22.02.17

Hello all!

I think this week's edition may be a little shorter than usual, certainly shorter than last week's! In part, this is down to the fact I didn't get onto last week's until Friday but it's mostly because, though I have been busy, I don't really think I have a great deal to write about.

After my 20 crash out last week, I've forgotten how to sleep again and have spent the last three nights hopelessly tossing and turning in bed and when I finally do sleep my dreams have been nothing short of bizarre and certainly not restful! My mattress is terrible and so thin that every once in a while the springs will actually wear through my skin as I sleep (though strangely, not through the fabric of the actual mattress). My ankles are red raw this week and I've taken to sleeping under a sleeping bag on top of the duvet to protect my poor, sore feet!

It's half term for mum this week so we've been going on lots of walks and I've been winding her up something chronic. She's the school troll so I'm paying her back in kind on her week off. It would be more fun if she wasn't still run down with some sort of chesty thing so that every time she laughs at me she starts coughing like she's been trying to concentrate a lifetime of smoking into a single day. I'd stop but she keeps trolling the cat for her own amusement so she kind of deserves it.

Catch of the day!

The other big news this week, for my fellow nerds, is the 80 new available Pokémon on Pokémon Go! It's managed to coincide perfectly with mum's week off so she's been taking lots of detours to ensure maximum Pokéstop collection. She's good like that. My Pokédex has shot up from just ticking past the 100 mark to well on it's way to 140 in just a few days. I also hatched me an Elekid but I evolved it into Electabuzz to get an extra one in my Pokédex.

A couple of weeks ago I started watching Orphan Black. I tried to watch it when it first came out but didn't get past the first episode. I don't know why I decided I needed to sit through all of it but I did so I marathoned it as quickly as possible. I'm glad I watched it because Tatiana Maslany's performances are really impressive. Some characters are only differentiated by a pair of glasses or a slight change in make-up but it's very easy to forget that they're played by the same actor, moreover that she's talking to herself! Her command of voice and body makes for unique and fully realised characters that, though they share a face, are very separate from one another. No prosthetics are used but with a coldly arched eyebrow or an enthusiastically chewed mouthful of bread, you see two entirely different people. It's very smoothly done, the camera work & body doubles make the interaction between Tatianas seamless and it's so sleek it's almost unimpressive. Which is absolutely a compliment. The effect is so well produced you don't even realise an effect is being used, which is exactly how CG and special effects should be used.

On the flip side, I find some of the plot rather problematic. The characters often dress as and imitate one another which in itself is fine, but this has led to (more than once) people having sex with someone when they think they're with someone else. Not once is this addressed as a bad thing, indeed one man ends up falling in love with Sarah after sleeping with her pretending to be Beth (something she only did to stop him asking awkward questions)! Someone needs to remind the writers that manipulation and abuse is not the same as a romantic spark.

The plot is hurtling from 'normal people in over their head' to 'sci fi/government conspiracy mania' at such a pace that the latest season seems like a totally different show to the first. I always mourn the origins of a series - in an effort to keep things new and exciting a lot of writers make their plots bigger and bigger until you completely lose sight of where you started. I totally understand this and sometimes it does work, I think the progression in Buffy is really smooth and natural but then you look at shows like Supernatural which have taken it so far that it's surely impossible to step it up anymore and it all just gets a bit far fetched. I worry Orphan Black is taking the latter route and I can't say I'm exactly excited to see what comes next but I will be watching at least some of it to see.

On Saturday, mum and I went to Seaburn which is a coastal town not too far from here. It was super windy and chilly but we had a nice walk along the beach. Everyone had their dogs out and I delighted in watching them pelt up and down the sand after their respective tennis balls. There was a little Jack Russell who was jumping up on his hind legs trying to place his ball in his owner's hand in his eagerness to play. When she tried to take it from him, however, he suddenly realised that he actually quite liked his ball and refused to let go of it.

The tide was pretty far out so we had a look around the rock pools for any glass - reject glass from the Sunderland factory used to wash up on it's shores after being dumped into the water - but I only managed to find one bit. There were lots of shells and a huge bed of seaweed, however, which mum rather enjoyed bouncing on!

Much wind!

After our walk, we popped into Morrison's café for a snack before heading home. I wish we hadn't bothered! The plates were filthy - like someone had deliberately sat and crumbled a cake over it and then left it for the next person - the hot chocolate machine didn't work, there were no straws or cup lids, there were no trays, the coke mum got was absolutely foul... what a disaster. I felt so sorry for the bloke on the till. He was trying his hardest to be helpful - going to get a tray for us and asking someone where the straws were etc he must have been run ragged doing that for every single customer!

I headed home with an empty belly but I full Pokédex so I can't complain!

The following day, mum and I went to Bishop Auckland as she randomly decided to show me her old cross country route from school! It was a nice walk, mum was reminiscing the whole way and I heard lots of stories from her school days. This may not seem like much to you but mum isn't the most loquacious of people so I feel like her life before me is still a mystery. She's always there to support me and one thing I am afraid of when I leave home is that she will be lonely without me. I kind of want to fit in as much fun and friendship as I can before disappearing on her again. She'll still have Shinx so it could be worse but I feel like I'll come home for Christmas to find she's started painting the cat's nails and gossiping with her over a cup of tea! Though saying that, my mum is the type of person who would do that just to mess with me...

