This week has been a bit of a steady slide down into the depths of misery which has been so fun. I don't know what it is exactly but I've just been so... tired. Not physically (like usual, although yes, physically as well) but emotionally. I'm too tired to enjoy things like I normally would and at my worst I even felt like I was right back to how I felt a year ago.
Foreman Shinxy helping me put together my new bed!
In terms of actual tiredness, Sunday was by far the worst. Mum woke me up because I wanted to go shopping with her just to get out of the house. It took me about an hour to get myself together enough to dress and get my ass out of bed. Well, most of me anyway. My body may have gone shopping but my brain was still on that pillow. I can't really go into too much detail about what happened while we were out, mostly because I don't fucking remember. I was barely conscious and had to keep grabbing onto the trolley to stay standing (according to mum). She whizzed through as fast as she could, bless her, and as soon as we got home I crawled back into bed. It really frustrates me that I've been complaining about this to doctor's for at least two years but I obviously don't say it right as I never seem to impress upon them how much of an impact this is having on my life. No, I'm not just 'sleepy' I'm literally dropping in an unconscious heap mid-step!
I managed to get an appointment at the doctor's today (miracle!) but I'm no closer to getting a referral to a sleep clinic. When I ended up in A&E after collapsing at work they told me they couldn't refer me so I should ask my GP. I asked my GP who basically just told me to go fuck myself. The surgery I'm registered to now is bad but that one was just plain rude. Anyway, when I got my meeting with Dr Walker - as mentioned a few blogs back - I brought up my sleep again and he told me to ask a GP about getting a referral to a sleep clinic. So of course, when I went in today I asked about it. Turns out a GP can't refer me without a letter of recommendation from someone else (i.e. Dr Walker). What a ridiculous system! So in two years I've got literally nowhere... I've got a meeting with another psychologist tomorrow so I'm going to ask if he can refer me to be referred. Which sounds stupid even without me exaggerating it for comic effect.
I did it!
In good news this week, I not only got my PS4 all set up, I also got a brand spanking new laptop to take to uni with me! I'm typing this blog on my new machine, she still needs a name though. I like naming my laptops because... well I don't have a vehicle or a guitar, I suppose. I know it's not exactly difficult but it was really satisfying to set it all up and feel like I'd achieved something when it all worked. It's going to be hard to say goodbye to my gamerscore over on Xbox and start from scratch with these trophies though! So far I'm on level two because I'm trying to be patient and wait until I get everything I need to do some let's play videos with it.
SPEAKING OF WHICH I did try to do a little bit of recording/streaming but once again the path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd and it failed miserably. First off I tried using Twitch to livestream but it was about 95% buffer, 5% stream and I'm probably being generous with the success rate there. I tried again, hoping even if you couldn't watch it live the archive would be a bit more viewable but alas, no such luck. I mean, I guess it makes sense but I was hoping for a miracle! It seems that middle-of-nowhere wifi is just not fast enough for streaming. Which is a shame but not really surprising since my download speed is 350 kb/s on a good day!
Give me a pre-emptive subscribe/follow on youtube and twitch!
Next up, I tried a good old fashioned recording, spending an hour and a half playing and recording both the screen and myself chatting away and thoroughly ruining my already sandpapery throat. Feeling pretty good about things, I went back to check my three half hour recordings but what I actually found were three 0.08 second recordings. Sweeeet! So I basically managed to get an hour and a half of footage of me talking about- and reacting to- something that nobody else can see!
I am very unimpressed
I think the elation of successful recording quickly deflating into failure was a bit too much for me when I was already having a shaky week and unfortunately I ended up having a bit of a breakdown. I also learned that my super special face cream from the doctor's does not play well with salt water and half my face swelled up like a red balloon. Delicious! And oh my it burned.
I feel like this basically sums up my week...
It's honestly felt like it's been such a long week, at times I felt utterly hopeless and it almost seems worse than before. I think because I'm no longer used to it so I don't have a defence set up anymore.
It doesn't help that this week also seems to be the week of mansplaining all over the place and I just cannot be bothered with that, thank you very much!
[CN: food]
Anyway, back to the better stuff - I helped out my uncle Dan this week with his pizza biz. It was another wedding and it was nice to have one during daytime! I also got to try my hand at actually making a few things instead of just serving which was super fun, I was pretty good if I do say so myself! I made myself a pizza with olives and prosciutto and it was absolutely delicious. Pics on insta, as usual.
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Anyway, that's all for this week, hopefully next week I'll finally have some shiny new videos for you to enjoy!
Xx
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