been on the backburner for a while now. Yes, that's right, I've finally gotten around to working on the Semester Aboard audiobook again!
For those of you that don't know, I started working on it back in... December 2015, but due to depression and general mental collapse it got put on hold for a very, very long time. I have to give a huge thank you to the wonderful author for being so understanding and never once making me feel pressured to get back on with it even though the deadline was in 2016! What an angel. I'm very glad to count her among my friends, even before she was an author and I could leech off her success! Still, I'm determined to plough my way through it this time so hopefully you'll all be able to listen to my sultry tones very soon.
As well as this, I've been building bookcases and doing a hefty amount of unboxing! The hallway is now a treacherous assault course of empty cardboard box towers, teetering teasingly on the edge of collapse. I'd quite forgotten how many books we had so it's lovely seeing them all on the shelves again, making the living room look like a place where people actually live! I'm so pleased with how lovely and welcoming it looks, especially after all the effort to paint it!
On Saturday, I dragged mum into Newcastle for The Late Shows because my lovely, talented friend Holly had opened her studio for people to come and see her gorgeous work! I haven't had the chance to see her much since we left school so it was really nice to catch up. She was always great at art but it's amazing to see how she's progressed and developed over the years. I'm also really glad she's gotten back into song writing because she's also got a beautiful and unique way with words.
As if that wasn't unfair enough, her sister Tamsin is equally talented and is going to be part of a series of plays that I'm going to see this weekend. I'm really looking forward to seeing what her writing style is like, as I have long been a fan of her artwork and honesty with words.
I don't think I've ever said this to them, but I've always greatly admired the both of them, as well as their brother. Not only are they all very intelligent (not just academically but socially), they have always been resolutely and effortlessly true to themselves. I've never known anyone else who, especially through their teenage hormone-riddled years, manage to be so unfailingly comfortable and confident in who they are. I'm sure they didn't always feel that way, but we could all see what a kind, clever and loving family they were, never ashamed to be interested in things and eager to share their enthusiasm with you.
In short, they're a delightful, albeit infuriatingly talented family!
Gosh, I went on a bit there but I'm trying to be more openly positive towards people, including just telling them what I like about them. It's so easy to just take people for granted and forget exactly what it is about them that made you want to be friends in the first place. I'm surrounded by truly incredible people and I never want to become complacent in my esteem for them.
In other news, it's bloody hot today, innit! I've been lounging around in my pants most of the day, waiting for everyone to stop cutting their lawns so I can do some recording! I've been recommended a game by my lovely friend Paige and I'm eager to check it out and hopefully make a fun video for you to enjoy.
Paige is another friend I've sort of lost touch with over the years (to be fair, I lost touch with pretty much everyone during my worst struggles with mental health), and it's been a lovely experience reconnecting with her. I'm off to a gig in June and decided to invite her along which has spurred on a great catch up. I'm so pleased!
How I met Paige is a rather strange story. Back in the days when the internet made a funny noise and killed the telephone, everyone was making their own websites. I think it was even pre-MySpace era! Of course, we were all desperate to out-emo each other so the pages were filled with side fringes, screaming and general angst. My colour scheme was green and black, a combo I still rather enjoy!
Anyway, a friend at school gave me the link to her brand spanking new site so I went to check it out. I have no idea how, but I ended up on a totally different person's page - presumably I got the link wrong. Anyway, this girl was a super cool emo chick too so I left her a message saying something appropriately complimentary (but also DARK AND DEPRESSING) and forgot all about it.
A few days later I get a message off some random girl asking if I went to school with a boy called Cameron. Turns out she was the owner of the site, lived three hours away and had known Cameron before he moved to my neck of the woods. The wrong link I used could have taken me anywhere in the world and yet I end up at the seaside, within driving distance. Small world, eh?
Paige is now a writer and burlesque dancer and I'm taking her to the gig of another friend who's a drummer in an industrial punk band. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Anyway, if you're reading this and you're in the Newcastle/Durham area, you should definitely come along to the gig!