Poserrrrrrr

On Monday, we walked to the library to return some books I'd been reading. It's about three miles and I took over the gym outside while mum spoke to the librarians because I am shy and awkward and had Dragonites to defeat! It was a really nice day of chatting and daftness and just spending time together. Mum's always a bit too knackered after work to go for leisurely walks like this so we're trying to ram them all in over this week. I'm also secretly hoping I manage to magically become as toned as an Olympian by Saturday which is a completely realistic expectation!

Come Saturday I'll be heading off to Leicester for my first shoot as Hawke which I'm super excited about. The photographer and I have come up with some great ideas and I look forward to sharing the results with you!

Anyway, back to the stuff I've done not will be doing! Yesterday, mum and I headed up to see nana and Peter. For his birthday, mum agreed to look into his family history so we went to collect some bits of information that he's managed to amass himself - the odd photo and wedding certificate - which we took with us to Palace Green library in Durham. They're off on holiday for a month on Sunday so it was also a last catch up before they go to sun themselves in Tenerife.

There's so much construction going on in Durham it looks different every time we visit - which is actually quite frequently! We spent a good few hours in the library looking up various distant relatives and a few people for mum's new book before dragging our exhausted brains to the nearest shop for a much needed sugar boost!

I've been pretty proud of myself this week, getting up every day and going out and doing things. Mostly down to the tireless efforts of mum wafting cups of tea under my nose in the morning,., for which I am very thankful! When she goes back to work she'll find me floundering in bed at 5pm waiting to be fed!

As well as all the outside stuff, I've also been doing a lot of reading. I wanted to read more this year and I'm currently ploughing my way through the Odd Thomas series by Dean Koontz. I don't want to blow any minds but I can't even remember the last time I switched on Netflix!

I'm a fan of Koontz but I find him a little hit and miss at times. The first book I read of his, Velocity, I absolutely adored. It was taut and strange and wonderful. However, when I tried to read Shattered I had to leave it halfway because the sinister axe murderer was so boring! Everyone I've spoken to who is familiar with his work seems to agree that there's a huge difference in standard in his books so you have to be a bit careful which one you pick up. I actually had to google him to find the title Shattered as it left such a passive impression on me I'd already forgotten it's name!

Odd Thomas, I'm glad to say, falls into the better half of his collection. I'd seen the film a few years ago and didn't connect it to the author that I'd read until much later. I've just started Odd Interlude which is set between books four and five in the series (it was released as an e-book as a kind of teaser to get fans excited for the next proper sequel) and I'm thoroughly enjoying the journey. 

When you just wanna read and hold a banana in the air in peace

but your mum insists on photographing you

I find it interesting that though Odd (that's his actual name which I love!) is psychic and it is a story about ghosts and mystical weird things, it's sort of... 90% real world thriller with a little sprinkling of supernatural. There aren't werewolves and vampires and witches and whatever else. Odd has his - rather limited - abilities and there are ghosts he can see... but that's it. It's kind of a thriller version of Sixth Sense with a lot of humour and sweetness. The tone is light and playful, like a friend telling an anecdote and the way he looks at ghosts and the afterlife is comforting and kind, despite the often tense and action packed nature of the stories. Koontz has a way with words and oftentimes I have to reread a section because he has described something so beautifully that even the most mundane of thoughts becomes becomes poetry. Those every day thoughts we all have are transformed in his hands into something magical and, because those thoughts had occurred to you too, that magic becomes yours as well. I'm really looking forward to seeing where the story goes and there's something so refreshing about a protagonist who is so unfailingly sweet and respectful to everyone he meets. More people should be like that.

Today, we went to a big warehouse full of knock off Argos stuff (the stuff they can no longer sell in store) though, interestingly, nowhere does it say Argos but every product has the unmistakable number sticker on it. We went with the hope of finding me a bed that won't flay me in my sleep but there wasn't that much choice... apparently there's a website with way more choice though so I may keep my skin yet!

We have a few tentative plans for tomorrow but with Storm Doris on the way to scupper them, I'm not really sure what we'll be getting up to. I guess you'll have to find out next week!

Xx

15.02.17

Hello all!

Well, once again I'm a teeeeeensy bit late but I just had a 26 hour sleep attack so I think you can let me off, right? I didn't sleep the whole 26 hours but I can't imagine Mel's last few hours visiting were quite as exuberantly fun as the rest of the week! I've written rather a lot that doesn't correlate with any photos so while you're reading I will be liberally sprinkling random photos throughout.

I don't think I really explained much about the whole uni process last post, so I want to start by going into a bit more about that. Basically, pretty much the whole application/signing up process is done via UCAS now which makes things a lot easier to keep track of but has the drawback of being a little... too efficient?

Possibly my most popular selfie

When I first signed up three of my five choices gave me a very definitive 'no' within about 36 hours so I honestly wasn't holding out much hope of making it in anywhere. Then, miracle of miracles, I got into St Mary's pretty much as soon as they met me and I absolutely love it there! But now I'm the one keeping them waiting as I haven't received a response from uni number five and can't do anything about loans or accommodation or, well, anything, until they get back to me.

I'm getting a bit stressy about it because I'm sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know at least part of this is due to my MH issues and paranoia but when I did the OU a couple of years ago I encountered so many ridiculous red tape problems that I actually had to apply three times before finally getting on a course.

