19.10.16

Hello all

Well, it's been a very topsy-turvy kinda week. Done some fun and nice things but had so many nightmares about S, migraines and panic attacks that I spent most of my time curled up on the couch feeling sorry for myself. I did, however, get the chance to catch up on lots Netflix because of this. Mostly though, this has been a week of planning. I made plans to stay with the lovely Mel for New Year (and finally meet the equally lovely Gracie), I made plans to help my uncle with his pizza business this weekend, I made plans to go to the zoo with mum over the half term holidays and I made plans to go and hijack Ant's TV the weekend after. I may be biased but my uncle makes damn good pizza.

Onto what I actually did, I went to Durham at the weekend with mum for the book festival. We were expecting stalls and events and general festivaly-ness but it looks like the only thing actually going on was a few talks that you had to pay to attend. Bit disappointing but we had a nice walk about town and, owing to the book festival no doubt, I caught a Lapras in Waterstones. I got three new Pokèmon that day so a weekend well spent, by all accounts!

On Monday I went to visit my dad which always ends up being a bit of a mystery tour. He bought some new fish to add to the ever increasing collection and we went to see my Nana D and great aunt & uncle whom I've never met before. It's a bit odd when you can go back several hundred years on one side of the family tree and you know absolutely nothing about the other; I have surprise relatives popping up all over the place. I've always thought I had a big family but it's practically doubled in the past five years. It was nice sitting in the living room helping set up their TV finding another page of my history. They seem like really lovely people and when I told mum she had nothing but good things to say which was rather remarkable considering her usual shall we say 'stoicism' when it comes to talking about my dad or anything to do with him.

I had to remind my nana of my orientation when she once again asked if I had a boyfriend which led to one of the most bizarre conversations I've ever had.

Me: I'm gay.
Nana: you're not, are you?
Dad: they told you last time and you said 'that's funny isn't it?'
Nana: I didn't, you didn't tell me, did you?
Me: yeah
Nana: no you didn't, it's not something you forget, is it.
Me: well... I've never forgotten?

Bless.

In other news, there's been a bit of a lack of watchable telly of late so I've been entertaining mum with various cooking programmes on Netflix, her favourite so far seems to be The Mind of a Chef which is a nice balance of entertaining and informative, and is definitely to blame for the influx of ramen we've been eating!

Once mum was safely tucked up in bed, I started watching Scorpion, Lake Cage and Power. I haven't finished the latter yet but I'm really enjoying how I seem to be rooting for a different character every episode as more and more of the incredibly complex plot is revealed. My fave is still my fave though, despite being a little on the violent side, for the pure and simple fact that he's the only character that has no ulterior motive. He knows exactly what he wants out of life and he doesn't mince his words telling you so. I respect that and I hope he at least makes it out of the tangled web the others are weaving. It's also very refreshing to watch a show with a gangsta white boy who doesn't need to use the N word to be street. The script is so good, and liberally sprinkled with some very slick sex scenes - so there's something for everyone!

Netflix only has season 1 of Scorpion so that's all I've watched and aside from the 'oh no everyone's leaving lol jk we're getting the band back together' season finale that everyone does, I really enjoyed it. Happy is one of my favourite characters from any show ever. We need more angry, genius, unapologetic girls. Especially those of whom that can scale a building and may kill you with a socket wrench at any moment. Good times. It was also kind of comforting to watch a series about a group of people who seem brusk and blunt because they deal with things in a way that seems logical to them and don't understand that other people won't immediately see it that way no matter how clever they are. I can relate to that, aside from the 197 IQ, obviously!

I've left Luke Cage 'til last because I was thinking about it last night before I fell asleep and if I write half of what I came up with then, it's going to be an essay! Firstly, to the people complaining about the lack of white people in Cage; I advise you to watch any other TV show ever. Idiots. I really liked Daredevil, and I liked Cage even more. What a great collection of characters and actors. Each of the Marvel shows has a great script but this one is probably my favourite in terms of dialogue that just rolls off the tongue - a real gift for any actor. I really enjoyed getting to know Luke and Reva after adoring him in Jessica Jones, especially the glimpses into his back story at Seagate prison. I also think they did an amazing job with characters such as Pop and Mama Mabel (played by the incredible Frankie Faison and LaTanya Richardson Jackson respectively) who, when you think about it, we're hardly in the show at all but their impact resonated throughout to the point where you feel like they were around a lot more than they actually were.

Personally, I greatly prefer these shows to the big blockbuster movies and I think it's for the simple fact that they're - for lack of a better way of explaining it - normal superheroes. It's much easier to root for the guy down the street than it is to support the billionaire who may well have saved the world but isn't relatable in any way.

As much as people think Iron Man is funny and Thor is sweet and yadda yadda, Cage, Jones and Murdock are real people making a difference people can actually see. There's a reason 99% of horror movies have the same basic formula - watching 3000 people killed all at once isn't scary because we can't connect to that huge number of lives. Watching one person die that you see as a person will always be infinitely more effective. I apply the same rule to action movies and superheroes. Show me a building collapsing killing hundreds and I will look at the effects and the sound and the choreography of the battle sequence, show me a human being and I will respond emotionally.

As amazing as those big superheroes are, there's something so wonderful about the small scale heroes who aren't interested in saving the world, or even in being a hero, they just want to make someone proud, to escape their past, to make a difference to their community. They may have gifts that we don't, but isn't that what we all want?

[Mild TW: abuse]

As much as I enjoyed Cage my heart belongs to Jessica Jones because I see myself in her so much: I, too, have to replace my bed once a week due to rampant sex. But in all seriousness, watching this spectacularly powerful woman running in pure terror from someone she once loved and trusted implicitly, someone who turned her life upside down, trapped her, violated her... it was hard for me to watch seeing so many similarities in my own past but at the same time I couldn't look away. It was equal parts cathartic and disturbing. I don't know if saying I 'enjoyed' it is exactly accurate but it's a show that I still frequently think about even though I watched it months ago.

I've been preoccupied by it a lot more this week due to my aforementioned nightmares about S. I don't know which is worse - the flashbacks and the terror or the dreams where we're friends again and I wake up to that feeling of walking up the stairs in the dark and thinking there's one more step than there is. Oh. Having to fast forward through the betrayal and the pain and the tears every morning is so fucking draining. That's the overall feeling of this week; I'm just so tired.

A thought occurred to me recently that really bothered me. I wrote it down and I want tone remember it because I think challenging and overcoming this thought is paramount to my recovery.

'I'm afraid to get better because then I won't have an excuse for being a failure.'

Hopefully all of my plans will mean that next week is better.

Xx