Mum's leaning over my shoulder now to get me to come and help her do some sorting so I better scoot! It's kind of nice having this 'life' thing for a little while, though I'm being careful to limit myself so I don't burn out.
See you all next week, actually on time!
Xx
18 May 2017
17.05.17
Hello all!
Yes, yes I know, late again, but I have a really good reason this time - I thought it was Tuesday! I realised in the early hours of this morning that it had in fact been Wednesday but it was a bit late by then!
It's been a nice few days, lots of youtubing - both recording and viewing as well as lots of work on the house. I planted some seeds a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't sure they would grow as the packets were quite a few years out of date but today there were a load of sprouts! Well chuffed, I was. The garden is starting to look like an actual garden, the only problem is that it's so windy everything dries out in about five minutes. Mum and I have taken to sleeping in shifts to water everything every hour.
The living room is coming along very nicely, we've nearly finished painting it - it's taken about 40 fucking coats which is why it's taking so long - but we're determined to get it done this weekend and actually unpack a few books. I've almost forgotten what they look like! It'll be nice to have a little more space in Spare Oom as well, now that the exercise bike is in there.
Oh yes, speaking of which - I got an exercise bike! I kept calling off on going to the gym because I had to have an induction and my anxiety has been really spiking lately so I couldn't deal with it then mum had the brilliant idea of getting a bike or a treadmill on gumtree and voila! It's a proper spin bike and I looked it up online out of curiosity and it's about £300 new, I couldn't believe it! The only downside is even on the very lowest setting I'm only just tall enough to use it so I don't know how anybody shorter than me is supposed to manage.
Well, another downside is that it's reminded me how awful my knees are as I have to stop pedalling every few seconds to click them back into place! Delightful. Though of course, that's a downside with my frail old man body, not the bike itself.
I think my youtubing is going pretty well, I'm really getting the hang of recording and editing now so hopefully people are enjoying watching the end product. Episode 2 is now available and I plan to release a new episode every Monday from now on - with perhaps extra episodes in the week if I get too excited!
Mostly I'm really pleased that so far it's something that I'm actually sticking with. I mean, I've been doing reasonably well with this blog, but vlogging provides an extra challenge for me. I'm trying to sort of train myself to have a regular schedule so that university isn't too much of a shock to the system. I'm also trying to get into shape a little bit before I go - hence the bike. A lot of training in acting involves cardio and exercise so I don't want to turn up a couple of years older than everyone else gasping for breath like an out of shape ancient sea turtle racing a cheetah. Might not set the best example for ageing!
Anyway, yesterday I had a lovely relaxing second Tuesday where I got my hair cut, gave the oven an acid bath, gave one living room wall a final coat and started work on the bathroom. Previous owners, in their infinite wisdom, decided that grouting between the tiles was just too much work and so have basically grouted the entire wall. So all of that needs to come off because there are perfectly good tiles lurking beneath.
My new hairdressers is basically at the end of the street in someone's garage. It's a lot nicer than I just made it sound though, and run by a very nice lady who gave me a great cut in less than half the time of my old place!
I also spent a good two hours scooping out oven goop from the cleaner that I left in overnight. Super yum. I'm pretty sure that I'm the first person to clean this oven and I've only been here a month. I mean, to be fair, I'm pretty sure I'm the first person to clean most of this place... Not to say that everything is really gross and uninhabitable, it's just that the dust has been sitting so long it's basically solidified. I noticed today that even some of the walls are dusty. Really weird!
It's been a bit of a Day on twitter today, I have to admit. Piers Morgan and India Willoughby have both gone a bit... well Piers Morgan-y. He even sent his minions after someone I follow, so that's fun! You can read my thoughts on the topic here. Obviously, being trans, this whole non-binary 'discussion' is something very close to my heart and I find myself talking about it more and more as we come under the spotlight of scrutiny.