Then after that, the modules for English Literature included maths and mechanics and I kind of lost my enthusiasm for it. I'm sure they're both fine subjects in their own right but certainly not what I signed up for!

Couldn't resist getting this...

I've always had a bit of resentment for people who attend/have been to university. This isn't their fault at all, but due to dropping out of college and feeling like my entire world had collapsed around my ears after being assaulted, it seemed like my chance at further education had been stolen from me which made me jealous of everyone who managed to go.

While not entirely inaccurate I think it's a sign of how far I've come recently that I can admit that not everything was S's fault and that I was struggling with my mental health and other things before that. I don't know if I would have dropped out without that final push, but I certainly wouldn't have been the best pupil Leeds had ever seen.

Cute gift from Mel

Learning to accept the blame for my setbacks, and also accepting that it doesn't make me a total failure as a human, has been... well somewhat of a phenomenon as far as I'm concerned. I've always seen everything as rather black and white - every mark lost in an exam is a failure, regardless of the over all grade being an A. I would cry in lessons if I didn't understand something as it clearly meant I was an idiot and not fit enough to go to school at all. Again, this is partly due to the way I look at things, but I also think the way schools treat 'gifted' children is setting them up for a fall. I know I'm not alone in suddenly reaching a point where I have to revise and study and being completely perplexed about what I'm supposed to do and what I did 'wrong' to get to this point.

Phew, that was a lot more than I anticipated I'd write!

Cute gift from me!

Speaking of S, I had a super fun day when Instagram told me I should follow them as 30 of the people I know already do. That was a punch to the gut. It really pulls the rug out from under you when you spend years building a safe space for yourself only to find it was so much easier to pull the walls down than you'd thought. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone, the people around me all swore they believed me about S so either they were lying or just didn't care. Of course, it wasn't nearly as bad as all that, and once I'd calmed down I just unfollowed the problem people and stopped being suspicious of everyone else. It took me about a day to get there but this time last year I'd have been a wreck for weeks over the same thing.

Anyway, onto what I actually did this week!

On Sunday, we went to Stanhope Old Hall for Peter's birthday. We'd been there before a few years ago, which I vaaaaaguely remember but they've renovated since then (under new ownership). It was a very cosy escape from the snow and we sat by the fire playing with my cousin as we waited to be seated. He's getting so clever, it's really amazing. Mum was mixing up some coasters (face down) and asking him to find the owl and he worked it out nearly every time. He's pretty good at counting now, and his speech is getting clearer every single time I see him.

[CN: food]

We had a gorgeous Sunday dinner (I had the pork but others got chicken & beef) and I finally tried scallops in a really interesting starter with black pudding & potato. I managed to force down a delicious sticky toffee pudding as well.

I felt a bit sorry for the waiter. She was about 16 and apparently the only one in the whole building. She was running around the whole restaurant trying to serve everyone at once and had to keep going to get the chef to help because she wasn't allowed to serve alcoholic drinks!

Between courses, mum and I entertained my cousin with Operation - Cars edition. I'm not sure he entirely grasped the concept as he was trying to make it buzz as often as possible but he was having a whale of a time so we let him off. He also got a gummy snake from the chef for being so well behaved despite having a cold!

Nana rang in advance to say it was her husband's birthday and at the end of the meal we were presented with a huge chocolate cake which was covered in a ganache that would have pleased Mary Berry with it's sheen.

[/CN]

It's been a very busy week, as on Monday I braved the buses alone to get to Durham and pick up Mel who was visiting for Valentine's Day. I was shaking with nerves but it helped to focus on the fact Mel would be lost if I didn't go to her instead of thinking about my own fears. It also helped that bus prices have rocketed so I could concentrate on complaining about that!

The biggest calming factor, however, was this adorable bundle of joy I met while waiting at the bus stop. He's called Sweep and I have never been happier to have my tights mauled and muddied! His owner seemed strangely surprised that a cocker spaniel puppy would be full of energy but I was more than happy to let him chew my fingers and tangle me up in his lead.

I leapt on Mel as she got off the coach and we set off for Dark Matter Café which is a lovely little nerd haven in Durham that sells great snacks, Pokémon cards & comics as well as having various tournaments and games nights during the week. I'm ashamed to say I've only been twice - both times with Mel - but we love it there. It's very comfy and I felt right at home in my Attack on Titan jacket.

[CN: food]

We had some delicious milkshakes - banoffee for me, Nutella for Mel - and a delightful snack of pancakes and waffles respectively. I was a bit unimpressed by Death by Pancake being two pancakes given that I once managed a hefty thirteen in one sitting (ah, growth spurts) but the generous drizzle of white chocolate, chocolate, caramel and... possibly some other sauce was definitely more than enough sugar for me!

[/CN]

That night, we went out to the park near my house and waited for Valentine's day on the swings watching the stars. We're so disgusting, aren't we? To balance it out, we got completely covered in mud and nearly fell off a zipline in pitch darkness before I flinged her onto the roundabout and blinded her with the camera flash. Much better.

It wasn't too cold when we went out but it took us a few hours to reheat when we finally came back indoors. The cat was most unimpressed as we sat shivering under a blanket with the fire on... oh who am I kidding? She loved it!

*Jaws theme*

Tuesday was The Big Day and we headed off to the Metrocentre for a sickeningly cute day together. It was a pretty successful trip by all accounts - free choccies from Virgin trains, we took over two gyms (though got kicked out about 30 seconds later!) and I got let off an extra train ticket when I accidentally left my railcard at home. Sweet!

