09.11.16

Hello all!

It's been a bit of a difficult week, if I'm honest. I didn't get nearly as much done as I'd planned, partly due to cancellations but mostly down to nightmares and depression completely kicking my ass. It's frustrating, let me tell you. I go to sleep thinking about nice things and my brain goes 'well, that's not happening.' I go to sleep thinking about bad things and my brain goes 'well, you deserve this one.' Feeling like your own brain is out to get you isn't easy to deal with.

As I mentioned in a previous post, it's really difficult for me to get up after a nightmare. It's hard to explain and it makes me sound totally lazy but on an average day it can take me around 3 hours to gear myself up to be able to do anything. On a bad day, however... The best way I can describe it is like this: to perform like a normal human you have to be at a 10. Sleep gets you to... maybe a 7 and then you brush your teeth, you have a coffee, you do what you need to do to pick the numbers up. Depression doesn't let you wake up at 7, it knocks you down to a 3, add the nightmares on top of that some days I'm starting at a flat 0. It takes a whole day for me to claw myself up to that 10 and when I look at the time it's 11pm and the day is over. That's part of the reason my sleep pattern is so messed up, I'm scared to go to sleep and throw away all that hard work knowing that I'll have to start all over again the next day. Add to that the narcolepsy, the inability to wake up without help, the immunodeficiency... sleep is tiring work.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that I spent Thursday and Friday in bed feeling like a waste of mattress space. Good times. At least Shinx was there for me!

I also spent most of Tuesday and today in bed but that was down to waking up with the flu and being in lots of pain. Feeling slightly less guilty about that one. I also had a weird illness-induced dream where I was a mix of Gladiator and Dexter-esquire homicide detective stuck in that house from The Collection. Fun! 

On a happier note, it's Trans Awareness Month and you can get this loverly filter for your profile pic on Facebook.

Going back to my week; on Friday I did manage to peel myself away from my duvet eventually because I knew we had a guest coming over. It was so difficult, I could hear myself being a spiky little dickhead to both Michelle (the guest, obviously) and mum and I felt terrible about it but everything I said was just coming out of my mouth with an unpleasant inflection. Tea and pleasant company helped and I think I managed to make myself more amiable by the end of the evening. Oh, there were also cookies... that probably eased my mood somewhat too! Without going into too much detail, because it's not really my business to talk about, Michelle needed a bit of assistance with something and my somewhat extensive (though not nearly as big as it will be in time... ladies) vocabulary hopefully aided the situation. She also turned up with her laundry like a lazy university student! Though, she has been doing her childrens' washing for the past 20+ years, so I guess she earned this one...

On Saturday mum and me went to the Metrocentre to make a start on the dreaded C-word shopping. As far as I'm concerned, the topic should be strictly off limits until December but with presents to send to Lily in America, I have to put a bit of a rush on things.

[CN: food]

I had a delightful Brazilian (made you look! It's a smoothie, you perverts) and introduced mum to the word of the burrito. Mum had chicken and I had steak, much yum though a little too spicy for mum's pathetically feeble taste buds! We also got donuts because... well, you don't need an excuse for donuts.

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Mum and I are both terrible shoppers - I want to go to bed as soon as I even see a shop and mum has such specific ideas about what she wants she rarely ever finds it. By some miracle, we actually had a pretty successful outing this time and aside from a few prezzies, I got me some new headphones and a hat! I got something for Lily and Mel, as well as my little sisters. Just a few more and I'm all done!

Saturday was Bonfire Night/Guy Fawkes Night for those not in the know. We celebrate that time a dude tried to blow shit up by going all Wicker Man on a scarecrow and setting off a ton of fireworks. Violent and pretty, what's not to enjoy? The whole trip home was illuminated with fireworks on all sides, I felt like everyone was cheering us on for not committing murder in the red mall. I've always loved Bonfire Night, standing shoulder to shoulder with 500 strangers in the freezing cold surrounded by the smell of cheap hot dogs is so much more fun than it sounds! Besides, who doesn't love drawing love hearts in the air with flaming sticks of death?

On Sunday we received summons from nana due to technical difficulties. I'm always happy of help, of course, but they have far too much faith in my very limited knowledge of technology! Luckily, it was as simple as a virus sweep this time but I'm not looking forward to the day I have to explain that I can't fix it! Payment came in the former of a delightful Sunday dinner. When I was little I genuinely thought nana and Peter (her husband) were chefs because so gooooooood. After being fed and watered (well, beered), Peter showed us his new toy which he bought for my cousin who is currently obsessed with stars. The garden of nana's house backs onto a sprinkling of trees and Peter's new laser light illuminates them all with thousands of little white sparkles. It's actually become a bit of a local attraction with people trying to work out what the lights are - glowworms are a popular theory - and where they came from - aliens are also a common mention. I did try to take a photo but it failed spectacularly. Still, very fun to watch and easy enough to Google if you're curious.

It's been a bit of a week for weather, we had to take a huge detour on the way home due to the rain flooding the roads, and today we have snow! I have a theory that the election has sparked the beginning of an apocalypse scenario à la The Road. That's all I have to say on the subject, everyone else has already said it far better than I ever could and all that's left for me to add is that I'm so sorry and please stay safe.

I've started a weekly movie night with Mel and Lily, well movie nights since it's two days, and we've had pretty much every problem imaginable from crashing computers to Netflix choosing that day to take something down but this week I managed to watch Tank Girl and I Love You Philip Morris. Both films I've seen before but I was surprised how differently I received the latter this time around. Hashtag maturity. I wonder what we'll watch next time!

The reason I kept that so brief is that I'm also still ploughing my way through Dexter and I feel a bit of a review coming on. I'm nearly finished season 6 and I was surprised to discover that season 5 had been completely erased from my memory. I'd love forgotten about the walling disaster that is Joey Quinn. What an absolute wander. I think we're supposed to like him at times but what an entitled little bitch. He calls Christine his girlfriend to get sex then ignores her the rest of the time, he all but stalks Deb to get her to be with him when she makes it clear she's not interested and then when she finally does date him he asks her to marry him and throws a tantrum when she doesn't obediently say yes! He even uses the fantastically original 'you're not like other girls' line on her and does his best of guilt her into being with him. Nope.

[TW: rape]

But what I really want to talk about is Lumen, played by the wonderfully talented Julia Stiles. If you haven't seen it, suffice it to say that season 5 is brutal. It is also one of the most respectful and tasteful portrayals of rape I have ever seen. Don't get me wrong, the screams of horror and agony are harrowing and will stay with you. However, this is one of two pieces of media I can think of (the other being the incredible American Mary) where there is no sexualisation of the attack. I can't tell you how sickened I am by movies where we're meant to enjoy those scenes because breasts, or where it's used to teach a bitch to be nicer, or - and I'm looking at you here, Ryan Murphy - 'hmm I want extra shock value that doesn't add a single iota of value to the story as a whole... let's stick in some rape.' The latter especially makes me so angry.

Dexter doesn't shy away from the subject matter, or the subsequent suffering of Lumen as a survivor, but we barely see any of the actual attack taking place. There are glimpses but even those are brief and don't rely on any of the ploys I mentioned before. It's incredibly uncomfortable and nausea-inducing to watch but for the right reasons. You feel for Lumen, you empathise with the fear, the helplessness, the pain. And let's be honest, murdering and chopping up the people who assaulted you? Incredibly satisfying. It's not perfect, by any means, but it's rare example of how such a difficult topic can, and should, be handled.

[/TW]

I'm other entirely sure what my plans are for next week but it will include MasterChef if mum has anything to do with it!

Xx