Anyway, I'm gonna keep it short and sweet this week as I seem to be struggling with the writing of things today. Hopefully next week it's a little more fluid!
Xx
Yes, yes I know, late again, but I have a really good reason this time - I thought it was Tuesday! I realised in the early hours of this morning that it had in fact been Wednesday but it was a bit late by then!
It's been a nice few days, lots of youtubing - both recording and viewing as well as lots of work on the house. I planted some seeds a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't sure they would grow as the packets were quite a few years out of date but today there were a load of sprouts! Well chuffed, I was. The garden is starting to look like an actual garden, the only problem is that it's so windy everything dries out in about five minutes. Mum and I have taken to sleeping in shifts to water everything every hour.
The living room is coming along very nicely, we've nearly finished painting it - it's taken about 40 fucking coats which is why it's taking so long - but we're determined to get it done this weekend and actually unpack a few books. I've almost forgotten what they look like! It'll be nice to have a little more space in Spare Oom as well, now that the exercise bike is in there.
Oh yes, speaking of which - I got an exercise bike! I kept calling off on going to the gym because I had to have an induction and my anxiety has been really spiking lately so I couldn't deal with it then mum had the brilliant idea of getting a bike or a treadmill on gumtree and voila! It's a proper spin bike and I looked it up online out of curiosity and it's about £300 new, I couldn't believe it! The only downside is even on the very lowest setting I'm only just tall enough to use it so I don't know how anybody shorter than me is supposed to manage.
Well, another downside is that it's reminded me how awful my knees are as I have to stop pedalling every few seconds to click them back into place! Delightful. Though of course, that's a downside with my frail old man body, not the bike itself.
Doesn't everyone work out in full make-up?
I think my youtubing is going pretty well, I'm really getting the hang of recording and editing now so hopefully people are enjoying watching the end product. Episode 2 is now available and I plan to release a new episode every Monday from now on - with perhaps extra episodes in the week if I get too excited!
Anyway, yesterday I had a lovely relaxing second Tuesday where I got my hair cut, gave the oven an acid bath, gave one living room wall a final coat and started work on the bathroom. Previous owners, in their infinite wisdom, decided that grouting between the tiles was just too much work and so have basically grouted the entire wall. So all of that needs to come off because there are perfectly good tiles lurking beneath.
My new hairdressers is basically at the end of the street in someone's garage. It's a lot nicer than I just made it sound though, and run by a very nice lady who gave me a great cut in less than half the time of my old place!
Before
I also spent a good two hours scooping out oven goop from the cleaner that I left in overnight. Super yum. I'm pretty sure that I'm the first person to clean this oven and I've only been here a month. I mean, to be fair, I'm pretty sure I'm the first person to clean most of this place... Not to say that everything is really gross and uninhabitable, it's just that the dust has been sitting so long it's basically solidified. I noticed today that even some of the walls are dusty. Really weird!
After
It's been a bit of a Day on twitter today, I have to admit. Piers Morgan and India Willoughby have both gone a bit... well Piers Morgan-y. He even sent his minions after someone I follow, so that's fun! You can read my thoughts on the topic here. Obviously, being trans, this whole non-binary 'discussion' is something very close to my heart and I find myself talking about it more and more as we come under the spotlight of scrutiny.
Anyway, I'm gonna keep it short and sweet this week as I seem to be struggling with the writing of things today. Hopefully next week it's a little more fluid!
Xx
14 May 2017
14.05.17 Bonus Level Unlocked!
Oi oi, you lucky people!
That's right, as promised you are getting a bonus blog this week to make up for my absence over the last month.
As you might imagine, with little else to do I have been watching a lot of tv of late from the good to the... not so good (and certainly one BAD)! I seem to have managed to steer clear of the ugly so far though, so that's a small comfort. I won't review them all right now because that would take hours to write and probably even longer to read but have a few high (and low) lights to be going along with.