[CN: food]

Once we arrived, we headed over to Yo! Sushi for lunch and ate our weight in maki as well as some lovely hot dishes and miso soup. It's only a little branch at the Metro but I've never been disappointed - unlike a much larger branch we once went to in St Pancras! The woman who seated us forgot about us (she seemed to be doing about 300 things at once bless her) so someone else came to serve us. We had a chat about Pokémon Go and he told us we could charge our phones while we ate! Superb.

[/CN]

After eating (and farming the nearby Pokéstop), we went to Shakeaholic for some more milkshake. We hadn't planned to have so much in two days but I wanted to take Mel here as it's one of those shops that has 400 different flavours to choose from! I got cookie dough and Mel tried a very unusual Refreshers and we both got popping candy on top because we are grown ups. I did notice you could get both Marmite and ketchup milkshakes which I kind of want to try for the novelty but... no.

We headed off to Primarni as Mel wanted to check out some new Harry Potter cushions. Alas, we couldn't find them anywhere but we got the cute tops that I posted above as well as some nice boxers that I can just about get over my knees. Sizing in Primark is bloody awful. We also popped into Argos, on the off chance they had some Potter cushions. They didn't but they did have a HP Trivial Pursuit which neither of us could resist.

Next stop was the arcade where we spent a happy few hours driving, shooting and generally causing mayhem. Mel turned out to be exceptionally good at the driving games and I at the dino-hunting. We earned a few tickets (you know those 'congrats, you won 50 tickets, only 40,000 more to get a pencil!' types) and gave them to some kids who were desperately trying to land a miniscule packet of sweets with their booty.

The couple that slays together, stays together.

Mission complete, we got picked up by mumsy (via the sweetshop, as she demanded refreshment) and en route shared a romantic kiss on the escalator. Pro tip: do not kiss on the escalator unless you want an electric shock to the face. I should also say a big thank you to nana who got me an intu giftcard which made this all possible!

I was totally spoiled rotten this V-day as Mel got me my fave smelly - Black XS 'for him' - as well as one of my fave films on dvd, a super soft Slytherin blankie and lanyard, a Platform 9 3/4 poster & a lil box full of cute messages. I, on the other hand, made her a bracelet out of some thread.

That night, after I thrashed both Mel & mum at HP trivia, we continued Mel's LOTR education with The Two Towers. I was so excited about this as this is my favourite of the trilogy. Anyone who doesn't think the battle of Helm's Deep is a cinematic masterpiece doesn't deserve to watch films. Ever. LOTR is so special to me, it really means a lot that Mel is willing to sit down and watch them just for me, as well as listen to the thousand pieces of trivia I throw at her at any given opportunity.

On Wednesday, I dragged Mel out of bed and into dad's car to Meet the Family. It was kind of a big deal to me as though dad has introduced me to his side of the family and lots of his friends, Mel is the first to meet him from my life. Thirty seconds in, dad was effing and blinding about his troll of a car and I saw Mel visibly relax as it turned out he was exactly how I'd described him!

It was also the first time I'd worn a binder in front of him (and later mum), or indeed in The Naaaarth, so that was a bit nerve wracking but I did it! I also decided to give myself a bit of a fauxhawk because why not.

We spent the day chatting and joking and introducing Mel to the menagerie, including some guinea pigs who I'd never met before. For those of you wondering about Blinky he made a full recovery and is back with his feathery family. Mel also introduced us to face swapping which is one of the most hideous creations I've ever seen!

Meet Willow; the lesbian, pagan, technogeek guinea pig

After lunch, we went to my nana D's house and sat and stared in horror at Judge Rinder for an hour. Honestly, what kind of program is that?! I filled nana in on my uni plans before heading home for a doctor's appointment.

Unfortunately, not everything was happy fun times this week and we left Mel with Shinx as I went to the doctor's for a new sick note. The only way to get an appointment now is to line up outside the doctor's before they open and beg the secretarys to have mercy. Mum had kindly volunteered herself for this task that morning and managed to get an appointment. We'd asked for a doctor because we needed a sick note but the secretary insisted the nurse practitioner would be able to deal with it. We were both a bit sceptical as this is not the first time we've had this problem but after arguing for ten minutes mum gave up and agreed to see the practitioner with me.

We were greeted by a very friendly woman who listened to what we had to say and offered to sort out a sick note for the following day. Mum explained we needed it that day as we'd gotten a letter at the last minute from ESA which kind of put us in a bind and that we'd already explained this while making the appointment.

Apparently, this is when Mr Hyde took over as her head spun around 360 degrees and she burnt my shoes with flames from her nostrils. She shouted at us for a good five minutes and demanded to know which idiot had given us this appointment and how ridiculous it all was and yelled some more when mum explained the only way to get an appointment was to drive up and beg instead of phoning. The lines open at 8am and by 10 past all the appointments have gone. And heaven forbid you attempt to book in advance.  I don't think she was exactly blaming us but we were unfortunately getting the brunt of her anger as we were in the room with her.

I always feel incredibly anxious when going to the doctor's and I could feel myself shrinking further and further into the seat as she continued her rant. She did do her best though, and booked us in with the on call doctor to hopefully get a sick note there and then (while letting us know she was going to murder the secretary).

