18.01.17

Hello all

It's been a bit of a weird week, really. I've been really spaced out and dissociative for most of it so I don't know how much I'll actually have to write about, to be honest! As usual, I watched a few things and popped out once or twice with mum, though a lot more briefly than usual due to being so weak. I did, however, manage to send Mel An Art in the post because I am adorable. And clearly not an artist of any description!

The problem with when I get spacey.... out of it... whatever you want to call it, is that I get very physically weak. As you can imagine, this isn't a great state to be in when you're planning a six mile hike! So there were no great outings this week, but I did go to the library and came back with a ridiculous pile of books like the nerdy kid in a 90's teen comedy. Or Giles.

To get to the library you have to walk past the local bored teens who, in their great wisdom, have decided the best place to hang out is in the doorway to the bank next to the library. I mean, to be fair, I can't really think of anywhere else they could go. ~In my day~ we just wandered around in a huge loop all night. Except that time we went into the Co-Op and I innocently bought a box of cereal while everyone else shoved bottles of vodka down their skinny jeans! I only found out when one of them asked me if I wanted to feel his 'big glass cock' and I obviously didn't understand the joke. When we were leaving, they had started playing music on their phones and I gave them a collective heart attack by yelling 'Shakira, Shakira' when Hips Don't Lie came on. Good times. We celebrated our successful outing with some noms.

Anyway, I got a couple of the Odd Thomas books - the last two because libraries never seem to have the first in series. Like ever. I also got a few history books, including one on Richard III because I've always wanted to learn more about him but never got round to it, a poetry collection and a book called Girl Up by Laura Bates (founder of Everyday Sexism) which I'm nearly finished already. I've been asking around for recommendations for things to read so if you have any ideas please send them my way, I'm looking particularly for feminist things that will educate me!

Girl Up is an interesting read, a lot of it isn't a new concept to me which I'm pleased about, but it does provide some interesting insights and real life examples over a range of subjects. It covers a lot of areas such as sexism in various forms, health and diet, work, genitals... It's very easy to read, the prose is conversational and easy going. It's not patronising or full of ridiculously long words, you almost feel like you're just sat with a particularly knowledgeable mate and a glass of wine. Though it is aimed mostly at women (obviously), Bates makes sure to include every gender and sexuality within the text. She also specifically reminds the reader that vagina=/= woman. It's informative and inclusive, plus there's a paint by numbers vulva. I mean, what's not to love?

[TW: Mental health, depression, suicide]

My sleep pattern has been slowing skewing back to nocturnal again so I've been trying very hard this week to put a stop to that. It's been a bit of a mixed bag; I've been managing to mostly go to sleep by 2am, but I haven't quite mastered the getting up again part. It doesn't help that I managed to have two breakdowns this week. Just as I was starting to feel like I may be getting somewhere depression-wise - I still get sad but it feels more like... normal sad instead of End of the World Sad, if that makes sense. But the nasty little demons in my head saw me think this and went 'well, we're not having that!'

I wrote very briefly for a journalism website, in the media section, but due to MH, a suicide attempt and some email trolling I had to put a sudden stop to that. I was just thinking that perhaps it would be nice to write to them and ask if I could have another pop at it when everything came crashing in and I completely lost control. There were a lot of tears and ultra violence (via the Xbox) and I eventually managed to calm down enough to rest at about 8am, just as mum was leaving for work. It probably won't come as much of a surprise to learn that I was in bed until the afternoon!

I felt better for most of the week, I think I'm slowly learning to accept my set backs and move on, instead of dwelling on them for weeks at a time and making it worse. It still takes several hours, or even a couple of days, to work through it but once it's done, it's done. Until Sunday.

On Sunday, I was meant to be visiting my nana for dinner and a catch up. I woke up bright and early and- that's as far as I got. The moment consciousness hit me I was bowled over my a tidal wave of panic, terror and general badness. I had no idea what was wrong but I couldn't even look at my mum let alone go out and socialise. I stayed in bed and eventually succumbed to exhaustion and went back to sleep. I think my brain realised that was the only way to get me through the day as I was completely inconsolable and helpless against the onslaught.

Eventually I realised that Sunday was S's birthday, which would also explain why they've been more of a presence than usual in my dreams this past week (which is saying something!). My dreams have also been taking me back to school a lot and there's a lot of 'x happened so now all of your peers hate you'. This is more or less what did happen, though thankfully since I'd already left school at the time I didn't have to face it in person like I do in my dreams. Funny how your subconscious remembers those things, huh?

It's a small victory, but on Monday I did have a dream where my violent game tendencies and S collided in glorious technicolour. It's the closest to closure I'm ever going to get, so I'll take it. Well, that and my epic figure skating skills. Dream-Hawke is pretty badass.

[/TW]

I had a bit of a horror marathon on Friday night and watched Lights Out, The Shallows, The Final Girls and Don't Breathe. It was a bit of an eclectic night, to say the least!