Being a huuuuuge The League of Gentlemen and Psychoville fan I finally got around to watching Inside No. 9 and I have no idea what took me so long. Using the simple premise of every story taking place in a number 9 location to tie everything together, half of The League, in the form of Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton, have written a collection of weird and wonderful tales with a dizzying array of bizarre and beautiful characters for us to sink our teeth into.
While they have always been known for their rather dark twist on comedy, this series really pushes the envelope in delving deeper into the depths than ever before, sometimes forgoing the comedy altogether to explore this new level of horror. Homages abound, classic influences are once again given a pedestal with which to bludgeon any innocent passers by. Moving from one episode to the next, you can never really be sure what you are going to get, sometimes the credits begin to roll and you're still left reeling - should I have laughed at that? Did that really just happen? Where on earth did that come from?
Oftentimes as haunting as it is humorous, Inside No. 9 takes you on a unique journey through depravity and desperation, one episode only offering the faintest glimmer of levity to help you through, while others lather it on with a big dollop of slapstick. I can't say I liked every episode the same, as they are all so fantastically different. However, I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed the exploration of new and unique styles - one episode is filmed almost entirely inside a wardrobe, while another features only one line of dialogue - and the decision to give Pemberton and Shearsmith free reign was definitely a wise one. Clearly, others in the industry agree with me as each episode features a new character played by both writers, but also a star studded cast with cameos popping up left, right and centre, actors clamouring to get just a tiny chunk of script to call their own. The sense of enthusiasm is palpable and, japes aside, there is enough food for thought to supply a buffet. This is definitely a show I will be returning to again and again, and I look forward to many more episodes.
At the other end of the spectrum lies Attack on Titan Part 1 & 2, a live action adaptation of the highly acclaimed manga and anime series of the same name. Usually in these cases, I will recommend that newcomers to something watch the anime first while fans of the anime get stuck in. For once I find that I have the same message for both of these groups: don't.
Put simply, Attack on Titan is a dramatic, horrific, action packed adventure into a dark future for mankind filled with huge imagination and incredible artistry. The film, however, is a slow descent into madness, starting as an adaptation of a well known story and ending in a clash of clichés all vying for prime position in a plot that simply uses the AOT characters in a cheap ploy to get more people to watch it.
I had reasonable critiques of Part 1; a forced love triangle, a strange new storyline replacing a much better one, some of the most interesting characters being dropped altogether... but by Part 2 any semblance of review had been tossed into a Titan's mouth and replaced with one sentence: What the everloving fuck is happening? I honestly don't know what happened but somewhere along the way the plot changed from dystopian fantasy drama to zany monster mashup in the blink of an eye, leaving me reeling with confusion and clinging for dear life to my manga as I struggled to swallow the absolute mess that had been put before me. By the end of the film it felt like the director had realised he still had a surplus of budget so decided to blow it all on a huge fight sequence where nothing that makes any kind of sense happens but it's all very impressive and exciting because they're twenty feet tall and that's all anyone cares about, right? For the sake of your poor, long suffering eyes, please do not watch this vomitous mass of a film franchise.
In other news, I'm happy to tell you that Spare Oom (my recording studio/office/the unpacked boxed room) is fully up and running and you can watch my first youtube post right here! If you like what you see I'd be totally ok with you sharing it and subscribing to my channel for more. I'm just that kinda person.
That's right, as promised you are getting a bonus blog this week to make up for my absence over the last month.
As you might imagine, with little else to do I have been watching a lot of tv of late from the good to the... not so good (and certainly one BAD)! I seem to have managed to steer clear of the ugly so far though, so that's a small comfort. I won't review them all right now because that would take hours to write and probably even longer to read but have a few high (and low) lights to be going along with.