We sprinted out of the room as fast as we could and back to the waiting room. After another ten minutes or so we got to see the doctor. She looked over my notes and asked why the nurse couldn't sign the sick note. She didn't seem to understand that practitioners can't sign them and acted as though she was deliberately being awkward by not doing so? It was a little worrying that mum and I knew more about the system than she did... she seemed rather reluctant to sign anything but eventually caved. This was still far better thanow the practitioner who insists there's nothing wrong with me at all! 

Finally, we escaped, note in hand, and headed home for a much needed cuddle and a hot chocolate. When mum went to bed, Mel and I snuggled up to watch Odd Thomas which was always a good film in my eyes but I like it even more now that I know it is very true to the book (minus Oz who has gone from friendly uncle genius writer type to one liner... welder?). I wanted Mel to see it because I thought she'd love the relationship between Odd and Stormy. They are very good for each other.

We retired to bed and spent a good hour asking each other silly questions - 'what's your favourite..?' and FMKs galore.

Thursday was very hard as I woke up and my brain immediately decided that consciousness was not an option that day. Somehow, I managed to get the bus with Mel and make sure she made it to the coach alright (via Gregg's) before coming home, collapsing into bed and sleeping for roughly 20 hours.

The best part of saying goodbye was looking up just as Mel was about to step on the coach to see mum running down the street, arms wide, and pulling her into a big hug. Hilarious and adorable all in one.

It's mum's half term holidays next week, just in time for the Johto update on Pokémon Go so I imagine there will be much fun and walking to be had in next week's blog.

Thanks for your patience and understanding about my lateness and I'll see you next time!

Post-fauxhawk weirdness

Xx

08.02.17

Hello all!

I apologise for the lateness of this week's entry but I didn't get home until after 10 last night and I was exceptionally sleepy. If it helps, I've done absolutely nothing today except catch a Lickitung so it's almost as if I'm posting on time anyway!

So, I suppose I should start off with the Big News I was hinting at on Twitter, and with this news, I owe you an apology. To some I lied, to some a simply omitted the truth but I had very good reason and I think when you find out why you will forgive me. Ok... here we go...

Hawke is going to university!!! Amazing, right? So that audition I had on Tuesday was at St Mary's for a place to study with them and today I found out that they want me there. I'm so happy!

The reason I didn't mention it earlier was because when I first applied I was immediately rejected by three different universities for not having any A Levels. It seemed pointless to tell people I was applying if all five were just going to dismiss me outright. And then, of course, there's the whole awkward conversation you have to have 100 times if you don't get in which I just wasn't ready to deal with. But I did get in so suck on that paranoia!

I'm still waiting to hear back from UAL but I really liked the course and campus at St Mary's so it would probably take something pretty special for me to go there instead (assuming they offer me a place!) - I'm talking chocolate fountain and nipple tassel levels of special. The staff were all super nice and everything is ornate and pretty which helps! True, it's not exactly central London but it's a two minute walk from the train station and a damn sight closer than where I am now!

It was certainly an interesting day, I barely slept the night before but managed to drag my knackered carcass out of bed in time for a 10:30 bus followed by three trains and a brief stint on the tube. I got to my 5pm (yes it really took me that long!) audition and met a lovely group of people who were also hoping to impress.

We were told to wear loose fitting clothes that we could move about in so I opted for my new camo yoga pants since exercise is kind of their whole point. I tell you what though, after crossing London feeling like I'd forgotten to put my trousers on and my arse was hanging out, I have a whole new respect for people who voluntarily wear leggings! You people are braaaaave!

Put my leggings on in the bogs like the classy bitch I am

Once at the audition, we had a group warm up with one of the lecturers which was a lot of fun. Everyone else there was 18/19 and at one point one of the cheeky gits called me 'nan'! They were a nice bunch though so I'll be pleased if I see any of them in September. We also played knee tag (hit your opponent's knees, protect your own) but I had to graciously bow out of that one with my weird dislocatey joints.

I was interviewed by Dan - the same lecturer - who I found out is also from Durham, what a coincidence! I babbled on about how much I love acting and words and... well all the usual stuff I rabbit on about on here, really! I also handed in my review on Alan Cumming, which you can read here if you're interested.

After that came my audition. It wasn't my best performance ever but I think I did alright and Trevor, another lecturer, gave me some great feedback. He advised that sitting down for auditions wasn't always a good idea because it limits movement, but he also said it was a good choice for my character. He told me I performed well but rushed over the middle syllables of longer words which I totally agree with, damn Northern accent!

Audition done with, I headed back into town to meet up with Cazz for a well earned pint and catch up! I had a minor fail on the train as there were two hugely helpful tannoy announcements that were heard before every stop that sounded a little like this:

'THE NEXT STOP IS . PLEASE ENSURE YOU HAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU.'

'This is your train driver speaking, I'm not even going to tell you where we are because none of you can hear me anyway. I'm so lonely.'

So because of that I managed to miss my stop but the lovely staff at Waterloo let me out anyway. I leapt from the tube and into Cazz's arms and hugged her so tight I may have broken a rib. It was such an intense mix of emotions seeing her again - we spent all of our time together and then I didn't see her for seven months and then there she is again! It was a really joyous moment and it stuck with me because it was so... strong. There was no 'yes I'm happy, but...' it was a pure feeling, not tainted by any mental health issues or sleep deprivation or anything else. I think that might be the first time I've really felt something in twelve years. Sure, I feel joy and happiness sometimes but it's always kicked to one side by something nasty in my brain. For the first time in over a decade I feel like I might be beating it.

