Once again, I'm prefacing my blog by having a moan because I'm very sleepy so I probably won't be writing too much as I'm kind of struggling to stay awake. It's been a bit of a rough week and I have to admit to staying on the couch feeling sorry for myself for several days, so I don't have all that much to write about anyway.
Dr Walker gave me some meds to help with my sleep but as yet they remain unopened. Yes, I've been having a lot of problems, but for once I've been managing to fall asleep alright. The problem is staying asleep. I keep walking up after 3/4 hours and then not being able to drift off again. At this point, I don't really want to try sleeping pills because I worry that taking one at 4am will mean I'm out cold for the rest of the day which kind of defeats the object. I suppose at least I'm getting an hour or two here and there but it means I'm just drifting through the day because I'm not alert enough to get anything done! Nightmare.
Spent a lot of this week in my jimmies
On top of this, I've been having a bit of a relapse depression-wise which came completely out of the blue and lasted for several days. I think I'm coming out of it now but it was such a strange dip it was almost made worse because I was so frustrated by how random it was! All I know is I felt fine - not manically, deliriously happy - just fine and calm, I went for a bath and by the time I came out, I was utterly miserable. Apparently my mood went down the drain along with the water...
At least someone's getting some kip!
It was sort of good in a strange way though, as even though I felt utterly despondent and sat sighing heavily on the couch with a face like a slapped arse, I knew that this was all temporary and I would feel better eventually. This may not seem like much but I cannot describe what a novel experience it was! For over ten years I've felt utterly hopeless, never for a second thinking I would one day see the other side of this fugue, just waiting for something to put me out of my misery but now... now I can accept my negative feelings as something temporary and wait for it to pass. This small comfort may not have improved my mood at the time, but knowing this new strength has grown inside me is unbelievably wonderful. For the first time since I was a child, I have genuine hope that I will be ok. Sure, I may not be dancing down the street like the girl from Enchanted but, frankly, that sounds far too exhausting anyway! I'm wildly happy with not being wildly happy. All I can ask for is to be content. And, you know what? I think I will be. Perhaps not every single day, perhaps not even for a while yet, but I will be. I'm getting there. I'm clawing my way out of this one day, one blog post, at a time.
I think I mentioned a few posts back that I've started replaying Darksiders II which I'm still working my way through. I really enjoyed it - it's a nice blend of Lara Croft action-puzzle stuff and Devil May Cry button bashing monster mashing. Fun!
The first time I played, I was ploughing my way through with abandon until I reached a level on earth. I'm not entirely sure what it was, but I never finished that level. Perhaps it was the grim colour scheme, or the sudden ramp up of difficulty, or the lack of puzzle-element, but I completely lost interest and never got round to finishing the game.
When I lived with Cazz, she made full use of my xbox and started playing the game herself. She was really into it and pretty much went through in one hardcore session. Until she got to earth. She made it a little further than I managed before she completely lost interest and never got round to finishing the game. Wait... that sounds eerily familiar...
Anyway, my harddrive was getting a little full so I decided to play through some games and get rid of the ones I wasn't as interested into free up some space. I started Darksiders once more, and my enthusiasm resurfaced as it had before. Great. I got to earth and forced myself to get through it and came out the other side and back into the game proper that I love. Happy days. Then catastrophe struck.
Upon returning to my saved game, the xbox immediately crashed before I could even press 'continue'. This happened again. And again. At first I assumed it was my creaking, aged xbox finally popping it's clogs, and gave it some rest time before trying again. Still nothing. After a month or so, I decided to look online and I discovered this was actually a fairly common bug of the game that has, apparently, just never been fixed! Pages and pages of people complaining about exactly the same issue with the occasional reply from the developers saying 'soz, we're trying' but nothing much of any actual use. It took me a bit of searching but I eventually discovered a way of skipping around the loading screen to continue the game. Hurrah!
Unfortunately, this lazy attitude (there are several bugs in the game but thankfully this is the only one that stops gameplay completely), has rather dampened my enthusiasm. I know I'm inches away from the big boss showdown at the end of the game but I just cannot find the energy to go kick his ass. I'll get to it eventually - I'm determined! - but their negligent development and testing has rather ruined a game I used to really enjoy. All I can say is that I'm glad I got the game for free, unlike the people who first complained five years ago who paid £30+!
Gal pals share nudes
My copy of Syd.31's debut album arrived! Catch them on Spotify!
In other news, I went to see my dad today. He's been a bit snowed under (not literally, unlike me!) with odd jobs for friends and family so I helped him collect a king size bed today which is ironic because I'm currently selling mine! It's a divan bed and half of it fit fine in the back of the car but the other half was just a tiny bit too big so we had a quick detour to get some garden rope and lashed it to the roof instead.
Found this delightful tableau in a charity shop doll house!
Other than that, we had a nice relaxed day just catching up and chugging coffee because neither of us had slept very well. His allotment is coming along nicely now that it's kind of spring and the chickens are laying like the clappers, though one of them is only laying teeny weeny runty eggs about the size of a £2 coin!
You'll be pleased to know that the menagerie is as daft as ever, had a lovely show of the two cats licking each other for an obscenely long time. They're so gay. Poor Batty gets knocked about a bit though, as Mister sometimes forgets he's the size of a tiger!
We have a few plans to do music-related things in the near future so that will be lots of fun! More on that later etc etc.
Now for the big news! Are ya ready, kids? (Aye, aye captain! Ahem, sorry...)
I'm moving house! Just before I bugger off to London, mum and I are upping sticks and moving closer to the city centre. I never knew so much bloody paperwork was involved in buying a house and I'm not looking forward to doing that myself one day (ha! A millenial owning a house. Sure, Jan...). It's a nice size house with bedrooms for me, mum and the cat. Mum's especially excited about the garden space as she studied horticulture at college and has got everything planned to be utterly gorgeous and wildlife friendly. I also got a free pack from 38 Degrees as they're handing out seeds to help the bee population at the moment. If you have a space for some greenery, you should get some too!
Typically, we've ended up having to move the week I'm away at Mel's and getting a new tattoo so that's gonna be a lot of fun! Mind you, mum and I have moved a lot over the years so we've got it down to a fine art. I'm sure we'll manage. Shinx is loving things at the moment, the house is filled with boxes. Whether we bring her deliberately or she packs herself into a box, she's definitely coming with us!
Wish us luck!
Xx
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