Being a huuuuuge The League of Gentlemen and Psychoville fan I finally got around to watching Inside No. 9 and I have no idea what took me so long. Using the simple premise of every story taking place in a number 9 location to tie everything together, half of The League, in the form of Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton, have written a collection of weird and wonderful tales with a dizzying array of bizarre and beautiful characters for us to sink our teeth into.
While they have always been known for their rather dark twist on comedy, this series really pushes the envelope in delving deeper into the depths than ever before, sometimes forgoing the comedy altogether to explore this new level of horror. Homages abound, classic influences are once again given a pedestal with which to bludgeon any innocent passers by. Moving from one episode to the next, you can never really be sure what you are going to get, sometimes the credits begin to roll and you're still left reeling - should I have laughed at that? Did that really just happen? Where on earth did that come from?
Oftentimes as haunting as it is humorous, Inside No. 9 takes you on a unique journey through depravity and desperation, one episode only offering the faintest glimmer of levity to help you through, while others lather it on with a big dollop of slapstick. I can't say I liked every episode the same, as they are all so fantastically different. However, I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed the exploration of new and unique styles - one episode is filmed almost entirely inside a wardrobe, while another features only one line of dialogue - and the decision to give Pemberton and Shearsmith free reign was definitely a wise one. Clearly, others in the industry agree with me as each episode features a new character played by both writers, but also a star studded cast with cameos popping up left, right and centre, actors clamouring to get just a tiny chunk of script to call their own. The sense of enthusiasm is palpable and, japes aside, there is enough food for thought to supply a buffet. This is definitely a show I will be returning to again and again, and I look forward to many more episodes.
At the other end of the spectrum lies Attack on Titan Part 1 & 2, a live action adaptation of the highly acclaimed manga and anime series of the same name. Usually in these cases, I will recommend that newcomers to something watch the anime first while fans of the anime get stuck in. For once I find that I have the same message for both of these groups: don't.
Put simply, Attack on Titan is a dramatic, horrific, action packed adventure into a dark future for mankind filled with huge imagination and incredible artistry. The film, however, is a slow descent into madness, starting as an adaptation of a well known story and ending in a clash of clichés all vying for prime position in a plot that simply uses the AOT characters in a cheap ploy to get more people to watch it.
I had reasonable critiques of Part 1; a forced love triangle, a strange new storyline replacing a much better one, some of the most interesting characters being dropped altogether... but by Part 2 any semblance of review had been tossed into a Titan's mouth and replaced with one sentence: What the everloving fuck is happening? I honestly don't know what happened but somewhere along the way the plot changed from dystopian fantasy drama to zany monster mashup in the blink of an eye, leaving me reeling with confusion and clinging for dear life to my manga as I struggled to swallow the absolute mess that had been put before me. By the end of the film it felt like the director had realised he still had a surplus of budget so decided to blow it all on a huge fight sequence where nothing that makes any kind of sense happens but it's all very impressive and exciting because they're twenty feet tall and that's all anyone cares about, right? For the sake of your poor, long suffering eyes, please do not watch this vomitous mass of a film franchise.
In other news, I'm happy to tell you that Spare Oom (my recording studio/office/the unpacked boxed room) is fully up and running and you can watch my first youtube post right here! If you like what you see I'd be totally ok with you sharing it and subscribing to my channel for more. I'm just that kinda person.
My poor dad has been in the wars lately so I popped over to see him and Susan on Thursday. What with his injuries making his hand swell up to the size of a small country, he couldn't come and pick me up like usual so I volunteered to get the bus. For those of you who don't know, I have... well I wouldn't say a phobia, but... well, a phobia of public transport. I think it's going to be really early and I'll have missed it, I think it's not going to show up at all, I think it's going to be more money than I've got, I think the driver is going to kick me off for being... I don't know too pale, I think there's going to be a bomb on the bus and Keanu Reeves is going to have a heart attack so he can't come and save us and we're all going to die.