We went to the Midland Hotel for a few pints and a good giggle with the regulars. Cazz has been working there for a while now and she loves it, it's easy to see why.

[food]

We ordered pizza and snacks while we drank and got a free chocolate cake with it! On the way home we stocked up on a few more drinks and far more food than I'd normally be able to eat. Something about movie nights with Cazz always encourages us to eat a ridiculous amount of grot. We got sweets, popcorn, cheesy crisp thingies, maltesers... I'm probably forgetting something... basically, there was a lot. Even my bottomless pit of a stomach struggled with this lot and I still felt full when I went to bed last night, a whole 24 hours later! Though I did manage to force down a Big Mac while waiting for my train home...

We had planned to play Discworld but unfortunately it has disappeared into the recesses of Cazz's bedroom so instead we had a movie night and I rewatched Some Guy Who Kills People and Hurricane Bianca because Cazz hadn't seen either and I pride myself on being able to pick films that my friends will love. I've seen Some Guy a decent handful of times now but I'm still not over Barry Bostwick singing Chasin' the Dance in his car on the way to a brutal murder. Incredible.

I had a bit of a wait for the train at King's Cross so after my exquisite Maccy D's, I went and took over the gym for good measure. Well, I say 'took over', what actually happened was I trained a bit then stuck the strongest remaining Pokémon in the spare slot.

I also sent in a video audition for UAL this week, which was a bloody pain to record let me tell you. My tablet refused to stand up, mum's camera ran out of battery halfway through, my camera completely refused to switch on and in the end I had to use my phone so the sound quality is terrible. Oh, and I had to use this as a 'stand'...

I managed to lose my voice after three hours of yelling but I think the final video is pretty solid. I tried a slightly different look than usual with my eyeliner but I'm not even sure you can tell after all the effort I went to!

The liner is actually a completely straight line but my brow is quite pronounced so it always ends up looking curvy like this. Still looked cute tho. Hopefully I'll hear from them soon.

You may have noticed that my hair is back to being dark again after all the effort I went to with bleaching it. The initial blue totally failed and after some extensive Googling it looked like the only places that sold good bright dyes (Manic Panic, Directions, Stargazer etc) were all an hour away. Mum offered to drive me, bless her heart, but I decided to just leave it for the time being and go back to my Cosmic Blue. I did get a nice cut just before I went down to St Mary's though, must have been my good luck charm!

This may not seem very interesting to you but it's kind of a big deal. If this had happened to me a few months ago, I would have had a complete breakdown because clearly the world hates me and nothing ever goes right and why do I even bother? I didn't do any of those things. I thanked mum for offering to help and I left it at that. I didn't cry. I didn't panic. I didn't give up. I just moved on. I don't know if I've ever been able to do that before since my depression started. I'm proud of myself, I've come so bloody far!

It's been a bit of a bittersweet moment getting into uni. I applied to drama schools when I was 21 and my aunt Vic was so supportive and helpful. She let me stay with her, she gave me some money for train journeys, she organised a friend of hers to give me some acting lessons. That's just the kind of person she was, completely selfless and never expecting anything in return. It was just... what you did. You help your family. I wish she was around to see that I finally made it. I couldn't have done it without her. Sure, I failed to get anywhere that time, but without that base to start from I couldn't have done it this time around either. Everything she did for me paid off. Thank you, Vic.

Anyway, after a busy week acting my tiny socks off, I'm happy to be curled up on the couch reading Odd Thomas and holding hands with Shinx. I leave you with this adorable photo and the news that Mel will be coming to visit very soon!

Xx

01.02.17

Hello all!

Second post this week, aren't you lucky! It's been an odd sort of week. My insomnia has been getting gradually worse over the last few months but apparently someone gave it steroids this week and I went four days without sleep! I mean, thankfully I managed to get an hour here and there, but I just couldn't stay asleep. It was very odd. And very tiring. Took a few days of excessive sleep to feel human again, I still felt very weak yesterday - it was almost like like of sleep was reducing the amount of oxygen making it's way to my muscles. Not to mention my eyes were so dry and sore I felt like that cat had licked them or something. Yummy.

Still, sleep issues aside it's been a rather successful week. I finally got to meet the psychiatrist in charge of my care, spent the weekend at my dad's and made a phone call! Sprinkle in the usual forty hours of tv/gaming and we have a winner.

For those of you who don't know, I have severe telephobia which developed when I was sixteen and living in Leeds. The only people who ever called me were my landlords asking for money even though they knew I received my rent in arrears from housing benefit. It was pointless and stressful and after only a few months I couldn't answer the phone at all without giving myself a panic attack. It's been eight years since then, obviously my other mental health issues exacerbated things significantly.

I was told by my Care Co-ordinator that I was eligible for PIP (Personal Independence Payment) but the only way to get it was to make a phone call. I probably shouldn't admit this online but usually mum will pretend to be me, or I will yell in the general direction of the phone that I give permission for her to speak on my behalf. I suppose because I've been slowly battling my depression and anxiety for a few months now far more successfully than ever before, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and give it a go.