[Minor Spoilers] Anyone who knows me, will know that shark movies are my jam so I was super excited for The Shallows even though most reviews I'd read had been decidedly meh. Unfortunately, those reviews were dead on. It starts off pretty well, or rather, well pretty with lots of sea views and cool angles and dynamic surfer shots being thrown together. It almost feels like the director stuck the plot on as an afterthought because he just really loves water. Even the credits run like a nature Instagram. Very attractive but somewhat pointless.

There's some interesting ideas and it runs smoothly, considering most of the film is held up by just the one actor, but the last twenty minutes or so really let it down. The CGI is a bit much, I've always been of the opinion that effects should enhance the shot, not be the entire focus. Yes, CG is required to get the shark to do particular things, but said things stretch the imagination to the point that it snaps and you're no longer immersed; you're just staring at the screen going 'that would never happen.' Then there's a massive dollop of sentimentality splodged on top, without which, we could easily have shaved off the last ten minutes of the movie which I had zero interest in anyway.

[Major Spoilers] Believe me when I say I chose this particular poster for a reason. 'The best American horror film in twenty years.' Granted, I haven't put together a comprehensive list of every American horror of the last two decades but if it is Don't Breathe then standards have seriously dropped.

Yes, there are some very tense and atmospheric moments but if you sit back and actually think about the plot it gets so ridiculous it borders on farce. Basically, three kids break into Marine Dude's house. Marine Dude goes apeshit and trigger happy. He's also kidnapped a woman to have his baby Because Reasons. If you have already seen this movie, I would like to take this time to remind you that blindness does not equal super human hearing. Daredevil is a comic book not a documentary.

As I said earlier, some of it is very tense which, for those of you with abuse triggers, is a very bad thing. There is one scene which was so uncomfortable to watch I honestly thought I might be sick. It may be well acted and shot but it is nothing short of ridiculous and scary for the wrong reasons.

[Major Spoilers] The trailer for Lights Out really whet my appetite, so many people are afraid of the dark. Even if you aren't, every now and then you'll probably have one of those moments where you're just not quite sure what that shadow in the corner is... it's a simple premise playing on a primal fear. Just what is that lurking in the darkness?

True to it's word, Lights Out jumps straight in with the creepy. There's something out there, and it's coming to get you. Stay in the light... if you can! I was really enjoying the film up until the Origin Story came into play.

I cannot stress enough how tired I am of the 'So and So was in a mental institute and is therefore a psycho killer' story. It's no wonder people are so afraid of sharing their mental health issues when movies like this are constantly telling us that we're murderers just waiting to strike. I always feel like I'm confessing something awful when I tell people about my depression, half expecting them to leap up and overturn the table, grabbing the nearest crucifix while they're at it.

Then they bring in this 'aha we've found her weakness' thing with a blacklight and finally actually being able to hurt her. Awesome! How shall we implement this new knowledge to defeat the evil lurking in the shadows? Oh, we'll just forget about it and not use it every again? Oh, okay...

And the award for Most Pointless Plot Development goes to..!

It's watchable enough, and I definitely preferred it to Don't Breathe but once again I wish this movie came with a trigger warning, this time for suicide. Be careful before you stick it on, my friends.

[Minor Spoilers] And now onto my out and out favourite of the collection, The Final Girls. I'm not sure if I'd strictly class this as a horror film. It's a comedy which plays off horror stereotypes in the same way as Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil but with even less blood and guts. It's more of a comedy-action than a comedy-horror. Still, what it lacks in scares it makes up for in genuinely touching moments which I was thoroughly unprepared for! The movie gets a pretty average rating on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb which I think is mostly owing to the fact that people were expecting something scarier.

The Final Girls is an obvious parody of the Jason movies featuring a very talented cast, half a group of 2015 teens led by (the fantastic Taissa Farmiga), half a groovy 80's lot including Nancy who just happens to (kind of) be Max's mother. The script is delightfully tongue in cheek and manages to have a different look at the parody/comedy-horror genre. It's not always laugh out loud funny, but it's clever and amusing and very easy to watch. The 80's lot are spectacular chariacatures (the jock, the slut etc), I honestly don't know where they got the energy!

I really enjoyed watching this and you can tell the cast had an absolute blast, especially when you get to the credits and are treated to some delightfully joyous bloopers. This is the kind of film you want to watch with a group of mates and a few beers. I did get a bit emotional at certain parts, but that was probably owing to the up all night factor.

[/spoilers]

Another great thing this week was the release (finally!) of A Series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix. I am not going to spoil this at all since it's hot off the press, but it's a real homage to the book series with a fabulous script and lots of familiar faces popping up all over the place. There are a few little tweaks which actually totally enhance the story (best explained here, obviously don't look if you haven't watched yet!). It's whimsical and bizarre in all the best ways, suspend your belief and just fall into it. Trust me, it's better if you do!

I was going to write a little more but my hands are inexplicably shaking allover the place (also why it's taken so long to post just this much) so I'll leave it there and see you next week.

Xx