Still, clutching my bag like it was a Kevlar vest for anxiety, I went to the bus stop and waited. Getting to Durham was the easy part, getting from Durham to dad was slightly harder as the driver decided when I said 'Ferry Hill' what I was actually saying was 'Timbuktu' and basically tried to talk me out of travelling on the Bishop VIA FERRY FUCKING HILL bus. Nerves in tatters, I eventually coerced my way on board before quadruple checking the route on google maps to make sure I hadn't taken a wrong turn on my prior ten minute bus journey and ended up in South Africa. More annoyingly, when a man got on after me heading to the same destination, the driver let him on without a bloody word! If I wasn't so nervous I'd have been seething that the whole journey cost me a tenner. I could get a limo to Ferry Hill for ten quid! No wonder no one uses the bus anymore.
Then came the nausea inducing journey where every stop we went past was the one I was supposed to get off at until we finally did get to my stop and I got off without incident but feeling like I'd been dragged through a hairdryer one body part at a time. Still, I made it.
As usual, arriving at dad's I discovered a boatload of new animals for me to meet. I may have to start calling him Noah. After I'd cuddled my way through them all, we went out shopping and I got him a nice fender amp (only £15, absolute steal!) as a get well soon present and an adorable dragon tee and bra for myself. Unfortunately we didn't get any bags so I had to wander round town with half a corset casually in my hand! Good thing I don't get embarrassed easily!
We also had a look up to his allotment to see how everything is doing, I swear it gets greener every time I go there! We had a good old chat about various sprouts - with me pretending I know about 50x more than I actually do! - before heading back home to watch some terrible daytime telly with Susan.
Dad very kindly made dinner for us all, despite struggling with the uber-hand, and I'm sure it would have been lovely if halfway through the meal I hadn't suddenly decided I needed to get the bus right now and raced out the door drawing on a cigarette like it contained the elixir of life. I knew the bus wasn't for another fifteen minutes but I was sweating, terrified, power walking down the pavement like an angry steam engine - trail of smoke in my wake. I finished the cigarette in record time, leaning against the bus shelter so I didn't pass out, trying desperately to focus on the sights and sounds around me, to ground myself to the moment and ignore the churning in my stomach, the tingling in my fingertips, the spinning in my head.
The bus showed up about a minute late. I'd aged fifteen years. Nontheless, I sat on the bus triumphant, happy in the knowledge that mum would be picking me up in Durham so I didn't have to worry about yet another public transport panic attack. I text her en route to let her know that I had set off, and once again when I was about five minutes away from the bus station. I leapt off the bus and walked to our usual pick up point. Ten minutes passed. No mum. I checked my phone; 3% battery and no word. I quickly text her 'where are you?'
An unhelpful 'at home' was the response. I reminded her that she had offered to pick me up. I also told her my phone was running out of battery; would she like me to get the bus (please say no) or was she on her way now?
'Yes :)'
2% battery. Not enough to call and beg an explanation to what could only be a deliberately ambiguous text, my brain informed me, angry at the sudden onslaught of new panic. Quickly I text her again. 'To which???' I demanded, frantically button bashing 'send', literally stamping my foot and yelling 'SHIT' in frustration as the LG symbol flashed up on the screen, signalling a power down.
With no form of communication I was left with two choices; I could get the bus home to find mum had come to pick me up and have her so angry she kicked me out when she finally came back or I could wait here in the hope she would collect me before starvation did.
I chose... to run between the two locales for the worst fifteen minutes of this year, convinced I would miss both her and the buses until sheer exhaustion claimed me and I'd die from a fast acting horrible exercise-related disease.
Of course, none of that happened and mum came to get me. After a couple of hours, a lot of tea and some food I felt more or less back to normal but thoroughly exhausted.
And so to people who think my aversion to public transport is 'just an excuse' I would encourage you to reread this section but instead of laughing, try to imagine you genuinely believe all of these things will happen to you. Thank you.
I hope you have enjoyed your bonus blog and I will see you when we return to our regular programming on Wednesday!
Xx
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