This is a great campaign on Instagram at the moment

A lot of people on the autism spectrum have difficulty with phone calls as we find it difficult to know when/how to respond etc when we have no visual clues. I'm sure others have many other reasons for their difficulties but it's pretty common for the two things to go hand in hand. Thankfully, I knew basically what questions I would be asked (name, address, bank etc etc) so I felt I was prepared as I possibly could be for my first call.

It lasted about fifteen minutes, I accidentally interrupted her a few times and kept giving mum a panic stricken 'help!' look when she asked me a question I didn't know the answer to, but I bloody well did it! I was sweating and shaking like a leaf by the time I hung up and the nausea was... rather unpleasant to say the least. Not to mention, I was gripping the phone so hard I honestly thought I would crush it like Giles did in the Buffy episode where he's a Fyaarl demon.

Mummy saved the day though, and went out and bought me beer and choccies as a reward for a job well done. Isn't she sweet? Speaking of mum, I have some... pending news that I hope to reveal in the next few weeks. Ooooh cryptic. With any luck, you'll find out soon enough... and so will she!

So, back to the psychiatrist. Mum and I were pretty annoyed that this bloke we'd never met seemed to be totally in charge of my care and no one else could do anything without his permission, which he couldn't give because he was never bloody around. We had a meeting with him on Dec 22nd but that was cancelled cue to him needing an operation - can't really hold that against him!

On the 27th, I finally got my meeting with him and found out I have actually met him before. In 2011. Using one meeting from six years ago as a template for my care now is like trying to perform surgery on a chicken after having practiced on a coconut!

Back in July when I re-re-re-restarted my healthcare plan, I was told I'd be getting some form of therapy at some point. Since then, no one has even mentioned it so I brought that up with the doc and he asked a few questions about my day to day struggles and did this super weird thing... he actually, like, listened to me? Over the years I've easily had 20 psychologists, councillors, therapists etc etc and he is honestly the first one to listen to what I have to say and respond with a plan that is actually relevant! Miracle!

I told him the problems I've been having with getting medication - only getting a fortnight's script at a time and that only after I fight tooth and nail for it - and he seemed completely nonplussed as to why the GPs refuse to give me meds without his permission. He wrote a not on my records telling them to stop being knobs and gave me a whole month's script (at the correct dose and everything!) without batting an eyelash so hopefully that will all be sorted now.

I'm scheduled to see him again in about 3 weeks to see where we're going with my therapy - between now and then he's having a meeting with the head of the dissociation based therapy to see what's best for me. It's been six months since I started this round, and about 12 years since we first started looking for help, and that forty minutes was honestly more useful than the entire rest of the time combined. I cannot begin to describe what a relief it was to find a doctor who really listened and believed me. He didn't try to push me back onto the therapist I had in 2015 who laughed when I tried to come out as trans (which three other people did), and he's also the first one who didn't confused my age with my IQ and speak to me like I was a naughty toddler. I'm about ready to propose tbh.

When mum got back from work, we had a little trip out to the shops. I got my prescription and found two bottles of nail polish for £1! Bargain. I also found a nice camo pair of yoga pants which I very much enjoy wearing, even if the amount of exercise I've actually done in them is... rather minimal.

Wedge of Lime & Foggy London 

The next day, I went to my dad's house to stay over and see my sister Nataly the following day. Growing up thinking I was an only child and then suddenly having 5 siblings was quite a shock to the system, as you might imagine. I'm getting to know Nataly pretty well now and I think I'm kind of a good influence on her in terms of having an older family member who survived school etc, especially given that she's just as nerdy as I am. It's a little strange thinking that someone looks up to me as a cool older sibling - well, maybe not 'cool' but you get the idea - but I'm really enjoying spending time with her, especially if I am in some way helping her gain confidence in herself as a young adult.

This is Blinky. Dad found this lil jackdaw lying around looking a bit dazed recently and decided to take him home. He appears to be blind in one eye and one wing is injured. Dad is helping him regain his strength and if he can't survive on his own anymore, he will eventually be moved out to the allotment (and a bigger cage, of course) where he can meet the chickens! This may seem like a strange thing to do to you, but having known my dad for eight years now, I' more surprised when I visit and he hasn't got a new animal to play with!

We got a nice bottle of fortified wine and I annoyed the cats while we watched the darts. Poor Susan hasn't been doing so well lately, she's really been through the ringer with various illnesses so it was really nice to spend a little time with her out and about as we mooched through the charity shops and bought matching bracelets. I also snaffled a copy of Odd Thomas for 60p!

This was night three of no sleep. I managed to get about 45 minutes before waking up like I'd had a full 8. I wouldn't mind so much except after the first hour of being 'awake' I'm bloody knackered again but unable to fall asleep again. On the plus side, I have been having some cracking conversations with Jim. It's been pretty good getting to know him more and having a laugh with him.

The trials and tribulations of autocorrect and their lack of swears

At about 5 am I decided to give up on trying to sleep and perused Netflix. I stumbled across a film called Golden Years which has almost every British actor over the age of 50 in it, which is right up my street. It's a very pleasant English comedy, think Keeping Mum meets The Italian Job with a solid script. It's very easy going and a bit daft, perfect for 5am when you don't exactly want to watch Schindler's List! When I got home I sat down with mum and watched it again. She's a picky bugger when it comes to tv and film so it's always a bit of an event when I finally find something she'll like! Simon Callow absolutely stole the show as a West Country luvvie who had clearly been Tango'd, though I should warn you he likes to flash his arse in everything and this is no exception!

