I apologise for the lateness of this week's entry but I didn't get home until after 10 last night and I was exceptionally sleepy. If it helps, I've done absolutely nothing today except catch a Lickitung so it's almost as if I'm posting on time anyway!
So, I suppose I should start off with the Big News I was hinting at on Twitter, and with this news, I owe you an apology. To some I lied, to some a simply omitted the truth but I had very good reason and I think when you find out why you will forgive me. Ok... here we go...
Hawke is going to university!!! Amazing, right? So that audition I had on Tuesday was at St Mary's for a place to study with them and today I found out that they want me there. I'm so happy!
The reason I didn't mention it earlier was because when I first applied I was immediately rejected by three different universities for not having any A Levels. It seemed pointless to tell people I was applying if all five were just going to dismiss me outright. And then, of course, there's the whole awkward conversation you have to have 100 times if you don't get in which I just wasn't ready to deal with. But I did get in so suck on that paranoia!
I'm still waiting to hear back from UAL but I really liked the course and campus at St Mary's so it would probably take something pretty special for me to go there instead (assuming they offer me a place!) - I'm talking chocolate fountain and nipple tassel levels of special. The staff were all super nice and everything is ornate and pretty which helps! True, it's not exactly central London but it's a two minute walk from the train station and a damn sight closer than where I am now!
It was certainly an interesting day, I barely slept the night before but managed to drag my knackered carcass out of bed in time for a 10:30 bus followed by three trains and a brief stint on the tube. I got to my 5pm (yes it really took me that long!) audition and met a lovely group of people who were also hoping to impress.
We were told to wear loose fitting clothes that we could move about in so I opted for my new camo yoga pants since exercise is kind of their whole point. I tell you what though, after crossing London feeling like I'd forgotten to put my trousers on and my arse was hanging out, I have a whole new respect for people who voluntarily wear leggings! You people are braaaaave!
Put my leggings on in the bogs like the classy bitch I am
Once at the audition, we had a group warm up with one of the lecturers which was a lot of fun. Everyone else there was 18/19 and at one point one of the cheeky gits called me 'nan'! They were a nice bunch though so I'll be pleased if I see any of them in September. We also played knee tag (hit your opponent's knees, protect your own) but I had to graciously bow out of that one with my weird dislocatey joints.
I was interviewed by Dan - the same lecturer - who I found out is also from Durham, what a coincidence! I babbled on about how much I love acting and words and... well all the usual stuff I rabbit on about on here, really! I also handed in my review on Alan Cumming, which you can read here if you're interested.
After that came my audition. It wasn't my best performance ever but I think I did alright and Trevor, another lecturer, gave me some great feedback. He advised that sitting down for auditions wasn't always a good idea because it limits movement, but he also said it was a good choice for my character. He told me I performed well but rushed over the middle syllables of longer words which I totally agree with, damn Northern accent!
Audition done with, I headed back into town to meet up with Cazz for a well earned pint and catch up! I had a minor fail on the train as there were two hugely helpful tannoy announcements that were heard before every stop that sounded a little like this:
'THE NEXT STOP IS . PLEASE ENSURE YOU HAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU.'
'This is your train driver speaking, I'm not even going to tell you where we are because none of you can hear me anyway. I'm so lonely.'
So because of that I managed to miss my stop but the lovely staff at Waterloo let me out anyway. I leapt from the tube and into Cazz's arms and hugged her so tight I may have broken a rib. It was such an intense mix of emotions seeing her again - we spent all of our time together and then I didn't see her for seven months and then there she is again! It was a really joyous moment and it stuck with me because it was so... strong. There was no 'yes I'm happy, but...' it was a pure feeling, not tainted by any mental health issues or sleep deprivation or anything else. I think that might be the first time I've really felt something in twelve years. Sure, I feel joy and happiness sometimes but it's always kicked to one side by something nasty in my brain. For the first time in over a decade I feel like I might be beating it.
We went to the Midland Hotel for a few pints and a good giggle with the regulars. Cazz has been working there for a while now and she loves it, it's easy to see why.
[food]
We ordered pizza and snacks while we drank and got a free chocolate cake with it! On the way home we stocked up on a few more drinks and far more food than I'd normally be able to eat. Something about movie nights with Cazz always encourages us to eat a ridiculous amount of grot. We got sweets, popcorn, cheesy crisp thingies, maltesers... I'm probably forgetting something... basically, there was a lot. Even my bottomless pit of a stomach struggled with this lot and I still felt full when I went to bed last night, a whole 24 hours later! Though I did manage to force down a Big Mac while waiting for my train home...
We had planned to play Discworld but unfortunately it has disappeared into the recesses of Cazz's bedroom so instead we had a movie night and I rewatched Some Guy Who Kills People and Hurricane Bianca because Cazz hadn't seen either and I pride myself on being able to pick films that my friends will love. I've seen Some Guy a decent handful of times now but I'm still not over Barry Bostwick singing Chasin' the Dance in his car on the way to a brutal murder. Incredible.
I had a bit of a wait for the train at King's Cross so after my exquisite Maccy D's, I went and took over the gym for good measure. Well, I say 'took over', what actually happened was I trained a bit then stuck the strongest remaining Pokémon in the spare slot.
I also sent in a video audition for UAL this week, which was a bloody pain to record let me tell you. My tablet refused to stand up, mum's camera ran out of battery halfway through, my camera completely refused to switch on and in the end I had to use my phone so the sound quality is terrible. Oh, and I had to use this as a 'stand'...
I managed to lose my voice after three hours of yelling but I think the final video is pretty solid. I tried a slightly different look than usual with my eyeliner but I'm not even sure you can tell after all the effort I went to!
The liner is actually a completely straight line but my brow is quite pronounced so it always ends up looking curvy like this. Still looked cute tho. Hopefully I'll hear from them soon.
You may have noticed that my hair is back to being dark again after all the effort I went to with bleaching it. The initial blue totally failed and after some extensive Googling it looked like the only places that sold good bright dyes (Manic Panic, Directions, Stargazer etc) were all an hour away. Mum offered to drive me, bless her heart, but I decided to just leave it for the time being and go back to my Cosmic Blue. I did get a nice cut just before I went down to St Mary's though, must have been my good luck charm!
This may not seem very interesting to you but it's kind of a big deal. If this had happened to me a few months ago, I would have had a complete breakdown because clearly the world hates me and nothing ever goes right and why do I even bother? I didn't do any of those things. I thanked mum for offering to help and I left it at that. I didn't cry. I didn't panic. I didn't give up. I just moved on. I don't know if I've ever been able to do that before since my depression started. I'm proud of myself, I've come so bloody far!
It's been a bit of a bittersweet moment getting into uni. I applied to drama schools when I was 21 and my aunt Vic was so supportive and helpful. She let me stay with her, she gave me some money for train journeys, she organised a friend of hers to give me some acting lessons. That's just the kind of person she was, completely selfless and never expecting anything in return. It was just... what you did. You help your family. I wish she was around to see that I finally made it. I couldn't have done it without her. Sure, I failed to get anywhere that time, but without that base to start from I couldn't have done it this time around either. Everything she did for me paid off. Thank you, Vic.
Anyway, after a busy week acting my tiny socks off, I'm happy to be curled up on the couch reading Odd Thomas and holding hands with Shinx. I leave you with this adorable photo and the news that Mel will be coming to visit very soon!
Xx
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