I am rather enjoying this current trend of OAP comedy that we have in Britain, it's a good start turning the tides against how ageist the film industry is, especially for women! We still have a long way to go - I mean, we can't just stick everyone in a light hearted comedy when they're 'past it', but it's the first step.

The next day, Nataly landed jet propelled by her boundless energy, as always. She talked our ears off about anything and everything - in a very pleasant way! - and we watched some terrible films on the Syfy channel.

It was a lovely way to spend the weekend, and I look forward to next time. It's also the first time anyone in person has called me Hawke and I can't begin to explain how good that felt. I love my mum and she'd never deliberately hurt me but she just doesn't understand this part of my life at all, so to hear my dad casually refer to me by my chosen name was like... a pleasant punch in the gut? I also managed to snaffle a hoody out of it, which is great since my last one got nicked!

Over the past few weeks I have been watching Being Human. I started watching it a few years ago and lost the will a bit by season... 3? For whatever reason, I decided to give it another go as I was determined to finish it. Some parts I did enjoy but for the most part the spoilers below are going to be a little... ranty.

[Spoilers]

So, for those of you who don't know, Being Human is sort of a supernatural Friends until suddenly you click onto the next episode and it turns into Saw with basically no warning. They can't seem to decide on a tone and it bounces back and forth every few episodes from utterly depressing to quirky comedy. Some of the acting and subplots are pretty interesting: I absolutely adore Nina who does not have time for your patriarchal bullshit and will shut you down. George is pretty adorable and it's refreshing to see a 'monster' who's a mild mannered, shy genius. They do kind of ruin the effect somewhat when they nick half of his character traits and copy and paste it onto someone else later in the series.

The plot is holier than the Pope in a sieve, especially when they backtrack on previously established lore to make new storylines work. It gets to the point where people are coming back from the dead completely willy nilly and then they introduce time travel which is difficult enough to tackle for even the most seasoned sci-fi writers. I can barely get my head around the time travel in Prisoner of Azkaban and that's about as simple as it can get. My problem with it is that they get back to the hospital just as the other them go back in time, creating a loop. Presumably this means that ten, twenty years in the future, there is still a little bubble of time somewhere where Harry is perpetually thirteen and fighting dementors. And that fucks with my head. I mean, it's kind of nice in a way to know that he is always going to be having that heart to heart with Sirius, but even so.

Now, if you thought that was confusing try this on for size: baby Eve grows up, kills herself to go back in time and kill herself as a baby. How? How the fuck can you even pretend that would work? It is literally impossible for her to succeed because if she does then her adult self no longer exists, therefore no one goes back in time to kill her baby self, therefore she grows up anyway, therefore ow my head hurts. It makes no sense.

The whole point of this clusterfuck of a plot is that her death will bring about the end of the vampires. Finally they succeed and the vampires- no, wait, they carry on as they always have and it's never mentioned again. Alrighty then. I mean, sure, some of the head honcho vampires get killed but that's probably slightly more to do with the big fuck off bomb than the ~prophecy~. Oh, and she manages to alter certain parts of the past without actually doing anything, which presumably would mean that it was going to happen that way anyway but they pretended it didn't for... dramaticness?

You can kind of understand why everyone except Lenora decided not to come back for that season. I can only assume most people dropped out after they'd finished shooting the previous season as everyone has mysterious off-screen deaths which have to be shoehorned into the conversation in the first episode to explain their absence. Even Lee Ingleby who is brought in for 30 seconds right at the end of S3 to be the next Big Bad but then 'oh he's dead now btw.'

Still, the thing that bugs me most is actually something else entirely - the writing. I'll give you a brief overview of Seasons 1 & 5, see if you can see what my problem is.

Season 1: Annie, Mitchell & George - a ghost, vampire and werewolf respectively, live in a house together where Annie and Mitchell have a romantic relationship. Mitchell is an old vampire who used to be Evil McEvil until he gave up drinking blood, now another vampire wants to do The Apocalypse and has decided out of the hundreds of vampires in the world he has to have Mitchell back to do his dark bidding.

Season 5: Alex, Hal & Tom - a ghost, vampire and werewolf respectively, live in a house together where Alex and Hal have a romantic relationship. Hal is an old vampire who used to be Evil McEvil until he gave up drinking blood, now another vampire wants to do The Apocalypse and has decided out of the hundreds of vampires in the world he has to have Hal back to do his dark bidding.

I have to say though, Being Human has an absolutely fantastic supporting cast and Phil Davies as a creepy, whispering Satan was inspired. The only part of the whole show that genuinely scared me was when he suddenly looked at Alex (who humans can't see), with pure evil in his eyes. There's something so terrifying about watching him tug at various strings, watching everyone inadvertently do his bidding, gnashing his filthy teeth.

[/spoiler]

Last night, Lily and I watched Hurricane Bianca which is kind of Mrs Doubtfire meets Dangerous Minds, starring Drag Race fave Bianca del Rio. For those au fait with the world of drag there are a lot of familiar faces scattered throughout this daft comedy. It's not the most amazing film in the world but it's funny and easy to watch. I was actually surprised with how... polite? the film was, I was expecting more swears and dirtiness and non-PC jokes but it was pretty safe. Still, it was a nice way to spend the evening and we had a good giggle.

I better leave it at that as I feel like I've written an exorbitant amount this week!

Xx